... credit to marc for the following 3 links:

the rapping hobbits - Lord of the "Rhymes"
a fine collection of flash games - something for your lunchbreak perhaps :P
comic of monkey island - remember playing this on the amiga

... and now for something completely different ... new yoga breathing techniques, like a breath of fresh air NOT ... this guy is very clever, cool animations ... definitely NSFW why oh why do they do this ... lastly for today a celebration of celebrity beastiality (Very work safe) ...

... sorry for the lack of posts today but manic in office with new systems and ways of working being introduced ... managed to setup my own forum / message board (see left hand menu) over lunch time so please go and have a look and post anything that takes your fancy ... am off on training in London for 2 days now so posts will be few and far between over next 48 hours (normal service will be resumed as soon as I can be arsed) ...

... major faux pas by Cadburys this week encouraging children to eat large amounts of chocolate in exchange for sports gear ... my missus is not going to be happy about this, BBC planning to cutback on lifestyle programmes ... the celebs are in the jungle again with Chris Bisson (ex-Corrie star) falling out of a tree, LOL ... do rants that we type online get us anywhere ? ... please please can I get a job here ? ... anyone who knows me would tell you I am something of a ladies man. I have made love to hundreds of beautiful and often famous women. The fact that none of them knows about it, or were physically present at the time, is neither here nor there, excellent ... OMG I'm still laughing now, this is a classic ... a regular Tuesday visit for myself is supermodels forever, new pictures once a week and an archive to die for ...

try googlism its fun for a few mins (marc found this) ...

results for my name as follows:
john taylor is 007
john taylor is not normal
john taylor is leaving duran duran
john taylor is not there
john taylor is another modern artist who was a pupil at the academy
john taylor is to have two dollars out of my estate and no more
john taylor is exclusively affiliated with "christie's great estates" in catalonia and the balearic islands
john taylor is the author of three best
john taylor is the indisputable master of the universe
john taylor is that unusual animal
john taylor is currently a member of the kenny wheeler quintet and big band with john abercrombie

... ahh the joys of parenthood, took our 3 yr old up to bed yesterday and she insisted we read a bedtime story b4 going to sleep, my introduction to "The Gruffalo", a rhyming story about a clever little mouse and a monster. When mouse goes for a walk in a dangerous forest, he invents tales of a fantastic creature called a Gruffalo to scare off his enemies. Imagine his surprise when he meets a real Gruffalo! "He has terrible tusks, and terrible claws, and terrible teeth in his terrible jaws... He has knobbily knees and turned-out toes, and a poisounous wart at the end of his nose. His eyes are orange, his tongue is black; He has purple prickles all over his back... He's the Gruffalo! Gruffalo! Gruffalo!"

Recently purchased this big book and its fantastic! Its won an award for being the best book to read aloud and it's not hard to see why! ...

... fascinating and intimate peek into the Chinese Cultural Revolution through photo albums obtained at a Beijing flea market ... fatso Tony wants a plasma TV, when will this online begging craze stop ?? ... i will definitely go to hell for this, as will the site creators ... celebrate 50 years of melonage of the highest quality ... finally spoof paper Monde in France has detailed America's revenge attack on France for not supporting them in Iraq conflict ...

... in other news plans to produce non-lethal landmines, those of you who know me will know this is something I am quite passionate about after attending a conference where Chris Moon was a speaker ... at last someone has produced the periodic table in a manner that makes sense to me ... also found this a little nerdish but wow what a plethora of information, compare and contrast various buildings, spaceships and creatures in this beautifully rendered series of scale drawings, also found another version here ... quickly hide under your desk before this site melts your mind ... 2000 uses for peanut butter and then some ... virtual stapler: revolutionary online stapler simulation ... also heard that the infamous golden goal is to disappear to be replaced by the 'silver' goal

... ARGHHHH !!! full week of work ahead, how am I gonna cope ??? perhaps I should take friday off and make another long weekend ??? ... very quiet today on news front ... no doubt we are only going to get innundated with the latest "I'm a failing celebrity get me out of here" ... also watched Party Liason with Van Wilder and Tara Reid , well worth watching if only for young Tara, did I mention Tara Reid ?? if not consider her mentionned here and again here :P ... it had to happen, whats worrying is we have been ranked 12th on the list :( ... message in a bottle, do it from various sites throughout the world ... those of you as old as me, and I know there's a few, will remember this, supposedly the creators of a "best of" DVD compilation have asked if they can use it as well ...

