For those with No children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth control!

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: "Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):"

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with roller skates / blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a ball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and very expensive to remove.
18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

True story: One day the infant school teacher was reading the story of
the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where
the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his
home. She read," ..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw
to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I
think he said...'Holy shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to
teach for the next 10 minutes.

24. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

Political correctness re: Women:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER

Political correctness re: Men:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT, he has developed LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR

supplied by Danielle from work

If this guy wins this race I think he just may be disqualified.

Have trouble seeing those tiny letters on your keyboard...

Amazing and hot but... when and where does it come back out?

If you watch long enough, a man iguana pops out! Seriously though, aren't huge b00bs so much nicer when they're not attached to a girl that can bench press your entire family?

links from flabber / fazed

- A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

- A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

- Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

- Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron.." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls$#@ before

- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

- Did you know that 5 out of 4 people don't know anything about fractions

- How can you trust something that bleeds for a week And Doesn't die??????

NSFW - The Pussy Snorkel allows a man to continue breathing while performing oral sex on a woman in a spa, bathtub or even a bowl of green Jell-O. Insert the breathing apparatus into your nostrils, rub the clitoral stimulator against your favorite coral reef and start with the tongue action. With the Pussy Snorkel, any man can be a dive master.



No matter how competitive you might be just because you lose to a girl at rock, paper, scissors 4 times in a row doesn''t really justify you trying to kick her ass...

FIFA president Sepp Blatter has revealed that he believed football originated 2,300 years ago in China. He was speaking at the launch of the continent’s major tournament the Asian Cup, which got off to an exciting start this week. So do Blatter's comments add yet another perspective to the debate about the home of football?

Pokia phones :) more here - The Pokia prototypes suggest a way forward (or a way backward) for cell phone design which must soon recognize that as the products becomes entrenched in habit, the future is no longer the sole place to situate the design.

how many people can you fit in a car? check the video for the results

'Winnie the Pooh' is elected mayor of Vladivostok after rival 'trips' on grenade - Fresh questions were raised about the health of Russia's body politic yesterday after a convicted criminal nicknamed "Winnie the Pooh" became mayor of the Pacific port city of Vladivostok.
Vladimir Nikolayev, 30, a wealthy businessman with convictions for assault and threatening murder, won the mayoral vote in the notoriously mafia-ridden city in extraordinarily dubious circumstances.
His closest rival, a former Vladivostok mayor called Viktor Cherepkov, 62, "tripped" on a powerful grenade that had been placed outside his office days before last Sunday's crucial vote and remains in hospital.

excellent new comic (well new to me anyways) extralife


8008135 - playmates from 1994 to 2004 (check out Stephanie Glasson from 2004) - found by marc

Looks very much like Tiago and Drogba will both arrive, so saying that they do, our squad looks very much what Mourinho promised it would like when he initially arrived. Player by player, he's trimmed it down to 20 outfield players:

Keepers: Cech, Cudicini, Pidgely

Defence: Johnson, Paulo Ferreira, Babayaro, Bridge, Gallas, Terry, Huth, ??

Midfield: Geremi, Parker, Duff, Robben, Smertin, Makelele, Lampard, Tiago, Cole

Strikers: Mutu, Gudjohnsen, Kezman, Drogba

We do need another centre back IMHO. Watt was OK against Oxford, but having Huth and him behind Billy and JT isn't good enough cover considering our financial resources.
We were linked today with £3m defender Coloccini of AC Milan, he's a good player. Unfortunately Poro have slapped a laughable £20million price tag on Euro 2004 star Ricardo Carvalho. Whoever it is, i expect to see a centre back brought in soon.

borrowed from Rivals message board

Watching ... totally addicted to the series 24, managed to borrow dvd's of season 1 and 2 from Marc and can't get enough of it.
A digital counter flickers into life, then accelerates rapidly until halting brightly at one number: 24. So begins each episode of this series named after the number of hours in a day. The number also signifies the amount of new episodes in a season, each of which follows the protagonist, Jack Bauer (Keifer Sutherland), for one consecutive hour of a full day. And to top it off, the episodes occur in real-time.

