It's the Bat-tractor! With hay-baling action! Holy tractor pull batman! easy for the joker and penguin to get away run over a six inch kerb and wait for him to get stuck on it, then point and laugh

Have you ever drunk so much that when you wake up you just can't remember what the hell happen the night before? If you have then you just might feel for this guy.......One of two clips Click here for the second one

also something for the lonlier gentleman me thinks

FIRST the speed cameras, now another piece of legal lunacy affecting local people as a Reading mother revealed the misery she suffered through being thrown into a hardcore prison for ten days because of her son's school truancy record. Sandra Hayward went through a nightmare many parents know only too well when her 15-year-old son Marcus refused to attend Ryeish Green School regularly - and she was physically unable to make him.
His absence record was so bad that he missed 85 percent of school days in one three month period - but he claimed that was because he was being bullied, and simply would not respond to his mother's requests for him to go. Wokingham District Council (a.k.a. muppets), who have been on a bizarre crusade which has included children being picked off the streets and taken away in police fans, took legal action against Mrs Hayward, who lives in south Reading.
The school, by a fluke of boundaries, falls within the Wokingham area, not Reading, and the local education area there won the court case against Mrs Hayward who, equally bizarrely, was sent not to a low-key prison fitting her "crime", but the top-notch high security women's prison in the country, Holloway, in London.
Mrs Hayward, who had to share the jail with killers, junkies and prostitutes, told Meridian News: "I was bemused at first, then I felt just anger. The education authority claimed it was my responsibility to get Marcus to school, but how did they think I could do that if he didn't want to?
"He said he was being bullied, and didn't want to go, but it was impossible for me to make him. He's more than 14 stones, and if he doesn't want to move off the sofa he's not going to. "Sending me to prison hasn't changed the situation one bit. In the time I was away he still hasn't been to school, and no-one was worried about that."

absolutely excellent spoof, we need more originality like this - Ahmed Kazikian came to the United States in 1956 with only a dream and a Kalashnikov rapid-fire submachine gun. The Kalashnikov was seized at customs, but the dream lived on. Soon after his arrival, Kazikian met up with Bill Williams and started a small business which offered various services. Kazikian killed Williams soon thereafter and opened his own enterprise, an unlicensed dental clinic on Coney Island. Known as Kazikian’s Koney Klinic, or the KKK, the office treated over six thousand patients until its closure in 1977.
Kazikian went into seclusion for several years, but reemerged in the mid-80’s to found Ahmed Kazikian Industry®. Today, AKI Inc. has over 300 branches, each offering a unique product or service. And since AKI operates from a secluded barbed- wire enclosed compound in the Midway Islands, we can offer what no one else can. So sit back, grab a cup of coffee and browse our online catalog. You’ll be glad you did

booked a couple of nights in venice with the missus staying just off st. marks square looks quite nice, from their website, in any hotel the most important characteristic is its location! The Hotel Concordia enjoys a felicitous position in the beating heart of the city, in the midst of the finest shops, restaurants, cinemas, theatres, art galleries and most important sights in the city. But the Concordia has something else that no other hotel in Venice has: it affords a wholly unique view of St. Mark's Square, with its windows overlooking the most famous square in the world. Thus, a strategic location, an exceptional view, and the genuine hotel tradition kept alive for four generations in a 17th-century Venetian home, renovated from top to bottom in 1999, make the Concordia a winning choice.

This looks like it may be worth a look - Fabulous adventures, hilarious predicaments, and exhilarating action await an all-star international cast as three unlikely heroes attempt to settle an outrageous wager in the new spectacle from Walt Disney Pictures and Walden Media for the whole family, “Around the World in 80 Days.” An eccentric London inventor, Phileas Fogg (Steve Coogan), has come up with the secrets to flight, electricity, and even rollerblades, but the world has dismissed him as a crackpot. Desperate to be taken seriously, Fogg makes an outlandish bet with Lord Kelvin (Jim Broadbent), the head of the Royal Academy of Science: to circumnavigate the globe in no more than 80 days! With his two sidekicks – Passepartout (Jackie Chan) and femme fatale Monique (Cecile De France) Old story remade with seriously cool people - trailer here

gpoing abroad, best you check the age of consent chart b4 you go

whilst on the film theme thunderbirds the movie is getting closer more here

Having watched Italian Job 2003 the other night was looking for some mini info and found this

Dave The Wave's Classic and Cheesy Adverts from 1988, 1990 and 1992 see them here

two views of the current argument ... (but lets look at his record first)

ERIKSSON'S ENGLAND RECORD
Played: 34 / Won: 19 / Drawn: 10 / Lost: 5 / Win percentage: 55.88%

Having pledged he will not do the dirty on his adopted country, Sven-Goran Eriksson has the perfect opportunity to do exactly that to his own.As he attempted to pull the rug from under his own country, he should bear in mind that England plays host to more Swedish moles than live under the lawns of the Gothenburg Bowls Club.
We seem to have a liking for Swedish things in this country. To a list that includes Ikea furniture, Volvo and Saab cars, Crispbread, Smorgasbord, The Cardigans and Abba you can add Eriksson and Swedish footballers.