... first up found this site through Peter's site ...

...also from Diamond Geezers site well worth reproducing his views on a subject i feel quite strongly about ...

The Welsh celebrate St David's Day with a daffodil and a song.
The Scots celebrate St Andrew's Day with stovies and comedy tam o'shanters, apparently.
The Irish (and crowds of people pretending to be Irish) celebrate St Patrick's Day with the day off work and the chance to get blind drunk on Guinness.
But how do the English celebrate St George's Day? We, erm, go to work and carry on as normal. Miserable.

St George lived in Libya, 1700 years ago. The locals had run out of sheep to feed to the local dragon and had started substituting virgins into the monster's daily diet. The shining figure of St George rode into town, slew the dragon, rescued the doomed maiden, converted the locals and rode off again. You can tell George wasn't English. The flabby figures of Englishmen now fly into the Mediterranean, drink from flagons, shag the local maidens, piss off the locals and fly out again with sunburn a fortnight later. It's therefore a mystery how brave, courageous St George ever got to be the patron saint of England. Certainly his personality has had little impact on the national character.

There are a number of campaigns to make St George's Day a public holiday in England. It seems only fair, given that we have a pathetic number of bank holidays in this country. We have only eight a year, compared to the European Union average of 10.8. Those Italians take 12 public holidays off a year, while Spain and Portugal each grab a mammoth 14. It seems that some Latin countries will take the day off at the drop of a hat, for any old saint who maybe one thousand years ago helped a sheep across a river or something feeble like that.

Surely an additional day off would be warmly welcomed by the British public, and also by companies keen to see their employees return to work refreshed and revived after 24 hours of rest, recuperation and heavy drinking. The extra day for the Queen's Golden Jubilee went down particularly well last year, and the bonus holiday for the Millennium in 1999 was another roaring success. A St George's Day bank holiday would give the English a regular extra day off each year to, erm, wear roses, watch morris-dancing and increase the size of their beer bellies. But, despite all the campaigning, it hasn't happened. And there's a very good reason why not.

We've had a lot of bank holidays recently. A quarter of British bank holidays occur either side of the Easter weekend, and another quarter occur in May. This year we get barely a fortnight after Easter before we're all being turfed out of work again for the May Day holiday. In 2011 we'll actually get days off on consecutive Mondays. The last thing we need is another bank holiday for St George on April 23rd, slap bang in the middle of all this enforced laziness. UK bank holidays are appallingly spaced, with only one day off during the entire six months from June to November. Americans very sensibly fit five public holidays into that time, and five into the other half of the year.

How much better it would have been if the English had picked a different patron saint, one whose saint's day was positioned in one of the long holiday-free gaps. St Ethelburga, perhaps (July 7), an incorrupt English nun from the mid 7th centrury, or maybe St Crispin (October 25th), an obscure Roman missionary and martyr. In fact St Crispin would make the perfect patron saint for England and the English. Not only was the entire French army crushed at the legendary battle of Agincourt fought on St Crispin's day (Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars, And say “These wounds I had on Crispin’s day.” Henry V, Act 4 scene iii), but St Crispin is also the patron saint of cobblers. Spot on, I reckon.

