31.7.03
some cracking pictures of britney from the elle photo-shoot ...
very long post about school football matches but worth the read, it made me laugh ...
School Footie
Duration
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment met out to latecomers back to the classroom. In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their gins and journey from the staffroom, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "bampots".
This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and bampots in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - a lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five bampots against one. The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last bampots to leave the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners (see Adjudication).
Parameters
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination.
In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point. There are no pitch markings. Instead, physical objects denote the boundaries, ranging from the most common - walls and buildings - to roads or burns. Corners and throw-ins are redundant where bylines or touchlines are denoted by a two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall. Instead, a scrum should be instigated to decide possession. This should begin with the ball trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and should escalate to include as many team members as can get there before the now egg-shaped ball finally emerges, drunkenly and often with a dismembered foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should look out for the player who takes possession of the escaped ball and begins bearing down on goal, as most of those involved in the scrum will be unaware that the ball is no longer amidst their feet. The goalkeeper should also try not to be distracted by the inevitable fighting that has by this point broken out.
In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards or "a big dug", the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is "no' a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.
The Ball
There is a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School Football. I shall describe three notable examples.
1. The plastic balloon. An extremely lightweight model, used primarily in the early part of the season and seldom after that due to having burst. Identifiable by blue pentagonal panelling and the names of that year's Premier League sides printed all over it.
Advantages: low sting factor, low burst-nose probability, cheap, discourages a long-ball game. Disadvantages: over-susceptible to influence of the wind, difficult to control, almost magnetically drawn to flat school roofs whence never to return.
2. The rough-finish Mitre. Half football, half Portuguese Man o' War. On the verge of a ban in the European Court of Human Rights, this model is not for sale to children. Used exclusively by teachers during gym classes as a kind of aversion therapy. Made from highly durable fibre-glass, stuffed with neutron star and coated with dead jellyfish.
Advantages: looks quite grown up, makes for high-scoring matches (keepers won't even attempt to catch it). Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it touches.
3. The "Tubey". Genuine leather ball, identifiable by brown all-over colouring. Was once black and white, before ravages of games on concrete, but owners can never remember when. Adored by everybody, especially keepers.
Advantages: feels good, easily controlled, makes a satisfying "whump" noise when you kick it. Disadvantages: turns into medicine ball when wet, smells
like a dead dog.
Offside
There is no offside, for two reasons: one, "it's no' a full-size pitch", and two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The lack of an offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of strikers. These players hang around the opposing goalmouth while play carries on at the other end, awaiting a long pass forward out of defence which they can help past the keeper before running the entire length of the pitch with their arms in the air to greet utterly imaginary adulation. These are known variously as "poachers", "gloryhunters" and "fly wee bastarts". These players display a remarkable degree of self-security, seemingly happy in their own appraisals of their achievements, and caring little for their team-mates' failure to appreciate the contribution they have made. They know that it can be for nothing other than their enviable goal tallies that they are so bitterly despised.
Adjudication
The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between the opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two accepted
ways of doing this.
1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by both sides. Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance with the spirit of competition, ensuring that the game does not turn into "a pure skoosh". For example, in the event of a dispute as to whether the ball in fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone inside or "over" the post, the attacking side may offer the ultimatum:
"Penalty or goal." It is not recorded whether any side has ever opted for the latter. It is on occasions that such arrangements or ultimata do not prove acceptable to both sides that the second adjudicatory method comes into play.
2. Fighting. Those up on their ancient Hellenic politics will understand that the concept we know as "justice" rests in these circumstances with the hand of the strong. What the winner says, goes, and what the winner says is just, for who shall dispute him? It is by such noble philosophical principles that the supreme adjudicator, or Best Fighter, is effectively elected.
Team Selection
To ensure a fair and balanced contest, teams are selected democratically in a turns-about picking process, with either side beginning as a one-man
selection committee and growing from there. The initial selectors are usually the recognised two Best Players of the assembled group. Their first selections will be the two recognised Best Fighters, to ensure a fair balance in the adjudication process, and to ensure that they don't have their own performances impaired throughout the match by profusely bleeding noses. They will then proceed to pick team-mates in a roughly meritocratic order, selecting on grounds of skill and tactical awareness, but not forgetting that while there is a sliding scale of players' ability, there is also a sliding scale of players' brutality and propensities towards motiveless violence.
A selecting captain might baffle a talented striker by picking the less nimble Big Jazza ahead of him, and may explain, perhaps in the words of Lyndon B Johnson upon his retention of J Edgar Hoover as the head of the FBI, that he'd "rather have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in". Special consideration is also given during the selection process to the owner of the ball. It is tacitly acknowledged to be "his gemme", and he must be shown a degree of politeness for fear that he takes the huff at being picked late and withdraws his favours. Another aspect of team selection that may confuse those only familiar with the game at senior level will be the choice of goalkeepers, who will inevitably be the last players to be picked.