1. Let's ease off on the moralising and get real. I couldn't care less if Sven talked to Chelsea, Real Madrid or Braintree Town. All I care about is that the manager who has taken us to the finals of the World Cup and European Championships is staying in charge for the foreseeable future.
Do you really think that David Beckham, whose representatives began talking to Real when he was still under contract to Manchester United, will be offended that Sven has similarly explored all the options open to him?
When you are a coach with a record like Eriksson, you are going to get job offers. Football is the same as any other industry - successful individuals will be head-hunted. Put yourself in his shoes. If someone came to you and offered you a dream job with a huge pay rise, wouldn't you have a chat with them to see what was on the table?
Eriksson was offered the Chelsea job ? (possibly) and was also wooed by Real. Yet he still chose to stay with England, despite the fact that the job has also brought intrusion into his private life. What greater statement of his loyalty to the national team could he give?
England's chances at Euro 2004 have not been affected in the slightest. Eriksson has sorted his future out months before the start of the tournament. England will go to Portugal as a settled and successful squad. He has an outstanding record for us and we should back him all the way
Beckham and England's other key players have enormous faith in Eriksson. They like his consistency in selection, appreciate his coolness under pressure and admire his experience and success in Italian football. For Eriksson to be staying in the job for possibly another four years is the best news those players could hope to hear.
Let us not forget how bad things were under previous England managers. Where Keegan dithered, Hoddle ostracised and Taylor turnipped, Eriksson keeps getting results. He has lost just one competitive fixture in three years - and that to the eventual world champions.
Forget the tabloid outrage. The FA has got its man (and he has a new deal with an extra £8 million), and everyone involved with the England team should be grateful.

2. Forget all the window-dressing. If Eriksson was so keen to lead England to the next World Cup, why did it take him so long to sign a new deal? England have been left with a manager for whom flirting - if not with television presenters, then with football clubs run by millionaires - is a way of life.
Should we believe Sven truly wants the England job when agent Pini Zahavi has admitted that he has been in talks with Chelsea or Real for months? News of Eriksson's dalliances with Chelsea and Real Madrid will leave the England team confused and weakened.
In just over two months, England travel to Portugal for the 2004 European Championships. On paper they have a decent chance of making the semi-final. But the manager's mind might be elsewhere. Even with his new contract extension, he has still had a clause inserted that will allow him to leave in two years' time should another plum club role come his way. The players, who will be doing their absolute utmost to win England its first trophy in 38 years, could be forgiven for pondering whether the manager shares their commitment.
By allowing himself to be photographed leaving Roman Abramovich's hotel last July and meeting Peter Kenyon last week (am i alone in thinking this was a conspiracy to force Sven's decision this weekend), Eriksson has ensured that he will be under the harshest possible media spotlight wherever he - and the England squad - goes. In short, the Football Association has paid an extra £8m for a man who, it seems, was only shamed into staying in the job by fear of the reaction should he jump ship immediately.

The task facing Eriksson is simple, he has to guide his adopted country to their first win over his natural home for the first time in eleven meetings.

LOTR Return of the King condensed version courtesy of flabber.nl

A team from the Czech Republic has scooped gold at the 21st annual world championship Pooh-sticks race. Hundreds of people turned out to see the event, inspired by A.A. Milne's tale about Winnie the Pooh. Susan Young, 55, from Didcot, Oxfordshire, won the individual event gold medal, followed by 14-month-old Mimi Morley-Iszatt, from Oxford. The race involves dropping a stick into the river and seeing how long it takes to get to the finish line.
Organiser David Caswell: "The interest in Pooh-Sticks is worldwide while local people are attracted by a fun day out for the family that embraces all age groups. "It's a fairly relaxed atmosphere. It's not super-competitive but some people take it very seriously. The event has been held in Oxfordshire ever since a local lock-keeper noticed people were picking sticks off a hedge and playing the traditional game. He began charging them in order to raise money for the Royal National Lifeboat Institute. Funds raised are now split between the RNLI and the rotary club's charitable projects.
The original Pooh-sticks bridge where Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin played in the books is in Ashdown Forest, a mile from Hartfield in East Sussex.

'The official Pooh Corner Rules for Playing Poohsticks'
1. First, you each select a stick and show it to your fellow competitors. You must agree which stick is which - or whose, as it were.
2. Check which way the stream is flowing. Competitors need to face the stream on the side where it runs in, under the brige (upstream). Note: If the stream runs out, from under the bridge you are standing on the wrong side! (downstream).
3. Choose someone to be a Starter. This can be either the oldest or the youngest competitor.
4. All the competitors stand side by side facing upstream.
5. Each competitor holds their stick at arms length over the stream. The tall competitors should lower their arms to bring all the sticks to the same height over the stream as the shortest competitor's stick.
6. The starter calls, 'Ready - Steady - Go!" and all the competitors drop their sticks. Note: the stick must not be thrown into the water.
7. At this point in the game all the players must cross to the downstream side of the bridge. Look over the edge of the bridge for the sticks to emerge. The owner of the first Stick to float from under the bridge, is the winner.
Last years results here

avoidance, counter-measures and ground security to combat heat seeking missiles

8008135 - nice Rachel Hunter gallery for your pleasure
Welcome to the page of Ted. An interesting read about cave adventuring, although it ends quite mysteriously and abruptly.

finally as work is boring a few games:
tower blaster - A simple but fiendishly addictive game. Build your Tower - with high numbers at the bottom and small numbers at the top - before your enemy build theirs.
blast billiards - does exactly what it says on the tin
trial biking - have posted b4 but well worth a mention
penguin 1, 2 and 3- everyone knows these now
flip flap - weird Donkey Kong / Pinball hybrid that gets annoyingly difficult very quickly.

Whether they are money collectors is open for discussion. I heard other stories, but they may not be the truth so I won't repeat them here. No there's no wild animals roaming in the streets, but wtf - nigeria seems to be a different story. These images have triggered a curiosity in me that I want to satisfy. I want to go there and check it out for myself. Yeah - and theres nothing exotic about the bottom feeders of nature. Hyena's hunt in packs and will rarely attack a live prey they feed on carcasses lions leave behind, but as egads have correctly said - they have the strongest jaws of all mammals.
I WILL NOT fuck with a guy who has a hyena on a leash. or a male baboon for that matter ... more here awesome stuff !!

watch it here click watch the advert and enjoy

Something about Miriam series has finished and what a pathetic ending it was, all through the six episodes we have been treated to "what an ending this is going to be" (marketing guys (or gals) obviously pretty good) and what a piss-poor ending it was. No fights no bad language and it looked like the guys evicted already had been told or had worked it out from the school boy tittering going on. Best bit had to be the look on Tom's face when it was announced though.