In the meantime, let's just celebrate St George's Day as best as we can. Patriotism without prejudice perhaps. England's World Cup run last year pretty much reclaimed the cross of St George from its previous thuggish hooligan image, meaning it's now possible to drape one in your window without looking like a rabid BNP supporter. So, let's Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!' (Henry V, Act 3 scene i). Hmmm, with all these stirring quotations, it's sounds as if William Shakespeare's birthday would be an even better day for an English bank holiday. Except, bugger, that's today too...

... timing was obviously correct again today as have a mention in top 10 recently published blogs :) bring on the hits guys, also have joined Blogging Brits and got a mention on their site as well, thanks people ... also had 2 referrals from this mob, not sure how but again tyvm and thanks for the link to the following for their continued support ...

truth of shay ... not sure what she's on and has some serious issues
undetectable biro monkey ... I know what he's on and its not nice :)
in search of a million rand ... he's not on anything but should be
violent snowstorm ... he just is
peter donut ... although seems to have gone off-air for a bit
the badger ... has been away for 3 weeks do NOT let it happen again :)

and finally to the person who searched for "orgy" and trawled through 194 results out of 984662 to find this site, hope it was worth it ...

... i want tea and I want it now ... did anyone see Fear Factor on Sky 1 last night, gross out, first of all they had to bob in cows blood, second eat some tomato horn worms, the larvae of the five-spotted hawk moth and are known for the sharp horns on their rear ends, and finally, to pick up 3 x skunk road-kills from a pitch-black tunnel ... had to laugh listening to Radio 5 on way in, they were trying to come up with new slogans to encourage us to stay in UK for holidays this year, "visit Britain it's on your doorstep" , and my favourite "there is no such thing as bad weather, just inappropriate clothing" ... at last something is being done about cold-calling ... did Madonna's web site really get hax0r3d? Or is it all just a big conspiracy by her and her management? ... is it just me or does it seem like a stupid idea ... a beautiful 28 year old Korean pop star and model, now that the stem is off the apple, would you "hit it?" ... video clip of an Air Force C-130 releasing flares to repel heat seeking missiles, the patterns formed by these "decoys" are how they got their name... Angel. It's truly awesome! also check this late for work video as well ...

... again proof that reality is funnier than anything I can come up with ...

1. a man was sentenced Monday to up to four years in prison for performing a castration in his kitchen last year. Suo-Shan Wang (yes that is his name), 29, was arrested in June after a man began hemorrhaging outside his home following a voluntary castration. Authorities say after the procedure, the men shared a slice of pie at the same table on which the castration was performed.

2. the longest ever car chase ? perhaps would not have made good live coverage though

... so back at work and yes the sales director has gone, MD has taken over running of sales team for time being, sales meeting at 17:30 tonight to explain more ... also have had my holiday cancelled for this Thursday as too many people off :( still got Friday though ... couple of nice orders waiting for me on desk when I got back and more promised later today which should get me close to target for this month ... staying in tonight ? have some fun with the mouth dragon ... not sure how Linkin Park would sound on this, but I'm sure Kylie or Britney would sound good ... have posted b4 but get mails asking for it again, while away a few mins on this site ... finally a site for all you would-be-manipulators out there ...

you know your over 25 when ... (courtesy of Osrm)

1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section

5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.

6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.

7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.

8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.

9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.

10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.

11. You start to worry about your parents' health.

12. You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.

13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.

15. Pop music all starts to sound crap.

16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.

17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.

18. You always have enough milk in.

19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.

20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

23. You wish you had a shed.

24. You have a shed.

25. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day...."

26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.

27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.

28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.

29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.

30. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on pissing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, ...

31. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"

and ....

It's time to consider the candidates for the First Annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. My favourite in No. 7

The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

... want to get out of jury service ?? ... bad slip up at weekend by CFC losing away at Villa 2-1, at least Fulham did us a favour by beating the Toon ... found an excellent article about Zola from the Telegraph ... found a cool little skateboarding game for all you wanna-be Tony Hawkes (my best is 7682 in "compete mode") ... supposedly this is real-time monitoring of LA airport traffic control, looks a little too much like a game for comfort especially if you zoom out to 80 miles ... and I want one of these, I think I do anyway it doesn't look too suspicious ...

