and I found some good links over lunch-time ...

from b3ta.com "Few can deny the genius of Peter Jackson's vision in bringing Lord of the Rings to life, but for me it just didn't have enough fart jokes." Heaven help us, we tried so hard not to like this: A LoTR parody with flatulence. But we just couldn't resist its eggy charms. reposted due to requests

F4 Phantom vs Wall (at 500MPH). Ashes to ashes, Phantom to... http://www.big-boys.com/articles/concreteplane.html

must get the missus some of these

I am going to have to get enrolled at this dance / gym class for sure you can even remix your own version

found this on b3ta which i thought was clever

wtf news ? beat me once a week from thisislondon.com and Man Shoots Wife, Mistakes Her for Monkey

lastly ever fancied a bush gnome? thought not click the pictures for more ...

NTL has launched an urgent investigation into why one of the company's recorded messages told punters to "f**k off". Customers in the North East of England were shocked by the verbal assault when they reported faults yesterday .
The Sun (learned paper that it is) managed to get a transcript of the message before it was pulled. The message said: "Hello. You are through to NTL customer services. We don't give a f**k about you. We are never here. We just will f**k you about, basically, and we are not going to handle any of your complaints. Just f**k off and leave us alone. Get a life."
At this stage it's not known if security on NTL's network was breached, or whether it was an inside job. A spokeswoman for the cableco said it was "too early to say".
"The priority yesterday was to remove the offending message," she told us.
"This is a serious matter. The message was highly offensive and we would like to apologise to our customers," she said.

Consolidation among UK internet service providers continues apace with Claranet acquiring the UK operations of US firm VIA Net.Works for £7.3m (10.7m euros).
One of the UK's few remaining independent ISPs, Claranet will gain 20,000 new customers as a result of the deal with the Nasdaq-listed firm.
Founded in 1996, Claranet provides web hosting, broadband and other services in the UK, France, Spain and Germany. The acquisition is the 12th deal in the sector in the past two years.
A flurry of transactions since Wanadoo's acquisition of Freeserve at the end of 2000 have seen leading telecoms operators snap up many independent firms. Claranet has itself made a series of acquisitions, including last year's purchase of Netscalibur.
Chief executive Charles Nasser said Claranet had been attracted by VIA's strong cash flow and customer mix.

what a mistake to shake ...

Foreign Secretary Jack Straw has been criticised for shaking hands with Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe, whom he has previously accused of human rights abuses.
Straw was caught by a BBC camera shaking hands with the Zimbabwean leader last week at the United Nations in New York, a move which the Conservative party described as a "scandalous betrayal" of the people of Zimbabwe.
Straw defended his actions by saying it had been too dark to recognise Mugabe.
"I had not expected to see President Mugabe there," he was quoted by newspapers as saying.
"Because it was quite dark in the corner, I was being pushed towards shaking hands with somebody just as a matter of courtesy, and then it transpired it was President Mugabe."
London has led a campaign for Commonwealth sanctions against Mugabe over his controversial redistribution of white-owned farms to landless blacks and a 2002 re-election in polls international observers said were gravely flawed.
"It is a scandalous betrayal of the men and women of Zimbabwe who are suffering at the hands of Mugabe's blood-stained regime," the Conservative shadow Foreign Secretary Michael Ancram was quoted in the Daily Express as saying.

... so we invade Iraq because of their tyranical leader Saddam Hussain yet our foreign secretary at first does not recognise another tyrant and then shakes hands with him ?

LOL

It may be good enough for the Queen, but Windsor has suffered a public insult. It has been nominated among the 100 worst places to live, a bestselling alternative guide to Britain reveals today.