Also the top sitcoms have been finalised at last (not one from ITV in top 10 though)
Only Fools and Horses (22.2%)
Blackadder (18.3%)
Vicar of Dibley (13.8%)
Dad's Army (11.3%) how can this be here its awful not even worth a link
Fawlty Towers (11.2%)
Yes Minister (8%)
Porridge (6.1%)
Open All Hours (4.4%)
The Good Life (2.6%)
One Foot in the Grave (2%)

The Top 20 also featured such comedy shows as Father Ted (11), Last of the Summer Wine (14), Absolutely Fabulous (17) and The Royle Family (19).

Flatulence (fart, flatus, intestinal gas, breaking wind, SBD)- we all have it, it is part of life. It is a natural result of good digestion. Passing gas is a more familiar term to many people. Most of us try to make light of it so as to not be embarrassed by its occurrence. Gas pains can be uncomfortable and malodorous for many people but you can reduce the symptoms and find relief.
The average person expels gas 14 times every day. The amount of actual gas released ranges from as little as one cup to as much as one half gallon per day. Gas is made primarily of odorless vapors such as carbon dioxide, oxygen, nitrogen, hydrogen, and sometimes methane. The unpleasant odor of flatulence comes from bacteria in the large intestine that release small amounts of gases that contain hydrogen sulfide.(sulfur smell) Contrary to popular belief, women have just as many passages as men, and older people, have no more gas than younger individuals. Use Flat-D "Patients with intestinal gas conditions can go out to public places without fear of emitting embarrassing odors." Dr. Rae Seitz M.D. or try here

fantastic piece from marc reproduced (cut & pasted) in its entirety

the phenomenon of goatse from start of finish is shrouded in mystery
who is he? where did he come from? why is he stretching his anus to the size of milton keynes?
i fear these questions will never be answered, but to shed some light on the subject, as always, we can turn to the wikipedia

The identity of the man is largely unknown, though according to some sources he is an Italian man who has been practicing anal expansion/anal stretching for years, as a hobby. The picture belongs to a series featuring the man demonstrating his anal stretching ability. Some have claimed that he is actually a hermaphrodite, and he is actually pulling open his vagina. The developer of this theory later admitted that the theory was false. While his real name is unknown, he has been nicknamed "Bob Goatse" and "The Goatse Man". Another name attributed to the Receiver is "Yam Sthruss," originating from an email in the Feedback section from a person with this name claiming that hello.jpg is of him and asking for its removal. Most recently it has been claimed that the Goatse man is a man named Kirk Johnson, a well known practitioner of anal expansion. This assumption is based on the position of a large mole directly above the Goatse man's anus; the mole is visible in the same location in some of Kirk Johnson's photographs.

After complaints to NIC.CX (the regulation authority of .cx domains), the site goatse.cx was taken down Friday, January 16, 2004. (Goat.cx and Hick.org/Goat remain active.) See the official complaint (PDF) by an individual named Rhonda Clarke, the official note (PDF) to the domain's registrant and the current state of the goatse.cx whois entry. A petition has even been launched to bring goatse.cx back.

These are some of the best tributes / parodies to the goatse man

halloween pumpkin goatse
kermit the frog goatse
Super Mario goatse
astral goatse
traffic cone goatse
garfield cartoon 1 & 2 (the first time i've laughed at a garfield cartoon for years)
cloudse (my favourite)

last but not least... this UT2004 map has something familiar about it.... inspired map design, bored programmer or just a coincidence... you decide :)

New net domain names including .xxx for pornographic sites and .mobi for phones could be live by early 2005. Ten organisations have applied to the net's ruling body with proposals for nine new net domain names. If approved, the new domains will be the first added to the net since 2000 when seven novel domains were set up. To win approval the proposals must go through a public comment period and survive scrutiny by a panel of internet experts.
The organisations have applied to Icann, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers that oversees the net's addressing and naming system, for permission to create the new addresses. The net's first generic top level domains - .com, .edu, .gov, .int, .mil, .net and .org - date from the 1980s.
POSSIBLE NEW DOMAINS
.asia / .cat / .jobs / .mail / .mobi / .post / .tel / .travel / .xxx
There are also more than 240 two-letter domains for countries and territories. A further seven top level domains -.biz, .info, .name, .pro, .aero, .coop and .museum, were set up in 2000.

for those of you yet to see this ...OK, the story behind this is... There's this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute to this man who sent the Institute one of his 'major finds'.

From:
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

amazed by this, one single image file called dead karl

also some weird and very dark images here, this particular one had me a wondering

100th strongbad e-mail abounds

Vaseline at the ready, gentlemen, for the latest Something Awful review of a computer game for the specialist (read: perverted) market from z-filter

Kontraband have got hold of the infamous beckham grilling by ali g, watch it here

newest penguin throwing / bashing game is out and very difficult it is www.yetisports.net/yetisports3/ don't forget to post your top score please - found on chris's blog

the artist formerly known as Jo Woosnam has spoken out !!! and its pretty funny as well !! be warned young one my lawyers are watching :) ex-workmate Jo has imortalised me in cartoon for a second time in less than a year, many thanks ...