... Longleat was good yesterday and kids had fantastic time expect some pictures soon ... haven't done much today bar cleaning up around the house, chucked out some clothes and crap (found out I own 8 pairs of jeans), playing with kids etc. (definite quality chill-out time) ... don't write long anecdotes telling people how much you hate them send them a forum flame its easier ... not sure how true this is but what an admission ... bad doggy, award winning ad from Bridgestone ... what a weird video, rap in a shark / tiger costume, whatever next ... billboard ads the way they should be, with my favourite being this one ...

... so no blog for a few days, whats going on, I'm on holiday that what :o), 2 days of a feverish 3 yr old was not much fun but she's much better today, played golf this morning, getting worse every round at present 109 is latest perhaps I need some sort of lucky charm, then went out for picnic with family to Streatley in lovely weather and am planning to go to Longleat tomorrow ...

... well done to Reading tonite with 1-0 victory over Notts Forest ... ghosts do exist you know ... how old r u in Uranus :o) ... how they did that honda advert, only six hundred and six takes ... puma come clean on that advert ... all those amazing yet somehow believeable ads from comic books of yesterday ... priceless this one, drunk man assaults easter bunny ... please can someone tell me what is going on here, I have not got a clue ... See thru should have found this see-thru pron ....

and last post b4 bedtime, proof that reality is funnier than anything I can come up with ...

... cya ...

... absolutely awesome site for the X-Box, and it has D&A Beach Volleyball :) ... having relation in Philadelphia I always look for the flyers hockey scores and found this site whilst checking them out ... found a good article about South Park and why its so cool ... cute little skateboard game will kill 30 mins or so ... especially for the South African, I am learning the english in flash ...

Some classic quotes from yesteryear:

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." --Bill Gates, 1981

"DOS addresses only 1 Megabyte of RAM because we cannot imagine any applications needing more." --Microsoft, 1980, on the development of DOS.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

... change of plan, have come into work today as we had the scene out of Exorcist last night with Rachel not at all well and Phil has taken day off to look after her so rather than waste a days holiday I've come in, the freaks at work will have to wait an extra day for their Knobby-free time ...

... feel a little lethargic today as tooth is still tender and wakes me up at night but gotta keep producing the goods at work otherwise ... talk about unfortunate timing for the HK tourist industry ... do it today, that's right folks, on the 15th of April, every time you have a bowel movement you are saying to George Dubya and everyone else, that you do NOT support this war, peeing is also encouraged, but it is a (pardon the pun) half-assed effort ...

... it may be a little early but vote for the next U.S. president in 2004 ... err looks interesting but mountain subs? ... get your own virtual fly in any language you like ... evil evil Sony look to cash in on "shock & awe" ... be the last in your neighbourhood to get one of these, please ... whoaaaaa, hey kids remember that sweet Wizard of Oz story we read? ...

... have I mentionned that I am off for the rest of the week, well I know the lads at work will miss my e-mails with a selection of schmooz in them so, in anticipation of this, here is your quota for the rest of the week guys, make sure you ration yourselves as this is the lot:

Britney: 1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9

Others: 10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17/18

Funnies Redneck Grill , what would you do? (for all of you), err wow they could kill you (for Minnsy) , celebrity boobs (for Hank) , Grandiloquent Dictionary (for Marc), oooooh... ahhhhhhh...ohhhhhhh... , how much is inside? , anagramified movies

... and finally don't you just love Alanis Morissette? doesn't her music just set your heart afire with the passion of misspent youth? don't you wish you could write catchy pop hits just like she does? thought not ... you'd better not go here then ...