Unlike in the senior game, where the goalkeeper is often the tallest member of his team, in the playground, the goalkeeper is usually the smallest. Senior aficionados must appreciate that playground selectors have a different agenda and are looking for altogether different properties in a goalkeeper. These can be listed briefly as: compliance, poor fighting ability, meekness, fear and anything else that makes it easier for their team-mates to banish the wee bugger between the sticks while they go off in search of personal glory up the other end.
Tactics
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among
a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This
formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and
strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as "Catenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.
Stoppages
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having
adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.
Ball on school roof or over school wall.
The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that A: "Ye canny make me"; or B: "It's no' ma baw anyway".
Stray dog on pitch.
An interruption of unpredictable duration. The dog does not have to make off with the ball, it merely has to run around barking loudly, snarling and occasionally drooling or foaming at the mouth. This will ensure a dramatic reduction in the number of playing staff as 27 of them simultaneously volunteer to go indoors and inform the teacher of the threat. The length of the interruption can sometimes be gauged by the breed of dog. A deranged Irish Setter could take ten minutes to tire itself of running in circles, for instance, while a Jack Russell may take up to fifteen minutes to corner and force out through the gates. An Alsatian means instant abandonment.
Bigger boys steal ball.
A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older brother is "Mad Chic Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.
Menopausal old bag confiscates ball.
More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.
Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more serious stoppage: Menopausal old bag calls police.
Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces. Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to the importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution. A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard* rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "poachin' wee bastart" from the opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgment from team-mates. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.
As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three categories. *Actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's no' a full-size pitch".
Penalties
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat-trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers:
the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and
the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and are buggered if Wee Titch is going to steal any of it.
Close Season
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring to play as it is to watch.
--- Christopher Brookmyre
Daily double
1. How many dates should you go on with a girl before sleeping with them? - if she doesn't come up with the goods after 3 or 4 dates ditch 'em :)
2. What would you like to do to your hair in the near future? - lose the grey :(
"I want a man real bad im sick and tired of being single..." - omg from hot or not
be nice to your wife or else,
man slain over butt crack
30.7.03
I actually watched some of the news tonight? Sometimes I even amaze myself sometimes. In any event, I caught a story the now famous Starwars kid. You must all be aware of this fat little french goofball by now. He's the one that video taped himself pretending to be a clumsy Jedi night, twirlling a golf ball retriever trying to smack some imaginary pixies out of the air. The kids friends thought it would be funny to get the video online and turned him into an overnight sensation. I can't remember all the details, but I'm pretty sure he got some pretty sweet stuff out of the deal. Wasn't it money and an iPod? There's also something like 200 thousand signatures on a petition to get the little tub of lard into the next Starwars movie. Not to mention that everyone of his class mates probably think he's one of the cool kids now. Well tubby's parents decided to sue the kids and their parents that posted the video online, for $225.000. Makes me wish I was fat, clumsy and ugly -
in case you have been hiding under a rock here he is
manchester's masters of melancholy, Elbow, return on August 4 with new single, the disquietingly dark but beautifully ethereal,
'Fallen Angel', to be followed on August 18 by Elbow's long awaited second album 'Cast Of Thousands'.
this certainly bought a smile to my face
... mmm bit of a music theme developing here ...
I have to admit to a distaste to some groups such as limp bizkit but
reading the following makes me wish I had been there to have a chortle at their expense
residents
threaten naked protest if Nepal peace talks don't restart, please let it only be the good looking girls
yeah pope john paul joins the gay-bashers :), the
Vatican is issuing new instructions to bishops and Catholic politicians in an effort to halt the trend of gay marriages
having trouble finding that G-spot, could be
an answer to all your prayers (nsfw)
finally there seems to be an abundance of eye-candy on the pop scene at the moment with
britney,
christine,
beyonce, but one of my all-time favourites was louise who is releasing a new video, screenshots below ...
ok ... morning ... pictures are up from the
party yesterday in the galleries, the house has just about recovered and Phil needs a holiday after being swamped by 12 x 3-4 yr. olds yesterday :)
I cannot for the life of me understand why we would want to
buy Veron and then
sell Petit (the missus will be well upset because she thinks
Petit is sweet)
29.7.03
4 years ago to this very day
Rachel Eleanor Taylor was born weighing in at 7lb 7oz at 10:12 a.m. in Reading, life has never been the same since :) ...