crap town this ...
Kew, Winchester, Oxford, Reading, Ascot, Harrow, Brighton, Oxford and Guildford are also in the running, rubbing shoulders with Hackney, Tottenham, Eastbourne, Port Talbot, Stockport, Swansea and Scunthorpe.
Thousands of nominations were received. Now the public will vote again - this time for the top 50 least desirable locations. The results will be published in October in Crap Towns II: The Nation Decides. The first book was a surprise hit last year when Hull won, and the second book publishes readers' suggestions.
Windsor is popular for its castle, which is an official residence of the Queen, Legoland and Eton. Famous residents include Sir Elton John, Jimmy Page, Natalie Imbruglia, Rolf Harris and Anna Friel.
Co-author Sam Jordison, 27, who lives in Minehead, has been travelling around the country to investigate the claims. He said: "Windsor has been nominated for its snobbery and conspicuous wealth. People wrote in about old ladies walking around thinking they're the Queen, the high price of beer and the fact you are constantly tripping over tourists."
Kew is claimed to be over-priced, conservative and populated by ladies who lunch. Mr Jordison added: "Kew is a similar case to Windsor. The cafés have big piles of the Daily Telegraph and are incredibly expensive. One person told us about an overheard conversation in which two young women were saying 'Wouldn't it be awful to have to work?'"
Hay-on-Wye in Herefordshire is an international attraction thanks to its bookshops and festival. But, for some, tourists and literary types make it well worth missing.
Stratford- upon- Avon gets the nod for its tourists and Shakespeare obsession. Mr Jordison added: "It was Morecambe that inspired it all because I used to go there as a teenager. I was in fear of my life in the evenings and completely bored in the afternoons.
"The book has clearly hit a nerve but I don't think we've influenced house prices."

I get so bored at times...

edit: to keep Marc happy I was sent this via e-mail from Danielle and understand it was also on the register and their own website as well

The sort of bored you are when you can't even be stuffed firing up a browser and seeing what's new at smuttysmuttychicks.com. But if I don't do it, who's going to care about the girls?! The Boss comes in mid browse, and starts rabbiting on about how it's not acceptable workplace behaviour, etc., etc.
I ask him to kindly be quiet because I'm not giving the girls the attention they deserve. Next thing you know, he's back with a guy from HR. And they want to have a quiet interview!!! What the hell, I am bored...

"Is there some reason you were looking at that porn site?" the HR Guy asks, carefully
"Apart from checking out the girls?" I ask.
"Yes."
"I don't think so. Hang on!"
"What?"
"Nope, I've got nothing."
"And you're aware that the company has a policy regarding acceptable use of computers?"
"Really?"
"YES" the Boss snaps, annoyed. "It's been in place for at least 18 months!"
"Ah, I see, so it's not actually a policy I agreed to several years ago when I started."
"Your contract gives the company the right to vary acceptable behaviour policies."
"Not my contract," I say
"I think you'll find it does," the HR Guy responds.
"No, mine was sent as an electronic document, so I just cut out the clauses I didn't like, added a couple of my own, printed two copies and signed them. Then your guy signed them too - probably without checking. Or maybe he liked the idea of clause F.3 that I'm allowed to call Managers... 'knobface'."
"I.." the HR Guy says, then ducks out the door to check something.

... two hours later . . .

"It's true," the HR Guy says. "There is a clause saying he can call you knobface."
"Which was also signed by your HR guy - in ink," I add.
"Yes."
"Including the eight or so extra clauses I added... er.. Knobface?"

There's an extended pause while the HR Guy contemplates some form of retaliatory attack, thinks the better of it, and goes to weep to the company solicitors. A couple of hours later he comes back with some fairly weak Force Majeur clause which would hold as much water as a paper g-string.

Still, I am bored....

"Which leads us to the fact that you're still in contravention of company policy," the HR guy continues.
"Ok, it's a fair cop," I say.
"So you're admitting that you committed an act which could have you dismissed?"
"My contract terminated, yes."
"Knowingly?"
"Sure."
"You don't seem to be taking this situation very seriously. You realise that if the company were to publicly terminate your contract for browsing porn, it's possible you'd never work in the industry again?"
"I think you're forgetting I work in the Computing Industry..."
"I don't think even they would tolerate this activity - if we were to let you go."

It would seem that the HR Guy has his heart set on me breaking down and blubbering like a big girl's blouse - which just isn't going to happen. Well, not now I've had my brainwave anyway.

"I don't actually think you CAN fire me for browsing porn.."
"Why not?"
"Well, I think I'm addicted to porn."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Addicted. To porn."
"You're joking!"
"Oh no. You see I'm fairly sure that the browsing of porn causes the release of testosterone, endorphins or something like that, which in turn causes a pleasure response in the body - or so my doctor will tell me if I ask. I'm addicted to that pleasure response, in much the same way as a drug addict is addicted to the pleasure they obtain from their drugs."
"So you're saying you have no control over your actions?"
"None."
"And you.... Believe that this is somehow the company's problem?"
"Oh no."
"Good."
"No, I think it's the company's fault. It's completely different."
"I think you'll find that to demonstrate fault, the company would have to be aware of a problem."
"They are. I filled out a workplace hazard form about it six months ago."