... from Marc's site, story is new employee speaking to our IT department ...

user: i haven't got a password
me: ok, do you want me to give you one
user: no, you can't know my password, you'll be able to access my stuff
me: well i'm a domain admin so technically i can access anyones stuff but whatever
user: well thats not good, that can't be legal, you're not a manager
me: anyway, i've reset your password to ********, it'll prompt you for a new password when you log on
user: i want to do it now, can you stay on the phone
me: sure
user: are you looking at my screen
me: erm.... no, no i'm not
user: i can't have you accessing my files, you're not authorised, you can't have access
me: look, i have access to everyone files, stop being so paranoid. trust me we've got better things to do than look through your files
user: i'm going to report you, you CAN'T have access to my files
me: ok, good luck with that
[click]

... Monday morning again, but I'm off for the rest of the week, yippee ... to celebrate I have found (at last) that amazing Honda advert that is doing the rounds ... had some friends round to dinner last night, huge lamb roast dinner that went down very well, had to laugh though, whilst having a few glasses of wine a little later, Miles comes out with comment "can feel the roast dinner brass band starting up" (follow the link if u don't know what this means ... fancy something different for dinner next weekend ... perhaps a little bluebird for afters ... can you solve this mystery ... very pleased that after the withdrawl of Concorde from flying duties they have found another use ... peach or ass you decide ... perhaps one of the least known baseball players of all time ... don't have a girlfriend? already have carpal tunnel from spending countless hours on IRC or RPGing? To me, this doesn't look so hot, but you never know ... this is great create your own comic ... not all web sites are nerdish and flashy, this one is not run by an anorak but by a sedate old age pensioner of 72 who has researched, written and photographed all 40MB of it and is still expanding, we are not keen on change and rather like things as they were and so this is the place to visit if you would like a glimpse of England and the countryside as it was before most of you were born ... build your own apartment 180 residents so far and growing ...

... again credit to Hobbo for the following ...

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

And not forgetting Brian "Johnners" Johnstone - Cricket - "The bowler's Holding the batsman's Willey"

... happy aniversary Phillipa, blimey, 5 years ago today I could've crapped through the eye of a needle I was so nervous, all building up to the 14:00 deadline of "I do" and since then I've never looked back, unless have just walked past some nice totty of course (cue sound of Phil punching my lights out), quite a few changes in that time, a new addition to the family, sadly some have departed as well, moved to a new house in Caversham Heights, 2 job changes each and a lot more grey hair ... much as I enjoy working at easynet, and I know at least 4 other people in the office who feel the same, why oh why does one bad apple (sic. wanker) have to spoil it for everyone, we all seem to work together very well with the occasional spats but this one person just seems to piss everybody off big-time, grrrrrrr :) ... thought I had seen everything in golf, Alan B. Shepard Jr shot that stayed up for 30 secs, the shot from the tree by Bernhard Langer, Sevy's chip from against a wall, Rocco's mammoth putt at St Andrews a few years ago and played Sawgrass myself on a company do and took a 3 on the 17th but nothing prepared me for this click on the 14th for a tour of the hole and be amazed by a floating green ... at last my hero has had a website dedicated to him ... joel has come up with the goods yet again with his ode to hippo girl, "I'm not very attractive so I take what I can get. Even hippos. You like?"deathstar pong meets 10 pin bowling excellent ... why do we need a museum of potted meat, answers on a postcard please ... finally sticking a firework to your bmx is prob not a good idea, looks cool though ...

... first off apologies for video link that didn't worl earlier this week, this one does work ... oh dear the good old U.S. of A are at it again now we have evidence that victory in Iraq is complete ... please, please can someone tell me what is going on here ... had a golf lesson Wednesday for 30 mins, fantastic guy, managed to cure my horrendous fade in alloted time and we had a laugh doing it, roll on Saturday when I can put it into practice on the course, thanks Mike best £17 I've ever spent ... had to visit dentist today :( root canal filling and 3 injections in 3/4 of an hour, dentistry is a funny career choice I feel, staring into people's mouths (what if they have bad breath?) and I've heard part of the training is giving injections to each other !!! ... could have done with visiting this shop b4 the dentist today ... fancy jumping 247ft on a motorbike, this guy did it and set a new record ... all your smurf are belong to us ...