Happy Birthday Sweetheart
can I have some jelly & ice-cream now pleeeeeaaassseee !!!
28.7.03
Blimey, how strict is it getting at your
workplace nowadays? Check this e-mail out I received the other day at the office - this is all true (honest)!
MANAGEMENT RULES
SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a
doctor's sick note as a proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive
104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead friends and relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour (see below) and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your days tasks are completed.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as a
reasonable excuse for absence. However, we require at least two weeks notice as you are expected to
train your replacement.
TOILET USE
Too much core
working time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance:
All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20;
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may be able to swap their time with a co-workers. Both workers supervisors must approve this in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound,the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 30 minutes to maintain their average figure. Fat people get five minutes, because that's all the time it takes to drink a Slimfast and take an appetite suppressing pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work
dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing fancy trainers or designer clothing we will obviously assume that you do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to the organization. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegation, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a productive day.
The Management
full & complete credit to
savland yet again
thought for the day ...
In what font would a printer be baptized?
WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST.................BUT SHOULD.. from
savland
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, or running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of chocolate you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a cinema.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
morning all, some randomness and other guff for you ...
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies the inventor." "A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!" "In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
25th annual mooning of amtrak ("Silver" Anniversary)
did you get a scanner free with your computer? got a cat?
couple of movies / shockwave clips that amused me -
hardest cow you'll ever see - very very well done mickey take of old kung-fu and the matrix &
keep your parents off the net
guy next to me at work had 50cent cd delivered,
got nutin' on this guy tho'
make your choice now !!!!
quite a funny mini series all about angry kid :)
dead or alive beachball in yer browser
got loads of money bought a flash car ? these guys did :)
26.7.03
25.7.03
glad I'm not using M25 this evening, picture
from trafficmaster with average speed in mph
cruising towards fri afternoon and the weekend
wehay !!
further
ba strikes are looming at heathrow which got me thinking
"Control Tower can u hurry with that gate? We're out of honey-roasted peanuts and coffee, the economy class passengers can't pedal for much longer!"
mr snaffleburger corp presents
"immigrant hunting for sport"
ever wondered what knobby.co.uk looks like from the other side ?
ever wanted to become a trashy internet cam whore, but you just don't know how? tired of earning money for things the honest way? if you're shameless and conceited enough, then the
exciting world of online prostitution may be for you ?
pretty sure
I have posted this b4 but it still amazes me
takes a while to load but well worth it -
sesame seventies.com
off to the job centre tomorrow to find a job as a water-bearer after looking at these pictures:
fantastic
new video from lemonjelly called ducks, fantastic, addictive and everything a video should be, more about
lemonjelly here
stephen kings dark tower in flash and some ascii movies for your pleasure -
here
the
napstercat is back
try penguin chat, not much to say but,
hey you're a penguin and the snowball fights are good
this is excellent - presume it must be done through some caching -
knobby.co.uk thru the ages
24.7.03
Don't adjust your computer screen, your eyes are not fooling you. And no, the images aren't a result of digital enhancement or a Photoshop trick
strongbad with dangeresque 2 (its not dangeresque 1)
couple of bits of good news today for the mighty blues ...
Chelsea have avoided the top teams in the Champions League draw by being seeded 6th
William Gallas looks set to be part of Chelsea's long-term future after signing a one-year extension to his contract, tying him to the Blues until 2007
from
blogideas ...
What is something scientists need to invent?
a replacement to ironing
How do you feel about being naked?
in the confines of my own home, fine
An open letter to SPAMMERS!
annoying little worms
How long do you think you will live?
according
to deathclock until Thursday, June 14, 2046 (which will make me 74), but I hope long enough to be a pain to my kids
Grossest thing you have ever seen
the shin-bone in my left leg, bright white, when i came off my motorbike about 20 years ago
hi all what a week :)
day off on monday to pick up the
missus and youngest from heathrow on their return from USA,
eurostar to paris on tuesday for a big presentation on wednesday returning on the wednesday and now back in the office - phew !!!
sorry for the
lack of posts :) and have hardly been able to
play swg either so determined to give that a thorough grounding over next 2 evenings :)
some random links ...