Distraught jazz fans were reeling in shock today after a study confirmed that every jazz performance since 1963 had been of the same piece of music played at different speeds. The piece, believed to be My Funny Valentine, was originally performed by the Chet Baker ensemble as part of its regular repertoire. As Mr. Baker succumbed to drink and drug abuse it emerged that it was the only piece he could actually remember and that he "couldn't be bothered" to learn any new pieces.
Other performers believed this to represent an innovative approach to modern jazz and mimicked Mr. Baker, filling large parts of their performance with entirely random notes or "any old rubbish" that came into their heads. One of the legendary recordings by Miles Davis, "Blue in Green", actually includes 15 minutes of Mr. Davis "doing the vacuuming" around his New York apartment.

Jazz quartets are now scrabbling to try and develop new pieces of music but are expecting that this could take several years, as they have all been too stoned to notice any other songs. Performers have also been dismayed to learn from the study that none of their audience actually listens to any of their music and only attend live performances because of the late bar opening. (ripped from brains trust)

Last summer, whilst The World Cup was keeping us all entertained and outraged, the big money appeared to go out of football. If this massive deflation can be likened to that of a balloon’s, it was a case of air leaking slowly through the pores of the skin, rather than a pin pricked explosion. At the end of March hard times were already being widely predicted – but aren’t they always? In this case the Jonahs seem to have got it right. In England the only big transfer was that of £30m Rio Ferdinand. Ronaldo went to Real Madrid for about the same price, failing to match that paid for Luis Figo two seasons earlier, and in Italy Hernan Crespo joined Inter for about a third of what Lazio had paid for him three years earlier.

In England the downturn was widely attributed to the failure of the ITV deal with The Football League. Their actual shortfall was less than is widely appreciated; when the £315m, 2 year deal fell through, £178.5m was still owed to the clubs, but Sky stepped in with £90m for 4 years. The difference is £88.5m, not chickenfeed, but to put it in some context, at the beginning of the 00/01 season football revenue was expected to exceed £1 billion. The authorities within the game may now regret that this windfall was not distributed throughout the game. Perhaps more telling than the collapse itself was that the contract, between The Football League and Granada and Carlton, did not guarantee the deal. Full payment did not thus have to be made. The Football League seemed to have taken a gamble.

This is what all individual clubs had been doing. In October 2002 the only Premiership clubs alleged to be financially ‘safe’ were Arsenal, Blackburn, Liverpool, ManU, Middlesboro’, Newcastle and Spurs. Wolves, Portsmouth and Norwich were also given a clean bill of health, whilst newly relegated Leicester and Coventry were in dire straits, the latter reported to have debts of around £60m. Yet for a while, as the TV money flooded in, Premiership clubs seemed to be able to have their cake and eat it; attendances rose by an average of 3% every season from 92/93 to 01/02.

What probably happened in the summer of 2002 was that, coupled with a downturn in the economy, the ITV debacle forced many clubs to look at their finances. Football League clubs, scrambling for cash, started to sell players at much lower prices. Some players were given free transfers, just to reduce wages bills, and this triggered a collapse in transfer prices, which cut the value of the playing assets of all The Premiership clubs. The only other tangible assets most clubs have are their grounds and under normal circumstances these are not for sale. So this where the money went - but to some extent it was only imaginary anyway! Clubs were going to have to bite the financial bullet, take their medicine, and sooner rather than later. It may not be a bad thing that there has been a ‘reality adjustment’ within football.

In Italy it seems likely that the clubs were also waking up to the dire state of the games’ finances. Just look at all those empty seats during Champions League matches!

When it is common knowledge that most players are earning wages that are 100 times greater than those of the fans, it is hardly surprising that some long-term supporters have become disenchanted with the game. The ‘grass-roots’ have been weakened, and replaced by richer, less loyal supporters. But that is potentially another problem that the game will have to face when it drifts out of fashion, as TV overkill inevitably sets in. This season there are plans for around 150 live games to be shown. At some point Joe Public is going to start to wonder whether there is more to life than this. (who is this Joe Public anyway?)

In 1996 Sky paid £734m for a 5-year deal with The Premiership. This was seen to be a considerable amount of money. In 2001 they paid £720m for 3 years. At that point the balloon hadn’t burst. It is widely anticipated that Sky will not pay anything like this next time, if only because there are no other TV companies who have the expertise and technology – Carlton and Granada, anyone? – and the fortunes of Sky and The Premiership have gone hand in hand to the extent that marriage looks more likely than a divorce. (from square football)

found this through a friend, a stolen clip from the "freddy got fingered" movie, the infamous Tom Green and a certain equine, watch it here but be warned its NSFW

also I never realised there was such a thing as coconut carving

some 8008132 for your perusal

from b3ta.com
Little Johnny walks up to his aunt and says, "My God, Aunt Edna, why are you so damned ugly?" His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen and screamed, "How could you say to your aunt is so damned ugly?" "Because she is," said Little Johnny. His mother said, "You go back in there and apologize to her, right now! I mean it, you tell her you're sorry!" Little Johnny goes into the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so damn ugly."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new, or the wife is.

and as its St. Patricks Day ...
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

Cardiff 2 Reading 3 (Ingimarsson, Kitson, Morgan) with the winner coming in the 90th minute, 3 goals, 3 new scorers, 3 valuable points and 3 referee's (original ref and substitute ref going off with leg injuries)

Dragons, unicorns, sea monsters, Piltdown Man - they're all here ... a collection of mistakes about living and extinct organisms.

from radio 1 send us your dream ticket! Your five all time favourite gigs, five bands, five venues, the perfect order, your perfect dream ticket available so far from site are:

One Dove - Glasgow Barrowlands 1993
Electric Soft Parade - Glastonbury Festival 2002 (mellow and excellent)
Pixies - Glastonbury Festival 1989 (very good)
David Bowie - Milton Keynes Bowl 1990