... had to post these as found them amusing ...

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." so I went over. Nobody was home
3. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,"Because you came home early."
4. I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandpit, the cat kept covering me up.
5. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
6. I was such an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
7. I'm so ugly ... my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

... famous monks, listening to Virgin Radio this morning on way in the question was posed, how many famous monks do we know of ? Ones that immediately spring to mind are:
1. Derek Nimmo (Oh Brother! 1968-70)
2. Monk Tripitaka (Monkey 1978)
3. Dom Perignon (inventor of champagne)
4. Alan Monk (La Traviata 1982)
5. Dave Allen (sure he had some mischevious monks in his series)
6. Sean Connery (Brother William of Baskerville in Name of the Rose)
7. ??

if you can think of any more or listened to the rest of Pete & Jeff on Virgin and they came up with more please let me know ...

... fed up with the new smoking kills adverts on your packet of 20 ... i know all this war anti-war stuff has been done by numerous people by why don't we give war a chance ... the BBC are messing with their coverage (check the second line in screen-shot) ... adventures in Legoland, the unlikely society, well it made me laff anyway ... the worlds ugliest car appears on the net ... ok ok you asked for it everything you ever wanted to know about earwax, yeuch ... military truths and untruths discussed here ... also if you liked that one ur gonna love this site, has answers to such questions as "why does Hank have hair growing in his nose and ears?" and "penile fractures are they possible?" ... apart from that some useless facts ...

Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

... finally, having upset most people at some time felt Goldfish owners should be my next target ... we all know Saddam dresses like a tool, try it yourself ...

... what can I say Blogger done me good, was listed in most recently published blogs on their site and rec'd 173 hits yesterday (and already at 74 for today), so I think I got it sussed, make your blog witty & interesting if you can, when u fail, like me, time your posts for when Blogger publish their list and guaranteed traffic (or Blog's your uncle), Popdex run some sort of blog meta spider techie thing and made it at 92nd in most popular 100 blogs yesterday ... anyway what has happened in last 24 hours ... work is a bit crap at present, feel the company has lost its way a little (bit of a speed wobble developed) and needs someone to take charge at the top to steady us through the next few months whilst our new products settle down and they work out how to reward us properly for selling it.

... cough cough err guilty LOL ... not very busy today? want to waste some time (credit to Hobbo) ...

first of all very funny video from Sky Sports (about 1 min long) ... unless you've been eating too much cheese, you'll have heard that Glastonbury tickets sold out in record time this year. Never before has the festival sold out in several months, let alone a single day. 85,000 out of the 120,000 tickets were sold online through www.aloud.com and Glastonbury became the fourth most searched for term at www.lycos.co.uk, even above 'war'.
But it seems not everybody who bought the maximum allocation of tickets is intending to make the trip down to Glasto; tickets are being offered at www.ebay.co.uk for ridiculous amounts. Organiser Michael Eavis says the festival won't issue the tickets found for sale on eBay. Will eBay be forced to take the tickets down? we're confused as to what might happen, but watch out; this one will run and run. Check the latest at www.glastonburyfestivals.co.uk ... need help with that washing machine, do not fear washerhelp is here ... surely this should have got a mention on b3ta ...

morning all, bit stiff & sore after all that gardening yesterday, watched behind enemy lines last night v good film, especially the scene with the mines and the closing scene on the ice ... anyone watch the Brazil Grand Prix yesterday? only 9 cars finished and poor old Coulthard (his after race quote was "I feel cheated because I firmly believe the race was mine," he said. "I am so p****d off") ... skipping is for girls, not when you replace the rope with barb wire its not ... redneck or not you decide ... locate lenny, quite good and I managed lvl15 b4 getting bored (well I lost actually) ... banned Popeye Episode from 1943, talk about politically incorrect (warning 7 mins long) ... pigs in the news (said in best Muppet show voice) ... how big is demand for this? probably gonna be smallest print run ever ... tequila it makes me happy, it makes me see bunnies on the guitar ... now its not that I got anything against america, in fact I have a brother and sister-in-law out there, but wtf is this and why? ... much better effort here though, this is the type of stuff we want ... and the award for the saddest geek out there in internet land goes to ... Hank finally gets fame on the web ...