Sort of makes herpes seem a lot more palatable, doesn't it
Seal kills British scientist! Seal quoted as saying, "I thought she was French"
Women Are From Bras, Men Are From Penus
boom boom time ...
met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
20.7.03
au revoir "e-mail" - bonjour "courriel", french culture ministry has announced a ban on the use of "e-mail" in all government ministries, documents, publications or websites, the latest step to stem an incursion of English words into the French lexicon -
from wired news - well you can stick your petit pois & jeus sans fronteirs where the sun don't shine :)
at the Tesco Cambridge store, reports the magazine, a camera trained on the Gillette blade shelf, and triggered by the tags, captures a photo of each customer who removes a Mach3 pack. Another photo is taken at the checkout and security staff compare the two images to ensure they always have a pair,
what happens if you put it back in another place ? my kids are notorius for picking up shelf items and smuggling them into the trolley only for me to discover them and put them on nearest shelf (although they have yet to start on gillette products)
and no I don't have a sodding loyalty card !!!!!!!
all from a long story in
the guardian
18.7.03
one liners abound ... (please insert
boom, boom after each one)
... a bloke keeps ringing me and singing Stand And Deliver down the line. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant ...
... if 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one enjoys it?
... if you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
... when cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
... i was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam
... and to finish
... Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore due to his diet he ended up with very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis
at last, the missus has got hold of a
copy of swg whilst in the states and is bringing it back on monday so I can start playing, may the farce be with me,
now which character am I going to be ?????, it looks
so good roll on monday
some randomness for you ...
I'm all for live and let live so long as you don't affect or threaten me or the people I love but this is going to far,
severe gay-bashing to be found here and as for this
anti-porn guy site I am speechless, rather than comment a couple of choice phrases from the sites condemn their stupidity:
"boys and girls that have lost their innocence by viewing pornography at an early age" - have you listened to playground discussions recently ?
"I believe homosexuals (including lesbians and bisexuals) as well as people with fetishes, ought to be put in mental hospitals" - in the padded cell next to you perhaps ?
and the best for last ...
"neighbors that have increased crime and decreased property values because of the proliferation of pornography in their communities" - like this makes a lot of sense, NOT !!!!!
/rant over
why ???
man accused of leaving 65 waterfowl at motel
shouldn't laugh but - bzzzzzz did the lights just flicker ?
clever picture from spoof warning labels on
something awful.com
so what to do ? wife and youngest are away in USA and our 14 yr old decides her stomach hurts too much to go to school, this started week last tuesday and was supplemented by gallons of tears, take her to the doctor on 5-6 occasions and he can't find anything wrong and suggest she goes back to school, cue more tears and cries of "it really hurts" & "what does the doctor know" (I think I know what is going on), on wednesday after speaking with doctor on the telephone tell her she should go back to school but she breaks down in front of mother-in-law who then doesn't have heart to send her to school. So we end up yesterday morning at the hospital where she is examined by two other paediatric specialists and yet again nothing found and doctors feel she is having some sort of anxiety attacks and pain is psycho-pshymatic (bet i spelt that wrong) so she is off school yet again and smiling. Now she only has 1 morning to go before the summer break and she is up with the lark this morning, showered and dressed before the alarm goes off and bouncing around as happy as can be.
what can you do ?? she tells us nothing is wrong at school, we have spoken to the school and to their knowledge nothing has been reported, really feel like I have been taken for a ride here and a bit p*ssed off about it
onto other stuff now I have got that off my chest ...
Tiger hits a 7 on the first hole in the Open (please note not the british open as the yanks keep calling it) , he is human oh how the pressure has lifted from my shoulders :)
this looks like it may be worthwhile keeping tabs on - rustboy
You no longer have to dig your nose with your finger,
this tool will do it for you
everyone who owns one should read this -
the owners handbook for the penis
remember the old school ground game of slaps, how it used to hurt so badly but when you landed a good one it felt so good -
lovingly recreated online here
careful who you meet online they might be a cannibal
prostitute quits the first day of her work
not sure if this is real but pretty damn amazing if it is
16.7.03
some zen wisdom from
savland
1. Do not walk behind me, for I shall not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is too narrow. In fact just sod off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. so if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of water with both feet.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone £20 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Don't worry. it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Duct tape is like the force. it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
have to say a big
well done to dhl for their delivery service, phillipa is out in the u.s.a. visiting in-laws with our youngest and, being the dozy doris she is, forgot her driving licence, called DHL on monday, documents picked up at 14:20 that day and delivered to her
door in pennsylvania 26 hours later, and all for £37, nice one ...