The HR Guy looks at the Boss, who shrugs silently, having only been in the company a few weeks.

"The company MADE me look at porn - what people were browsing, what was in their fileshares, etc."
"Eh?"
"I didn't want to - but it was my job! The things I've seen! The nightmares I have!"
"That's ridiculous - no-one can prove it's harmful!"
"Ah yes - the asbestos company defence," I say. "Still, you have your job to do..."
"So you're going to go quietly?"
"Of course! Although I will be pursuing the company for the costs of my treatment."
"What treatment?"
"The porn equivalent of methadone. Apparently it involves daily doses of bikini calendar photos."
"You can't be serious!"
"No, you're probably right. I guess I'll just have to make a full and frank disclosure as part of my class action suit against the company - just before the big share float."
"I think you'll find a class action suit is where a group of ..."
"Would you look at the bezels on her!" the PFY snaps from behind his monitor having until now been silent.
"Ah. Well, how about we forget the whole thing then?" the HR Guy says, realising that this could get rather nasty...
"That'll be fine," I say. "And could you close the door on your way out... knobface?"

I think I'll wait till next week to get help for my p2p piracy problem

can someone who speaks Greek please let me know what is going on here

Anyone seen Wild Things? When Neve Campbell and Denise Richards snog semi-naked in a swimming pool? We bet you haven't seen the deleted scenes yet... Part one here, part two here.

Preppy Americans Abercrombie and Fitch make an film around cheerleaders playing American Footy. Crap game, great girls.

Drive your car around a grid. Can you do it? We can't.

And given that most, if not all of you are likely to be heading to the pub very soon, here's ten Friday facts for when the conversation slows ...

1. The tongue of a blue whale is about the same size as an elephant
2. There are only 12 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet
3. The term 'cop' comes from Constable On Patrol
4. The first word spoken on the moon was "OK".
5. Milk from young coconuts was successfully used as blood plasma during WWII
6. Sweden has more phones per person than any other country in the world
7. Ants don't sleep
8. A baboon called "Jackie" became a private in the South African army during WWI
9. Coca Cola was originally green
10.It's impossible to kill yourself by holding your breath

some, all or none of the above from FHM

I couldn't believe it, within a few shorts weeks I was dating white women. It worked so well, I actually married the honkey!

Who you gonna call? Now is your chance to purchase a completely accurate Ghostbusters suit in one place! This labor of love took over half a year to research and assemble, and is considered to be among the top five reproductions by industry professionals.

check this out, IMHO its very clever but as for the conference bike someone must be having a laugh

from Dribbleglass.com - Euphemisms for Male Masturbation - You know them, you love them...but you don't know ALL of them. Here are some great ways of talking about masturbation without actually saying masturbation. Some are funny. Some are strange. But hey, aside from performing the act itself, reading this list is about the most entertaining thing you'll do today. Here's a few I hadn't heard before ...

Audition your hand puppet ...
Buff the banana ...
Burp the baby ...
Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love ...
Rubbing Buddha's tummy ... lots more here

if haxors ruled the world (click the picture for more)


NSFW - car wash anyone ?

afternoon all, been away for 3 days on a company team-building event at a place called Durbuy in Belgium. Fantastic fun including quad-biking, mountain biking, rock climbing, death-slide, ape bridges and kayaking all courtesy of Durbuyadventure.be

can someone please tell me wtf is going on here ?

the university at Albany has a teacher we could learn a lot from

Johnny Ramone, co-founder and lead guitarist of seminal 70’s punk rock band The Ramones, died in his sleep this afternoon at 3:03 pm in his home in Los Angeles. Ramone had been fighting an ongoing five year battle with prostate cancer.

this guy certainly has got what it takes (wmv)

some pretty scary and powerful storm videos here

games:
squares 2 - use the black square to catch others but avoid the reds

8008135:
never realised the reds were such beauties

some pictures that I found ...

Here are a few examples of the major differences between the 1997 Special Editions of the Star Wars films and the new 2004 DVD Editions. This doesn't include minor changes and sound mix changes. The 2004 DVD Edition images are on the right.