Playing City of Heroes ... This game, simply put, is a combat game that just happens to feature multiplayer. It really isn't a role-playing game. You don't manage stats, there is no inventory, and your appearance only changes if you pay for it, and it has no effect on your skills. This, of course, is why CoH shines. Most people don't want to devote hours and hours and hours trying to make their elf level up, and they surely don't want to be stuck fighting rats and snakes. This game is quick paced, addictive, and overall fun (and encourages teamwork). That is until the killing gets old. It's basically either kill badguys on the streets, or go through a total of 5 types of mission maps, over and over again. Will carry on for forseeable future (well until Doom 3 comes out anyway)

Reading ... just finished Jeremy Clarkson's book Motor World, if you have seen the TV Series "Jeremy Clarksons Motorworld", this book is the essential tool to understanding worldwide automotive culture. If you havent seen it, its still a good read. Its got lots of itsy bitsy facts in this book that didnt show up on tape. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the book from end to end

currently reading ... Hat Full of Sky by Terry Pratchett, we're back in the Discworld with a character that deserves to run and run. Who knows she may even transfer to the "Adult" books! This story has charm, different levels (yes pun intended for those of you who have read the books)and the Wee Free Men are the invention of genius.

Campaigners are giving their village the longest place name in the UK of 66 letters in a protest at plans for a wind farm nearby. People in Llanfynydd in Carmarthenshire are changing signs to read Llanhyfryddawelllehyn-afolybarcudprindanfygy-thiadtrienusyrhaf.

It means "a quiet beautiful village, an historic place with rare kite under threat from wretched blades".

On June 17th, every year, the family goes through a private ritual: we photograph ourselves to stop a fleeting moment, the arrow of time passing by ... more here

Looks like it's time to invest in a new mousepad... [nsfw?]

Busting the Biggest PC Myths We expose the bad advice that wastes your time and money http://www.pcworld.com/news/article/0,aid,116572,pg,1,00.asp

must get one of these for Rachel for school (oh ok perhaps not then) - Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten celebrate the original punk rock band - The Sex Pistols officially licensed full sized metal lunchbox with metal drink container included!

wtf news - We are a Christ Centered, Bible believing Ministry and our goal is to spread the Gospel through our unique clown performance in the foreign mission field as well as in local churches here in the United States. In addition to our performance ability we also teach a professional level of clowning to all Christian clowns as well as secular clowns.

will this damage my blender or void my warranty - We have no idea- Barbie blending is a new art form and we're all forging this path together. You'll just have to ask yourself what's more important to you: freedom of speech and expression or a summer of smoothly blended fruit beverages. There's clearly arguments to be made on both sides, but we believe that the opportunity to blend Barbie far outweighs the risks. barbie in a blender at its best :)

dyke dolls - the world's first series of lesbian action figures, all boy on the outside but woman underneath, click the picture for more

yet another template, comments please

A few fleeting moments to gobble down a sandwich is all that many people can expect from a lunch break. Whatever happened to a relaxed trip to the canteen or pub with colleagues? Not so long ago you really could have taken a lunch hour. A sacrosanct part of the daily routine, the 60 minute respite was usually accompanied by two shorter tea breaks which only the most hassled employee would pass up. Now the average Briton takes just 27 minutes a day away from their desk, a habit adding to the UK's long hours culture.
Critics say it is bad for employees' health, with productivity suffering as stressed individuals struggle to turn their frazzled brains to the very tasks they are working extra hours to fulfil. Job insecurity, rivalry between colleagues, increased workloads and even e-mails are all accused of contributing to the problem.
Only one in five people takes their full lunch hour, according to the 10th annual Eurest Lunchtime Report. Women are the least likely to make the most of the time, with one in four never taking a break and those that do using only 25 minutes - four minutes less than their male colleagues.
The myth of lunchtime boozing is also dismissed, with just 1% of those questioned visiting a pub - the same number as those who had sex. WTF ?
more here

(reen-acted by bunnies of course)

Combining fine silks, rich velvets and precious gems. Vulva Puppets are infused with potpourri, signed and dated. I give them names from inspiring women of the past, Goddess lores, Fairy tales or Femmes of literature depending on who they inspire. Take her story with you, create your own.

DO NOT mess with lassie

SpaceShipOne, the first private-venture craft to attempt to leave the earth's atmosphere and enter space, defined as an altitude of 100 kilometers (62 miles).

Senor mortgage

You've eaten at a few Japanese restaurants, seen some anime, hosted an exchange student, and had a Japanese girlfriend. And now, somewhere in the back of your tiny brain, you think that Japanese would be a good language to learn. Hey, you could translate video games! Or Manga! Or even Anime! Pick up Japanese girls, impress your friends! Maybe you'll even go to Japan and become an anime artist! Yeah! Sounds like a great idea!

only 17 but already better than Kournikova IMHO - Maria Sharapova

The SmartKlamp® is a new, one time use only, circumcision tool, which is designed to create, a safer, faster, and smarter way to perform circumcisions.