Have you always fantasized about being kidnapped? I know I sure have. You know, you're
standing on the sidewalk with a group of friends when suddenly, out of nowhere, a van screeches to a halt next you. In the blink of an eye, a
half dozen naughty chicks in black leather ninja outfits jump out, pull you kicking and screaming into the back, and then screech off as your friends look on in amazement? Well, you don't have to wait any longer for your dream to happen by chance;
thanks to Extreme Kidnapping, you can pay to be kidnapped in some of the most realistic scenarios ever. Or -- better yet -- you can give the gift of a professionally staged kidnapping to one of
your unsuspecting buddies
credit to
apechild
please god give me a sign, ok thanks for that
I know the missus is away but surely a couple won't matter
wow chicks with power tools, I'll buy one of them
want to get your own back on your neighbours, this is a fantastic way
dozens of women have asked to be made pregnant by a prehistoric iceman who died 5,000 years ago
15.7.03
if you like really stupid things like what I does :) you should love
traffic light wars with my favourite being
thanks to this guy for the link
can you believe this is the same person :) obviously he's pulling a bit of a face in the right-hand one
14.7.03
12.7.03
11.7.03
blimey lot of posts today ...
britney's all grown up and looking mighty fine (imho)
Twenty things you didn't know about Moths!
(fantastic piece by
wastednetwork.com)
1. Moths look like ugly butterflies that have been rejected by butterfly society, and forced to only come out at night so the normal butterflies don't have to see their disgusting features.
2. Despite the obvious sense behind this idea, scientists do not believe the same method would work for keeping ugly humans from polluting our own vision. They say it would violate civil liberties or something, but it all sounds like left wing bullshit to me.
3. Moths have big wings. They have to have these in order to fly about and annoy everyone. This is because they are too stupid to build planes, and Michael Jackson only seems to want to help launch his own kids into thin air.
4. When they are kids, Moths are little insects things called lava. These then spend most of their time flowing out of volcanoes in large quantities and being very hot. Tch. Kids of today, huh?
5. Moths like nothing better than to eat people's clothes. Luckily, they only seem to eat old people's clothes and they weren't very stylish to begin with. Also, it will teach the old bags to take the clothes out of the closet once in a while and to stop wearing the same brown and cream outfit each day. Stupid old people. We should put them to work in the mines.
6. Another thing that moths love is light. They are mysteriously committed to hovering around any source of light they can find each night, which has to beg the question why don't they just come out during the day when there's light everywhere? It is one of the great mysteries of our world like how in holy hell did Madonna ever get famous.
7. And Robbie Williams for that matter.
8. If I were a moth, I wouldn't give a shit about light. I would hover around beer and annoy people even more. Then I would get swatted and come back as a butterfly with better social standing.
9. If moths were human, popular opinion within the scientific community holds that they would look a bit like batman. Or the mothman out of that film with Richard Gere. I personally reckon they would look like Roseanne Barr in a cape though, and then the plan to only allow them out at night would suddenly become more popular.
10. Unlike bees and us British, moths do not have a queen. This damages the moth tourist trade no end, but does mean the general moth population doesn't have to pay to keep the lazy old bag in luxury.
11. Actually, I'm a monarchist, believe it or not, so it's just as well I'm not a moth.
12. I could be a bee though, I suppose.
13. I'd really like to be a rhino. Then I could be the toughest kid in the schoolyard and push other people around with my size just like Rosie O'Donnell.
14. Back to moths. I wonder what would happen if I pulled the wings off one? I wanted to try this out but since it was daytime I could only catch a bird. It bled.
15. Mothballs are little footballs that kindly old people put in their closet so the moths can pretend to be David Beckham. Presumably, the old people are hoping the moths will piss off to Real Madrid and stop eating all their clothes.
16. Posh Spice looks a bit like a moth that's been ill, doesn't she? Yeah, I know I'm scrapping the barrel now. There just isn't that much to say about moths is there?
17. Wait, I've got one. Moths are often brown or grey in colour. Perhaps this is why they like old people's dreary clothes so much and why they are shunned by brightly coloured butterflies. Maybe the butterfly equivalent of Hitler is in power in their world. Viva la resistance!
18. If Michael Jackson's kid was a moth, it wouldn't have mattered if he'd been dropped out of the window because he could fly. Unless he was still in his lava stage, but then Michael would have been burned so we'd win either way.
19. For a moth, flying around the sun would probably be an orgasmic experience. For the rest of us, it would hurt a bit and probably be a bit boring. Much like anal sex for females, I guess.
20. Moths can't talk. This is because they are stupid.
21. I can't count. This is because I am stupid.
this
guy has my utmost admiration and is my hero of the week
"have you ever wondered what the world's hengiest biscuit is? With the use of a very bad camera and a bottle of high quality booze I decided to investigate, and set up
the world biscuit henginess championship to decide once and for all"
government in thailand confirm their position as nazi's
good item for the memories page here,
Once in every lifetime comes a love like this...
been to see matrix reloaded ? disappointed a little ?
this version's better
a game for u -
excellent tunnel surfing fun
US offers $25m for “Saddam Capture”
The military authorities in Iraq are offering a reward of $25 million in exchange for information leading to the capture of former president Saddam Hussein. The reward comes despite repeated assertions by US Defence Secretary Colin Powell that Saddam is “definitely dead”. British military spokesman Rear Admiral Derek Gadd explained the theory behind the reward. “It’s all been a shambles really. For the second war in a row we’ve not definitely got the bugger, and what with the hunt for all these imaginary weapons we could be here for years. We really need to deliver something to the public, if only to keep the BBC happy for a while”.