Ed Harcourt - Reading Festival 2001 (was there for this)
Athlete - Glastonbury Festival 1992 (in my CD palyer at present)
Del Amitri - Hammersmith Palais, London 1982
Van Morrison - Golders Green Hippodrome 1978 (a master)

coming up on weds 17th:
Barclay James Harvest (blimey I remember this lot)
Hollywood Killers
Gary Numan (still got it)
Genesis (never lost it)

Thurs 18th:
Krokus
Fields Of The Nephilim (tee hee)
Muse (fantastic gotta see them live one day)
Deep Purple (just the best live)

gotta be worth a listen on bbc 6 music (digital)

so it worked, a nice tax return and a bit of persuading with Phillipa and I get the new PC I have been clamouring for :) spec as follows:
Intel Pentium 4 Processor 3.2 GHz with Hyperthreading
Microsoft Windows XP
ATI Radeon 9200LE Graphics
Hard Disk: 160GB
VRAM: 128MB
Memory: 512MB
DVD +/- RW, DVD-ROM, Modem, Ethernet 10/100 and GigaPocket
Network Media Receiver
Floppy Disk Drive
iLink and USB ports
Memory Stick Slot

nice looking lady, its a useful invention as relieves back pain that can be a ... err ... pain, 4 years to finalise the idea and 2 secs to come up with name :)

enlighted - Janet Cooke Hansen is President and Chief Fashion Engineer of Enlighted Designs, Inc. She founded the business to create her own "dream job" as a light-up clothing designer ... more here

sure this looks like fun but who's got a room big enough over here ?? carpet skates or carpet puck its your choice

want a tattoo but frightened of the pain or getting old with it ? the ideal solution has arrived, welcome to the home of Sleeves Original Tattoo'd Clothing. The ONLY clothing that gives you the realistic illusion of tattoos.

Pluto's title as the outermost planet could be in jeopardy, with the discovery of a large object orbiting the Sun far further out than any other. The object, dubbed Sedna for the Inuit goddess of the sea, lies about 10 billion miles from the Sun, nearly twice as far as Pluto. Its estimated 2000-kilometre diameter is about 90 per cent the size of Pluto's, making Sedna the largest Solar System object discovered since Pluto itself in 1930.

finally can't leave without a 8008135 reference - at last "rate my implants" has arrived

The Batmobile has been voted the ultimate big screen car, racing ahead of James Bond's Aston Martin in a poll of film fans. The Caped Crusader's hi-tech car first appeared in the Batman comic in 1941.It made its movie debut in the 1966 film of the TV series starring Adam West and Burt Ward. The Batmobile underwent a massive revamp for the Tim Burton series of Batman films.

Bond's 007's gadget-packed Aston Martin from Goldfinger came second in the UCI cinema poll, followed by the Mini Coopers from The Italian Job. Herbie, the VW Beetle with a mind of its own in The Love Bug, was fourth in the poll. Fifth was the time-travelling DeLorean which took Michael J Fox Back to the Future in the 1985 movie.

UCI surveyed 1,000 people to mark the release of the new Starsky and Hutch film, which features the detective duo's famous red and white Ford Gran Torino.

Here are the Top 10 movie cars:

1 Batmobile - (Batman, 1966)
2 Aston Martin - (Goldfinger, 1964)
3 Mini Cooper - (The Italian Job, 1969)
4 Herbie - (The Love Bug, 1969)
5 DeLorean - (Back to the Future, 1985)
6 Greased Lightning - (Grease, 1978)
7 Ford Mustang - (Bullitt, 1968) ... my personal favourite ...
8 Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - (Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, 1968)
9 Lotus Esprit - (The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977)
10 Plymouth Fury - (Christine, 1983)



where are the infamous boulder mobile and that robin reliant we all know ?? (both were in films b4 you say anything)

check out the TV in the background counting down to impact :) from kontraband

Channel 4 asks celebrities to share their favorite swear words. Some like fuck, others like err others.

My name is Troy Birdsall (wonderful name). I'm 21 years old and I live at Mt. Aurora near Fairbanks Alaska. I have been photographing the aurora since I was 13 years old. I have started this webpage so that many people can view the aurora from any where in the world. (cool animations etc on this site)


In September 1752 the Julian calendar was replaced with the Gregorian calendar in Great Britain and its American colonies. The Julian calendar was 11 days behind the Gregorian calendar, so 14 September got to follow 2 September on the day of the change. The result was that between 3 and 13 September 1752, absolutely nothing happened!
The calendar switch also influenced the way George Washington's birthday is celebrated. He was born on 11 February 1731, but the anniversary of his birth is on 22 February because of the 11 days eliminated from the calendar switch. At the same time, New Year's Day was changed from 25 March to 1 January, thus according to the new calendar, Washington was born in 1732.
The first Roman Calendar (introduced in 535BC) had 10 months, with 304 days in a year that began in March. January and February were added only later. In 46BC, Julius Caesar created "The Year of Confusion" by adding 80 days to the year making it 445 days long to bring the calendar back in step with the seasons. The solar year - with the value of 365 days and 6 hours - was made the basis of the calendar. To take care of the 6 hours, every 4th year was made a 366-day year. It was then that Caesar decreed that the year begins with the 1st of January.
In 325AD Constantine the Great, the first Christian Roman emperor, introduced Sunday as a holy day in a new 7-day week. He also introduced movable (Easter) and immovable feasts (Christmas).
In 1545 the Council of Trent authorised Pope Paul III to reform the calendar once more. Advised by astronomer Father Christopher Clavius and physician Aloysius Lilius, Pope Gregory XIII ordered that Thursday, 4 October 1582 was to be the last day of the Julian calendar. The next day was Friday, 15 October. For long-term accuracy, every 4th year was made a leap year unless it is a century year like 1700 or 1800. Century years can be leap years only when they are divisible by 400 (e.g. 1600). This rule eliminates three leap years in four centuries, making the calendar sufficiently correct for all ordinary purposes.
In spite of the leap year, the Gregorian year is about 26 seconds longer than the earth's orbital period. Thus the beginning of the third millennium should have been celebrated at 9:01pm on 31 December 1999. But considering that the Gregorian calendar starts with Year 1, and not Year 0, adding 2000 years means that the third millennium started at 21h00:34s on 31 December 2000. However, because Dionysis Exeguus - the 6th Century monk whose task it was to pivot the calendar around the birth of Jesus Christ - miscalculated the founding of Rome by about 4 years (and left out the year 0), the TRUE THIRD MILLENNIUM actually started on 31 December 1995.