True bravery is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"From: foareverwon (gs) | Posted: 7/9/2004 7:29:48 PM | Message Detail
I have written to the Vice President about the decision to make a kid version for the PC and if there are any plans for a PC port here is her response.
Thank you for your interest in Activision and your continued support. Our decision to make a PC game targeted toward children was predicated on the fact that approximately 34% of Spider-Man fans are on average 10 years old and comprise the most avid buying audience for Spider-Man related products. Additionally, 75 percent of these fans play PC games. While the enthusiast PC gaming market on a whole tends to sku older, there are a substantial number of children who play games on the PC. Unfortunately, at this time, we have not announced a PC version of the console game.

I hope this answer your questions and maybe everyone can continue their life from here. This is not a bogus email but it came directly from a email sent to the Vice President of Corp Communications.

I'm hurt what about you. I guess that means we are all kids."

Sign the petition

blatantly ripped and reproduced word for word from j's site

found on "chris johnston, Your ideal job is a Anything except what you're doing now." site

The ideal job predictor will tell you. I have listed below some of the results I found.

john taylor, Your ideal job is a Puppeteer
phillipa taylor, Your ideal job is a Hypnotist
jemma sinclair, Your ideal job is a Cowboy
rachel taylor, Your ideal job is a Top Gun Pilot
gary fitch, Your ideal job is a Professional Hippy
liz fitch, Your ideal job is a Emperor of all the world
simon fitch, Your ideal job is a Between the hours of 12 and 1pm on days with a W in them
antony fitch, Your ideal job is a Bearded Lady in the circus
miles peyton, Your ideal job is a Animal Therapist
alison peyton, Your ideal job is a Anything where you can kiss ass :)
sarah burrell, Your ideal job is a Kids TV Presenter LOL
dave burrell, Your ideal job is a Reality TV Show star
alan spiro, Your ideal job is a God
victoria spiro, Your ideal job is a Sewage Worker

LITTLE PATUXENT, Md. (DPI) - Millions of people around the world enjoy I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, the no-calorie butter substitute invented by Patuxent-area inventor Rod Fiske. Fiske, of course, enjoys it himself -- and not just for what it does for his morning toast.

"Yeah, I made a lot of scratch on that," a slightly nervous Fiske said in a recent interview. "The big food company just took that right off my hands and left me a big pile of cash in its place." But that was 12 years ago, and Fiske is attempting to do it again. "One day I thought to myself, 'There can't be all that much to this business,'" said Fiske. "'All you need is a product with a catchy name and the damn thing will sell itself.'" So Fiske decided to give it another go, updating his product line for a younger generation of health-conscious eaters.

"I decided to stick to the whole 'I Can't Believe' concept as closely as I could -- a sort of 'Man, oh, man, does this taste good!' approach," said Fiske. His first two products were moderate hits: a low-fat cheese spread provocatively named Holy Shit, This Can't Be Cheese, followed by a lactose-reduced, low-calorie milk with the working name Jesus H. Christ, What Great Milk!

Fiske's next offerings didn't fare very well, though. The first was a dietary chocolate-chip cookie named Fuck Me If This Isn't a Chocolate Chip Cookie. To his amazement, the cookie failed to sell in its target market: 5-to-10 year olds. "I'll tell you what," said Fiske. "That was one great cookie. Beats me why it tanked." Things went no better with a soy-based chicken wing he christened If This Isn't a Chicken Wing, I'll Blow You Right Here.

lots more at the daily probe ...

Congratulations, fool! You're the incompetent egotist.
Every office has one. You stride in on your first day with no useful skills, an inane smile on your face, and plans for a variety of team-building exercises, meetings, extra-curricular activities and staff days out, all designed to win you favour with the boss.
The problem is, everyone else hates you. You're loud, you're arrogant, you're dumber than management, and you insist on wearing really loud shirts to make yourself seem interesting. Even the IT manager is more socially aware - and the depressing thing is, you'll probably run the company in ten years.

If you don't get a pickaxe through your head first.


Which Office Moron Are You?

found on chris's site

anyone who knows how I like to see the english language being used correctly will find this amusing ... A phrase made famous by French footballer Thierry Henry is one of the newest entries in the English dictionary. And the inclusion of "va-va-voom" finally answers the Arsenal striker's quest to define its meaning in TV adverts for car makers Renault. The 11th edition of the Concise Oxford English Dictionary was published on Thursday. Other new words include "designer baby", "speed dating" and "flash mob".
The dictionary's authors have summed up va-va-voom as: "The quality of being exciting, vigorous, or sexually attractive".

fancy a french twat being the inspiration behind a new english word!! uh....hang on, ain't most of our words taken from the french???