Questioned on what would happen should Saddam not be found, Gadd seemed unperturbed. “He has so many look-alikes anyway, the chances of ever confirming that it’s him are zero. So we have a backup plan and I can confirm that international agent
Richard Whiteley is currently growing a moustache at a secret location in preparation for his televised unmasking and arrest by Carol Vorderman on a live edition of Countdown”.
excellent reporting from
the brains trust
as you sit at your computer desk, looking at the screen and wondering whether the desk has been moved closer towards you or that your stomach has grown, take some time out to inspect your belly button. yes, the belly button. i know some of you won't have one that you can find, so just pretend that you have one because you can always inspect a friends later on. now look inside it [some of you will have "outies" rather than "innies" so just try to tag along]. you will probably have some lint inside it. "eww" is the reply, dont worry, we all get it. now this is the theory part. i bet the lint is coloured blue. denim blue to be exact. "it is..how did you know?". all lint found in your belly button is always blue. if you dont believe me go and check out somebody elses. it will be blue. it doesnt matter if you havent worn anything blue for months. the lint will be BLUE. why? how? when? all useful questions i could answer but time prevents me. if you still find it hard to believe then do a random check on a stranger. the lint will be blue. now, as for earwax and its various colours, i will elaborate on this topic at another stage
also ...
what would life be like if we didn't have memories ?
we could in theory do what ever we want,
but could we ?
because we wouldn't remember what to do,
or that if we did do something, we wouldn't remember that we wouldn't remember it/its consequences.
wait i forgot what i was trying to get across ... :P
10.7.03
credit to
marc for a rant that has my total support
i think it'd be a great idea to force "poor" students and people on "job seekers" allowence to wear t-shirts... not just any old t-shirt, oh no the t-shirts should be emblazend with catchy slogans such as
"I AM THE PROPERTY OF THE GREAT BRITISH TAX PAYER"
"I CAN FEED MY CHILDREN BECAUSE OF YOU..... I LOVE YOU ALL"
"CHANCES ARE..... YOU OWN ME" ... just think some fit young female student could come and do the ironing for you or sit on your lap :P)
"I AM IN DEBT TO YOU"
"KICK ME HARD"
"I AM LAZY"
i think you get the jist of it...
maybe there could a scale of mockings depending on how much they are claiming for
obviously this wouldn't be considered for thing like disability allowance or child support or any other worthy support
just spoken with one of my customers and he's doing the 3 peaks challenge this weekend, WOW, have looked into this and confirmation he is a nutter :P
The 3 Peaks Challenge is to climb the highest peak in each of the three countries in main land britain within 24 hrs. including the time taken to travel between the three peaks. The three peaks are
Ben Nevis 1344m (Scotland)
Scafell 978m (England) and
Snowdon 1085m (Wales). This challenge was under taken by a team from the Duke of Edinburgh's Award in Flintshire to raise money and awareness for the award in Flintshire. A team of 12 was formed with 8 members walking and the remaining acting as support staff and drivers for the challenge. The challenge consists of 38.5 Km (24 miles) of walking and ascending 3020 metres (9910ft) during the 24 hrs along with driving the 700km (435 miles) between the three mountains.
Good luck andy ...
and in other news ...
ask the back of a gourmet potato chip packet and ...
Connie, the annoyingly prim face of AOL UK for the last five years, has been told her (virtual) services will
no longer be required by the company.
have finished the
newest harry potter book and have to say I'm disappointed, feel let down etc. etc.
because it didn't go on any longer, why oh why am I going to have to wait another year before the next installment :( the book is superb, certainly the second best in the series (
chamber of secrets has got to be the best IMHO), having eagerly anticipated the arrival of the fifth installment of the Potter collection, I was worried it would be a huge anti-climax, over hyped and for many people I think that will have ruined this book. However the book is fantastic.
The
death of a main character was a huge talking point for the book and the result of this plot line is shocking and brilliant. J.K. Rowling has created another masterpiece and maintained the high standards she set herself with the previous editions. However, this is definately not the best so far. The book leaves out all the catching up in the introduction that plagued the first few chapters of the other editions (thank goodness - I mean,
who doesn't know the basics of the story by now ?!). This book also benefits from showing Harry's flaws unlike the others, making him a more realistic figure. A great book that will please all true Harry fans. Let's hope the next one won't take too long coming!