The Colossal Colon is an oversized model of a human colon that is forty feet long and four feet tall. Visitors who crawl through the Colossal Colon will see examples of many colon diseases, including Chrohn's disease, diverticulosis, ulcerative colitis, hemorrhoids, cancerous and non-cancerous polyps, and various stages of colon cancer (nice some where to take the kids then)

The Exorcist in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

Some applicants are providing employers with phone numbers, which are answered by operators of Web sites that not only offer phoney academic degrees, but also "verify" a job seeker's education. And, in an effort to put more credibility into embellishing their resume, some candidates are paying hackers to plug their names into a class list database of a university they claim to have attended.

I honestly do not see how anyone can release anything any better than this - Lost Prophets - Start Something ... ... starts powerful and just gets better and better. On first listen to this CD I was blown away by the quality of not only the album as a whole, but with each song individually! Every song has so much potential. Lp have progressed with there musical outlook's and have branched out into other genres spreading there overall sound making a very varied sounding album. The first single off of the album is a good example of this, being the most upbeat and "bouncy" song on the album it portrays there progression into a more pop/punk sound (just bordering on cheesy) Songs such as "Start something" and "We are Godzilla, You are Japan" show that they still have the same quality that was on the first album. Go buy this CD NOW !!!!

Instant Arousal was written as part of a series of video clips for 3 Mobile phones. You know those big ugly 3's in Superdrug? Them's the ones. But what if you could download a video so impossibly romantic; so fundamentally sexy, that any prospective dickpit couldn't possibly say no? Here is that video. Use it wisely.

Bovine rectal palpation is a difficult procedure for veterinary students to learn and requires considerable practice to accurately identify structures

Looks like the first DVD release of Return of the King is due out in May, question is get this one or wait for the extended version

Games:
Produce plops without them escaping

its 21:45 and still in the office sorting a big proposal for a client that hopefully (every "bloody" thing crossed) could net me a serious amount of change so I'll be brief ...

nice site - Picture archive on the world?s most good-looking chicks (excellent literal english translation)

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

- Indubitably;
- Innovative;
- Preliminary;
- Proliferation.

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

- Specificity;
- British Constitution;
- Passive-aggressive disorder;
- Loquacious Transubstantiate.

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex;
- Nope, no more beer for me;
- Sorry, but you're not really my type;
- Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight;
- Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

get it here

click the logo for the latest from this increasingly sophisticated but satisfyingly puerile series (thank goodness the twig gets some recognition at last)

also rathergood has a new song out "I'm glad I'm not soluble" in which Joel puts his fears to music to communicate this foolish notion to the world

This site collects various penguin tossing games (you must know the ones) together and has a reasonable overview of the history. Does a better job than the official press release, which is whimsical to the point of utter unintelligibility.

This game was invented because it seems like when you know someone well enough, 75-80% of any Rock-Paper-Scissors games you play with that person end up in a tie. Well, here is a slight variation that reduces that probability. (Note that for those of you who like to swing your fist back and forth and say, "Rock, Paper, Scissors, GO!", might want to continue to do that, replacing "Rock" with "One," "Paper" with "Two," and "Scissors" with "Three.") This version is also nice because it satisfies the Law of Fives.

keepy-uppy with a ping-pong ball

something for your desk at work perhaps?

You know those text announcements that scroll across the screen on cable TV? They've been hacked. The joy is the juxaposition of an oblivious newscaster and the juvenile jibing of the words. (from b3ta)

The Windsor Knot is a thick, wide and triangular tie knot that projects confidence. It would therefore be your knot of choice for presentations, job interviews, courtroom appearances etc. It is best suited for spread collar shirts and it's actually quite easy to do. While just about everyone can use this tie knot to tie his tie, it looks especially well on men with longer necks as its wide form shortens the perceived height of the neck a little bit. To tie the Windsor Knot, select a tie of your choice and stand in front of a mirror. Then simply follow the steps

(realplayer required) Bernard Cribbins narrates the story of how young woodland creatures should always get their mothers to accompany them when going for an ice-cream. Because of the target audience, we are spared the graphic details of the accident - the action happens behind the van. Tufty was such a hit with the kids that he quickly got his own organisation, the Tufty Club. Willy Weasel wasn't so lucky and spent the rest of his life in a wheelchair. (from andrew wiseman)

Mums! Hard time dealing with the recent death of your partner? Why not break it to the kids in the form of a picture book?