... also found this today all credit to Bacon site for the creation ...

These are the only ten times in history that the "F" word has been acceptable

10. " What the @#$% was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!"
- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon, Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton, 1999

And..... drum roll........

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing mad."
- Osama bin Laden, 2001

... BT may have finally woken up and smelt the coffee as they have announced reductions in their adsl pricing ... something that sickened me has turned up new information, "insults written on a memorial to British war dead in a French cemetery have been deplored in France, one of the slogans used particularly stood out, so why do the French call the British "les rosbifs"? ... "I am in shape, round's a shape" so this could never be me, all credit to him though ... e-mail bullying is on the increase, the sending of insults and belittling is harmful to recievers, bollox it is ! and if this is outlawed what am i gonna do all day :) love the way they end there article though ""It's always worth taking time to reflect what you have written before pressing the send button" reminds me of someone ... a little late for April Fools but works very well ... Vicki's world is going someplace I want to be miles away from, beyond scary ... old school text adventure called Zork made in php, quite good ... best sayings regarding alcohol was cool with my favourites being:

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer"

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her"

"I drink to make other people interesting"

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on" (my favourite)

... excellent games to be tried here

... 2 things that wind me up ... those of you who know me know one of my pet hates is lack of manners ... imagine my reaction yesterday when (whilst doing a favour for someone) a telephone call goes like this..

me: hi xxxxxx, just had a call from xxxxx of xxxxx and I know you are expecting a big order from them, thought I give you his number
xxxxxx: sms me his number
me: err sorry no mobile phone not able to do that, are you not able to take it down
xxxxxx: I'M DRIVING! get someone else to do it then
me: ok I'll see what I can do ... (terminates call)

me then finds a way to sms message to xxxxxx with comment "please don't talk to me like that again" (notice use of word "please")

next thing I know xxxxxx calls into office to speak to manager bleating about my comment (I thought we left school ages ago ffs)

... and then (said in best Chinese take-away voice) ... second thing, everyday i drive down the M4 to get to work from Junc 10 to Junc 7 (normally quite busy), today, Friday 4/4/2003, relatively quiet thank goodness, just pulling off at Junc 7 when traffic alert comes over radio 210, "M4 very busy eastbound between Junc 10 and 5", (second time in 30 mins they have broadcast this), I didn't have to slow down once on this stretch, where do they get their info from?

GRRRRR !!!!!

... things me and my girlfriend have argued about site , v funny ... weirdest story I have heard

"Man sits by unaware as neighbor plunges to death

TOGAKUSHI, Nara -- A man continued to ride along a ski lift unaware that the friend who had been sitting beside him had fallen out and died along the way, police said.~Paging Mr. Oblivious!

Kaoru Imai died after plunging 7 meters to the ground while at the Togakushi Ski Resort, but the friend who had been riding with him on the ski lift Saturday was not even aware that the 20-year-old student had fallen.~You'd think his falling friend would've screamed for help or even grabbed the chair on the way down in an attempt to halt his slide.