9.7.03
8.7.03
So I'm looking through my UK diary, seeing what I'm up to the next few weeks............and every other page it's saying Canada Day, Zambia Day, flipping Antartica Day.
And I'm thinking why do I need to know that somebody over the other side of the world is having a day off!
I mean, it's bad enough that I'm stuck at work all day, I don't need to know that someone's celebrating Mongolia Day or something - that's just rubbing it in (especially because Mongolia day is my favourite holiday of all).
And does this mean that some chap in the Arctic is looking through his special Eskimo 5 Year Diary and thinking "Damn, those lucky Brits have got a day off for another Bank Holiday -that's not fair, we don't even have a bank!"
post from
savland
fame at last on two websites
1.
infinitemonkeyz - site hosted by a mate called jo who has imortalised me in a cartoon, feel quite chuffed actually no-one has done anything like that before
2.
chris johnston has provoked a web slanging match with me (and revenge will be so sweet m8) with the following post from
his site travels around, happy birthday by the way
Canon Jeffery
John (Reading's new gay bishop),
John Taylor, Elton
John and
John Inman ....too too weird ...... quadruplets separated at birth perhaps ?????
Please note: Odd one out is
JT as he, as of current information, is the only one not
openly homosexual.
7.7.03
itching for the start of the new season ??
this clip should keep you happy then ...
Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz
what will the world be like in A.D. 2000? you can read the answer in your home, in the streets, in the trains and cars that carry you to your work, in the bargain basement of every department store (article from 1950)
we searched the world to find a shaver that does not "bite" the vaginal lips or testicles
ming the merciless - haven't a scooby as to what is going on here
finally some cars :) for your viewing pleasure (all from the film 2 fast 2 furious) -
car 1 -
car 2 -
car 3 -
car 4 -
car 5
My Monster Name
is
Goblin
Goblins are stalwarts of the fantasy genre where they service wonderfully in the role of cannon fodder. During the day goblins rehearse their screams and dying gurgles and come nightfall they put those skills to practise by throwing themselves in front of adventurers’ axes and sword blades. Its easy enough to dismiss the threat of just one goblin, problems start when his two thousand cousins get involved too.
The Levenshtein distance between knobby and Goblin is 4.
|
5.7.03
The music world is in mourning for American soul giant
Barry White, who has died at the age of 58, the singer, famous for his gravel-voiced love songs, died in a Los Angeles hospital on Friday.
Barry White was a giant in every sense of the word and he recorded some great music which will never be forgotten. Although unique, he was the inspiration of many other performers and his long illness and untimely death are deeply saddening. Truly, an irreplaceable musician. R.I.P. big man.
on a happier note golf has improved beyond sight by hitting an 88 (44 out & back) at mapledurham this moring :o) and scoring 42 stableford points, the two lessons I had this week makes it the best £28 I have ever spent, many thanks to phil from wexham park g.c.
where is this all going to end ? ronaldinho's agent has claimed Chelsea have joined the
race to sign the Brazilian forward from Paris St Germain
3.7.03
so Henmania is over for yet another year as he wimps out against
the frenchie at wimbledon, why is it we can only produce
"posh-public school-boy" types at this game ? where's
your knotted hanky brigade with a bit of grit and spirit and the
odd tattoowho will do their damnedest to try and win
in other news -
a total ban on fox-hunting is the latest craze from our government, whilst agreeing with this stand using the police to enforce this is a joke, how the hell are they going to do this ???? imagine the scene, poor old
pc plod in his little panda car chasing a 20-30 strong group of fox-hunters on horseback, get real ... and what
will they do when they do stop them ? impound the horses and beagles ?
tow them away or clamp them ???
every cloud has a silver lining and the news that
JT and CC have just signed contracts for 4 and 6 years respectively is the type of news we want to hear ...
bloody excellent news here unless airtours get their act together
welcome to the bankruptcy courts hehehehe
does listening to TV make you want to squint your ears?
try on an Earglasses® headset instead and look a complete twat
some comedy gold for you. While I did not write this, I hope to all heaven this is a true exchange. You've heard about the scammers for the "Nigerian Presidency"? Well this person took it upon himself to respond
do you have a lot of people on your nasty list? let
PinStruck.com help you get revenge on those unfortunate folks in a completely passive aggressive and anonymous fashion.