Our patented Speedstrip Applicator™ makes "getting it on" so much easier. In fact, these condoms practically put themselves on! In the heat of the moment you don't want to be fumbling around trying to work your way into a condom. Heck, if you fumble around long enough you'll ruin the mood! Once you've mastered the Speedstrip Applicator™ you could literally put a condom on in one second! No joke... these babys are that fast!
badda bing!
badda bang!

whatever next why rapping hobbits of course and if that's not enough to get you going what about midget bull-fighting, guess who wins ? from newsgrounds, a remake of three top kids nursery rhymes - Humpty Dumpty , 3 little pigs and Mary 'had' a little lamb framley examiner has released its latest looking for love page, all tastes catered for :)
Children in a nursery were shocked when they spotted a three-headed frog hopping in their garden. The creature - which has six legs - has stunned a BBC wildlife expert who said it could be an early warning of environmental problems. Laura Pepper, from the Green Umbrella nursery in Weston-super-Mare, said: "We thought it was three frogs huddled together at first. Mike Dilger, from the BBC Natural History Unit, said: "I have never seen anything like this. don't know if this is ok to laugh at or just cruel...but who the fuck in the world would put this on the internet?

oh dear we are not doing very well with yet another controversy happening in the world of British sport

1. Tennis star Greg Rusedski could discover today whether he will be banned for taking the banned steroid nandrolone. The Canadian-born player tested positive at the RCA tournament in Indianapolis last July. Rusedski, the British number two, told the Association of Tennis Professionals he had taken the drug unwittingly.

He said his sample contained the same "unique analytical fingerprinting" as positive samples taken from seven other players, who were later cleared.The ATP ruled they appeared to have taken supplements handed out by its own trainers that happened to contain nandrolone. If Rusedski is found guilty he could be banned for up to two years, which would effectively end his professional career.

2. Champion jockey Kieren Fallon has been suspended from racing for 21 days for "non-wilful" breach of riding rules. Fallon was found to have broken the rules regarding riding out a horse to the finish at Lingfield last week. Jockey Club officials have said they will hold a separate investigation into claims of race-fixing made by a newspaper against Fallon.
Fallon claimed he made a mistake by slowing down too soon at the end of the race but denies the fixing allegations.

3. Three Leicester City footballers held in Spain over a sex case are set for a courtroom showdown with their accusers on Wednesday. The face-to-face confrontation between the players and the three women who are alleging rape and sexual assault comes after Spanish officials confirmed that the judge in charge of the case had ordered a new round of court appearances, media reports said Tuesday.
Leicester captain Paul Dickov, 32, Frank Sinclair, 33, and Keith Gillespie, 29, have been held in jail since their arrest last Wednesday. Lawyers acting for the footballers are said to be optimistic that the three will be cleared of any wrongdoing. Media reports in Britain claimed that CCTV footage taken from the La Manga resort showed the three women laughing and joking two days after the alleged attack.


4. A second jockey has been suspended for breaking racing rules. Sean Fox was riding Ice Saint, originally the favourite in a beginners' chase, when he was unseated. The Sun claims he jumped off the animal, which had been backed to lose - allegations strongly denied by Fox. A caller told the newspaper the horse would not win and three online punters, believed to be in the know, won at least £100,000, the paper alleges. Fox was suspended for 21 days by the stewards at Fontwell Park, Sussex, who found him in breach of rule 157 - that he had stepped off his horse.

hi ho, hi ho, its off the horse I go :) video here
It's high time that they woke up to the fact that sport actually does have serious integrity issues which need addressing. And the sooner that is done the better. Headlines such as we have seen over the last few days stain the sport. That is beyond argument.

not much of a blog as in London all day for training on monday ...

england lose to ireland in the rugby (we were awful) / had a night out in reading at zizzi's for Darren's birthday / nice meal at friends on sunday night and loads to drink ... alltogether a good weekend hope yours was too ...

Got to see the new Starsky & Hutch film (from the directors of Road Trip and Old School) when it comes out over here when it comes out, looking well funny, visit the official site below and check out the trailer, you may find this still from the film a reason to watch as well

He may be a representative of the dark side, but it's hard to resist those tiny horns and cute chubby red body. At 4 1/2 inches long, our stylish and strange Devil Duckie Drive is a High-Speed USB 2.0 (1.1 compatible) personal data storage device for people who are going places (to hell perhaps?)

How nice, a phallus museum!

A woman's decomposing body was found buried in cement at the former New Jersey home of a fugitive who has admitted to posing as a doctor. Police were waiting for autopsy results to make an official identification, but police sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, said investigators used the victim's breast implants to identify her as financial analyst Maria Cruz.


Wonder how this would look on my average family saloon ?

According to police, the battle erupted after fellow diners accused the man of foraging among the lettuce leaves on the salad bar. Words were exchanged leading to the ballroom boxing match. Witnesses say the man punched an 86-year-old accuser in the face and bit a 78-year-old resident on the right arm.

ewww gross - a man who lived in his own “zoo” of lizards and insects was fatally bitten by a pet black widow spider — then eaten by the other creepy-crawlies. Police broke in to Mark Voegel’s (yes he is German) apartment to find spider Bettina along with 200 others, several snakes, a gecko lizard called Helmut (wtf?) and several thousand termites had gorged on his body.