During a long chase through the streets of Oakland, California, police force a car into a spin several times. The driver effortlessly regains control each time.

and i thought I could spin a pen, got nothing compared to these guys

v3.764 defeated!!! NSFW text on one of the levels...

also an excellent labyrinth-style marble game, find your way out here

8008135 for you, spring break russian style

We all know the difficulty in finding a suitable parking space and then actually manage to get the car in between two cars that are parked in line. But what if the car would tell you that it has found a suitable space and then let you reverse and not bother about steering? In the mechatronic project course of 2004 at the divison of Fluid & Mechanical Engineering Systems at Linköping University, 17 students have equipped a car with this functionality ... more here

Cost of sex with a wife calculator will be up soon. I am still working on the formula. It's rather complex because the amount of sex keeps going down to zero, and the costs go up to infinity. cost of sex with your gf here :)

fantastic site built up around that excuse for a referee Urs Meier called we were robbed.co.uk also have a funny collection of pictures


There is only one all knowing, all seeing, all powerful Mystical Squirrel. It lives in the sky and in a Great Fluffy Cloud that looks like any other fluffy cloud. The diference is that when it rains from the Great Fluffy Clound the rain turns into squirrels when it hits the ground. You can't see this happen because it only happens when no one is looking. After the rain turns into to squirrels, most of them are instantly transported in the blink of an eye to wherever there's a shortage of squirrels at the moment. tufty addicts go here

and yes it was a woman driver :)

Which Family Guy character are you?

Does anyone else find it uncomfortable when you are walking at the same pace as a complete stranger next to you? I always find myself speeding up or slowing down in these cases.

so building has started on Ground Zero and, as ever, the Americans have been true to form. Who is America's staunchest ally in this war against terror? Britain. What height is this new Ground Zero building going to be? 1,776ft. What does this figure represent? The year America gained independence. From who? Britain. And we think they cannot grasp irony. They're masters of it. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/3864115.stm

With its deep cool lustre and distinctive weight, platinum exudes substance and style. Rarity and beauty matched by strength; there is simply no substitute for the ultimate in precious metals. Featuring solid platinum parts and a highly polished finish this product has a strong, distinguished look. The phone is hallmarked by the Swiss Assay office.

for those of us still upset about that disallowed england goal against portugal pelt the ref with tomatoes.... dont be fooled it gets harder as u go on

Too many DVDs, and CDs and not enough time to rewind? Are your DVDs running a bit too slow? The DVD rewinder is the perfect solution! This rewinder has the exclusive Centriptal Velocity Spindle providing the world’s fastest DVD rewind! The DVD Rewinder is a great gift for the technical savvy, the couch potato, teens with too much time on their hands, and the gadget buff! The DVD Rewinder has a great black and fluorescent green color scheme with high tech styling!

When it comes to filling out a home video library, today's consumer has more options than just a few short years ago. The popularity of the DVD format has overflowed beyond a small niche of videophiles and A/V gearheads, and is now attracting the casual consumer who enjoys movies, but may not have his or her den lined with the latest bone-shaking sound system and crystal clear plasma screens.
As a result, the choice of purchasing a full screen edition versus a widescreen edition of a movie is sometimes filled with confusion or misinformation. Aspect ratios can get even the most avid movie buff momentarily confused when terms like "4 x 3," "pan-and-scan," "2.35" and "cropped" are casually thrown about. Come November 12, Episode II Attack of the Clones will be available on DVD in both a full screen and widescreen edition, and on VHS in full screen. Starting November 1, Episode I will be reissued on DVD, this time in a new full screen format. For those Star Wars fans that aren't completists, which version is the right one for you?

also a good collection of all the football related ads that have been on

A strategy / chess-like version of the Battle for the Sudan (yet to beat it)

Mad Magazine on President Bush, lol

anti-auto theft devices for stick men

MMORPG fun, this time to M.C. Hammer and with World of Warcraft. This orc has the moves down pat!

sorry for lack of post have not been very well this week ...

The BBC has confirmed the Daleks will not appear in its new Doctor Who series after a failure to agree terms. A BBC spokeswoman said: "After lengthy negotiations, the BBC and Terry Nation have been unable to reach an agreement on the terms of the use of the Daleks." Hmmmmm ...