Troy Irving's 18-year-old Dodge Caravan has a heck of a sound system: 72 amplifiers -- you got it, 72 -- and 36 big 16-volt batteries to put out the 130,000 watts of power needed to rumble his nine 15-inch subwoofers.
needs some pickup lines for the girlies -
look no further, JT finds them for you
a masked man tried to rob a central Wisconsin pharmacy Sunday night armed only with his fingers
Ronnie Scelson earns up to 30-40.000 dollars a month spamming YOU. In his office Scelson has several servers that "run" 24/7 - and they send out millions of e-mails to people all over the world. It costs 20 000 dollars to send out offers on everything from insurance to toys, (and, of course, "improve your penis length"). His software goes through 165,000 emailshour, and find the ones that are active.
16 technicians work for him, to avoid the 'hackers' and spamhaters - Scelson has got a gun. Those very spamhaters have posted his address on the internet, so go google - and then get YOUR gun. :)
I cannot believe this
type of thing still goes on in this day and age - The hide-and-seek begins at bedtime when thousands of small figures emerge from grass huts and tramp towards the town of Kitgum in the gloom. It is a cold night to spend on the streets but the children huddle under the stars until dawn. Out in the bush, unseen, are other children: the seekers armed with AK-47s, clubs and knives.
It is a game played every night in the nearby towns and villages, an area stretching for hundreds of miles. If the hiders are found by the child warriors of the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA), they experience one of three outcomes: they are killed on the spot, marched into the bush and killed, or marched into the bush and forced to become killers themselves.
2.7.03
absolutely gutted, very very pissed off and don't know what else to say ... its a very very sad day if you are a football fan
Gianfranco Zola has confirmed he is leaving Chelsea to join Italian Serie B club Cagliariwe will never see another player of his calibre in a Chelsea shirt ever again,
the 25 shirt must be retired and a 'farewell' game against Calgiari should be arranged in the very near future, it is a day we knew would one day come and it is sad to see one of the
most respected players in the premiership and hero to many finally saying goodbye, what a player, hard to replace, impossible to forget.
that
back heel against norwich,
Gianfranco Zola joined Chelsea in November 1996 for £4.5m. He was already 30 years old. He went on to win Footballer of the Year (1997 – Chelsea’s first recipient of the award), the FA Cup (1997), the League Cup (1998), the European Cup Winners’ Cup (1998 – he scored the winning goal), the UEFA Super Cup (1998), Chelsea Player of the Year (1999), the FA Cup (2000), the Charity Shield (2000) and he has just been voted the Chelsea Player of the Year (2003) again.
He also has runners-up medals in the Charity Shield (1997) and FA Cup (2002). He is Chelsea’s most medalled player.
He was also voted the
Best Chelsea Player ever here on the chelsea web site.
Franco played 312 games – the most by a Chelsea overseas player – and scored 80 goals. He is 37 years old this month.
He is unique and Chelsea will always be in gratitude to his wonderful service,
his footballing genius and his lovely persona. We all wish him and his family the best possible future back in Sardinia and look forward to seeing him again.
1.7.03
warning - if you dislike harry potter series, books, whatever, skip this post or
go here
have to admit that I am a closet harry potter fan, am currently reading the newest book, Order of the Phoenix, what is the attraction apart from being exceptionally easy to read and very hard to put down ? quote from
cnn site - "a friend asked me if Potter was worth the hype. I'm not sure if anything is worth the hype that the modern entertainment industry produces: overblown publicity machines for works that will vanish in a weekend but if anything is worth the hype, it's Harry Potter. The books enrapture children, entangle adults, and are full of wit, wisdom and wonder. Who could ask for a more magical experience? "
so some harry potter links are in order (some spoilers):
hp lexicon summary of latest book
toronto star obituary for the death
a parents battle to read the book
some facts from the newest book
calender of events for order of the phoenix
even penny arcade got in on the act
thanks to
leaky cauldron &
hp lexicon for the info ...
have to admit to a bit of a chuckle whist reading about the presenter of TV's "Police, Camera, Action" being done for drink driving after crashing his car
they say the ability to laugh at one's self is very important (and boy do I get a lot of practice) hence
this link to anti-bloggers
I am a huge girl when it comes to spiders... arachnophobia big time, scorpions, puke, dead people, whatever... all that doesn't bother me, toss in a 4:1 leg ratio and I screech like a little girl.
think I'm a chump? take a look at the below pictures of a guy who was bit by a Brown Recluse spider. some of the pictures towards the end are pretty nasty, but take a look at the last on-it is a picture of the spider itself, now we all should know what to look out for. I thought this would be a good thing to post as it is summer time . The following illustrates the
progression of a brown recluse spider bite. Yummy - from
ernie's house of whoopass
day 3 - day 4 - day 6 - day 9 - day 10
spider that did it
oh nearly forgot its tuesday and
supermodel-forever gets updated -
like this one and
love this one