Uncle Melon is taking a look back using art. Art as it represents women. We can't go too far back. That would require research and an actual appreciation of aesthetics. We'll go back 50 or so years to a genre we all can appreciate - broads in skirts. Here's a series of works that portrays the really good old days, when men were men, women were helpless, and elastic hadn't been invented

Brazil legend Pele has upset his fellow countrymen with his choice of the 120 best living players in the world for FIFA. Only 12 Brazilians are on the list and the surprise omissions have infuriated the country's media. 'According to Pele, Italy and France have more stars than Brazil,' said the Folha do Sao Paulo newspaper. 'In the list of the best 120 living players made by FIFA and Pele, the five-time World champions have only 12 names.'
'Pele's list forgets Brazilian stars,' exclaimed sports newspaper Lance!. 'It surprises us that names like Rivelino, Gerson or Tostao are out of it, while Senegal's Diouf is there together with Korea's Hong and Ghana's Abedi Pele.' The newspaper is also furious that many names from the glorious Brazil World Cup-winning team of 1970 are not included, while eight members of the France team which won the 1998 World Cup are in.
Among the Brazilians on the list are 2002 World Cup-winners Cafu, Roberto Carlos and Ronaldo, who had an argument with Pele after the tournament. The players were upset with Pele's criticism during the tournament and accused him of being opportunistic

To cap it all the two best American footballers are women :) full list of players here

went to Henley couple of weekends ago and got some great pictures (click for bigger image)

The things people do with dead animals, more here

Literal translations gotta love them, who wants a fartfull?

fast food, instant coffee, microwave meals and now ... instant karma sutra (just add lube)

finally back to the dead animals theme :) just love the pose of this eight legged piglet showing both male and female characteristics

place you can purchase a blank, sealed aluminum can that has been artistically crushed
portfolio of galleries contains thousands of full color photomicrographs (photographs taken through a microscope) and digital images selected from our many image collections.
safe for work porn :)
fancy a new car? this chrome mercedes might do?

The Government has announced that it is now officially okay to despise, insult and descriminate against fat people. The news, given yesterday by a relieved looking Home Secretary stated that the overweight are a significant drain on national resources and as such can - and should - be persecuted in as many ways as possible.
Declining an aide's offer of a cream puff, a slightly sweaty and tracksuited David Blunkett told a packed pressroom "There is a section of our community that is, often single-handedly, swamping our high streets, lifts and cinema seats. It is now official Government policy to dislike and resent these people."

It seems the Government is now intending to introduce enforced fitness regimes, taxation on sweeties and will be bowing to public pressure and launching a public enquiry into "who is it, exactly, who ate all the pies?"
Political analyst Hugo Z Hackenbush spoke to us from his newly-installed treadmill in his plush Mayfair office. "This policy is probably designed to portray the government as strong on tackling important issues whilst simultaneously upsetting no-one (apart from the fat, but then you can't please those red-faced bastards can you?)" panted the slimline 14st pinstriped lobbyist, dabbing his face with a moist towel. "Attacking the overweight could be Labour's big new idea in the run up to the next general election, acceptable. It's populist and a topic on which the Conservatives are seen as weak. Look at Soames. Christ, I think I'm having a heart attack. How do you make this bloody thing stop?"
The policy was arrived at after extensive research, involving phoning the Commission for Racial Equality, the TUC and "a number of other groups of whinging liberals" none of whom were prepared to fight the cause for the flabby, opening the way to singling out the hefty as a legitimate target for public and governmental ire, leading to guilt and prosecution free discrimination of anyone who wobbles excessively whilst in motion.
Noel Qualter, Very Junior Minister for the Acceptable Face of Eugenics told us exactly why fat people had been singled out. "Well sexism is apparently unacceptable nowadays, race relations will get you sacked for telling a lame joke and poor old David Blunkett has been given such a hard time for persecuting immigrants that we just had to find him a new target." Manfully swallowing an avocado Slim-fast he continued "frankly fatties are it – a group that politicians, intellectuals and the tabloid press can unite against without fear. Can you pass the low-calorie water please?"
Meanwhile new legislation is being rapidly drawn up. The new laws will see chocolate reclassified as a class C drug, giving the police the power to confiscate it. Also fat, sugar and any trace of flavour in foods will now be taxed and school head teachers will be given powers to issue random cholesterol tests to pupils. Any child exhibiting a higher than socially acceptable level will be offered counselling, stomach-stapling and mechanical reclamation of fatty tissue from the blood stream. However, there is believed to be no truth to rumours that the new policy also represents a leap forward in the fox-hunting debate (from the brains trust)

well funny and obviously scotty didn't know but I'll bet he does now

hopefully none of the lads got caught

I'm guessing that, at least once per relationship, your partner will ask you if he or she is being used just for sex. Even if you're inclined to stop humping their leg for a minute and deny, deny, deny, more often than not, their gut instinct is well founded. If this is a recurring theme in your relationships with people, you might consider investing in a Real Doll, a high-end humanoid love toy that is guaranteed to love you long time — or, indeed, any time. A little creepy? Somewhat degrading? read on ...

We are well-liked by Black people so we're psyched (since lots of Black people don't like lots of White people)!! We thought it'd be cool to honor our exceptional status with a rockin' domain name and a killer website!! - quality humour

created by jeff milner, years ago someone told me that if you played Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven song backwards that you could make out "satanic messages". It is not my opinion that Led Zeppelin was given the power to make these backwards sounds have a satanic message. And, no, I did not create this to show the evils of Rock and Roll. Instead I made this flash piece for two reasons: 1. I was new to flash and wanted to be better at it and 2. The backwards file sounds cool.

b3ta's trying to cheer everyone up - and its working ...
Print/photocopy as many copies as you think you'll need (lots more on site). Put one up at work or home. Then walk down your local High/Main St asking shop owners and managers if you can put a happy poster in their window. You'll feel a bit silly at first; that's to be expected. If anybody asks you why you want to put a poster up, or what the poster is for, tell them: "I want to make people happy!" Try not too look to crazed when you do this.

collapse and soccer pong - good clean fun for everyone

Your Superhero Identity For Today Is:

Name: Grey Dude
Secret Identity: john taylor
Special Power: Blazing Enigma
Transportation: Magnetic Tricycle
Weapon: Ice Spear
Costume: Silk Overalls
Sidekick: Sundance
Nemesis: Jack the Yodeller
Tragic Flaw: Claustrophobia
Favorite Food: Cheetos