There was neither strong wind nor any major shaking on the lift at the time Imai fell. Although there was a safety bar on the lift, Imai had not used it. He died instantly after crushing his chest in the fall

... unleash the power of the shift key ... get your x-rated cakes here ... 3 billion times bigger than the sun, how big is that? well its 3 billion times bi..... I'll get me coat :) ... not sure whats going on here but its clever ... trading card gone horribly wrong ... a site dedicated to human-equine transformation, wtf? ... love spells, charms, good luck spells: $25, Protection and removal spells: $35, Curses: $45, a flaming "HAIL SATAN" animated gif on your lame ass lame website: PRICELESS ... the next Olympic sport, nose picking, heres how its done properly ... have to mention our boys last night, goals from Darius Vassell and David Beckham gave beleaguered coach Sven Goran Eriksson some respite as England won the immense Euro 2004 qualifier against Turkey 2-0 to go top of group seven, yipeeee ...

... oh my god, to anyone going swimming this year in the ocean, beware ....

... excellent BudLite movie from a work colleague ... oops bet the cops regretted this one, a great collection of emails condemning the gestapo in Albany, NY, for the arrest of a man wearing a "give peace a chance" shirt ... have been playing Ravenshield on PC over past couple of days and what a game, a welcome addition to anyone's collection with excellent SP and MP fun (providing you have a decent connection) if you need further proof and I quote "Raven Shield IS the best tactical shooter in the world, and you can be certain that patches will be released which solidify that position. If you like your shooters tactical and cerebral get Raven Shield. If you don’t, get it anyway – it’s awesome." ... best of British to the england boys tonight against the turks

... is it me or does this amuse evryone? driving down M4 to Slough today and I'm following an AA van on inside lane when we pass an RAC van with bonnet up on hard shoulder, AA van keeps going :o) ... April Fools day has passed, the population of Lincolnshire fell for this, jobs avaliable in Gulf region, these include drivers ("previous navigation experience in a desert is advantageous"), cooks ("must have ample experience in preparing Arabic and Continental cuisine") and teachers ("knowledge of Arabic not necessary but will have an added advantage"). They will be provided with a one-way ticket to Baghdad, print your sensitive files directly to a shredder, the biggest RC car ever, they claim :P and at last a useful variation on the Mac ... the best for last as they say, even a guy at work was fooled :) Southampton announced they were changing their red & white striped shirts for Blue shirts (the big clue was in the kit suppliers Flair Polo, but they still fell for it) doesn't say a lot for the average intelligence of Strachans Blue & Blue army :)

... whoa cancel that last post have found some stuff worth shouting about ... Marc needs like 200 bucks so he can work on his skills! ... this has gotta be up for computer mod of the year ... do not think I'll be using the mobid ABC for Rachel ... this is strange, turn a deck of 52 into a killing machine ... another contender for something that should't be done but strangley compelling ... etch-a-sketch I used to have one of these, remember the maze in-lay to put over the top? ... err deep throat in ascii, can I ask why? ... an obscure Jewish sect in New York has been gripped in awe by what it believes to be a mystical visitation by a 20lb carp that was heard shouting in Hebrew, wha...? finally a bit of trivia ... April Fools' or All Fools' Day is "the day on which practical jokes of the salt-in-the-sugarbowl type are commonly practiced," according to Funk & Wagnalls Standard Dictionary of Folklore, Mythology and Legend. While the origin of the day is uncertain, a few references suggest it started in France after the change to the Gregorian calendar in 1582. With the change, New Year's was moved from March 25 to Jan. 1, according to The Folklore of American Holidays. "The first April fools may have been people who failed to make the proper adjustment," the book stated.

with a lack of stuff to post about I have cunningly hidden a few links to my favourite comic here ... what has happened to the weather today, yesterday glorious sunshine not a cloud in sight, today blimey its freezing and wet ... wondering what the Turks got from this ? ahead of tomorrows game, why would anyone want to tape the England squad training when you can still easily buy The Muppet Show on video?? ... after more than 25 years the 'Cat' is back ... have seen this before but its so well done just had to post it again ... play Baghdad defender, what a suprise its in French ... new promo video from the U.S. trying to win over the U.N. ... not 100% sure whats going on here ? answers on a postcard please ... this is just plain weird ...