Mini is taking the craze for personalisation to extreme lengths with the launch of a six metre long Mini Cooper S limo called the Mini XXL which will make its world premiere in Athens this week.
The six wheel, four door, six seater stretch MINI Cooper S features the John Cooper Works Tuning Kit and was built by a specialist coach builder in Los Angeles. Fully loaded with all of the toys you would expect to find in a limousine, the MINI XXL comes equipped with a retractable flat screen TV, a DVD player, CD and radio, air conditioning, sunroof, full black leather and a telephone in the rear so that passengers can communicate with the driver. However, the highlight of the MINI XXL is the whirlpool integrated into the rear section of the car. The whirlpool seats two people and is easy to operate. Its detachable roof means that it can be covered when not in use and emptying it is a simple matter of pulling the plug to release the water. To accommodate the extra body length of the MINI XXL, the car is supported by a third rear axle that has two additional wheels.

I hope they do this right as the road situation in Reading at the moment is appalling, although knowing Reading Council work will start two weeks before Christmas and cause havoc as it overuns by 4 months making Reading Town centre a ghost town. But there again we live in hope ...

Councillors are to study proposals to make the IDR a one-way road system as part of a package of measures aimed at easing congestion in the centre of Reading.
The Council announced in December 2002 that it was to consider the possibility of a one-way IDR as part of its five point Transport Strategy for Reading. Since then computer modelling studies of the effect of a one way IDR have been carried out which have concluded:

A high proportion of traffic uses the IDR as a 'through route'. A significant proportion of this traffic would find alternative routes. A one way IDR would make access to the A33 Relief Road from west-central Reading easier by allowing direct access from what is now the Castle Hill roundabout. The 'built in gridlock' of the Oracle roundabout would be removed by simplifying the junction and removing conflicts. Other 'pinch points' at Caversham Road (huzzah!)and Vastern Road roundabouts would also be relieved.
Traffic modelling suggests that elsewhere on the Reading road network a one way IDR would have a positive effect, with the situation at the majority of junctions around the town either improving or remaining unaffected by the proposals. Whilst the situation at a small number of junctions would be made worse, traffic boffins believe that works at these junctions could ensure any impact is lessened.

The review of the IDR also indicates big environmental benefits as a result of the scheme:

Large sections of land will be released at junctions and round the route allowing for the potential planting of up to 1000 new trees to landscape the new IDR (cool).
The unloved concrete IDR flyover at the Oracle roundabout can be demolished (fantastic its butt-ugly).
Communities around the IDR disconnected from central Reading when the road was built can be reconnected to the centre by removing some of the 'barriers' which the IDR currently creates with the potential for better cycle and pedestrian routes.
The better use of road space in central Reading will enhance the arguments for further improvements such as the Cow Lane Bridges and a Third Thames Bridge.

It's really not difficult...

To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace

a converstaion over lunch today bought up the subject of fist purchases of certain items, here goes ...

Single (Vinyl) Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty
LP (Vinyl) Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd
CD Brothers In Arms by Dire Straits
Video (VHS) The Magnificent Seven
DVD The Matrix

we then went onto favourites where I can only give a top 5

Album
1. Dark Side of the Moon - Pink Floyd
2. Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie
3. Foxtrot - Genesis
4. Paranoid - Black Sabbath
5. 2112 - Rush

Film
1. Shawshank Redemption
2. The Great Escape
3. The Magnificent Seven
4. Green Mile
5. Lord of the Rings Trilogy

let me know yours ...

Chelsea striker Didier Drogba's yellow card against Aston Villa has been rescinded by referee Rob Styles. Styles booked Drogba for diving after a challenge by Ulises de la Cruz but has looked at video replays and changed his mind. "Referee Rob Styles has rescinded the yellow card," said the FA. "The referee states that after reviewing the incident on video, he is satisifed that there was no attempt by the player to deceive him." - can we have the penalty and the extra two points now ?


... also I believe that shirt-lifting is illegal in the premiership at last :)

Girls we all know you don't like to carry a big bag, but when you've got make-up, lipstick , condoms to carry where do you put your mobile cell phone?

You successfully identified 8 out of 14 items. You may play with my dog with supervision. http://www.dogtoyormaritalaid.com/

Welcome to the one and only, official, accept-no-substitutes Talk Like A Pirate Day Web site. You've read about it in Dave Barry's column. Maybe you caught one of our radio or TV interviews. Or maybe you just stumbled on to our site while googling around for sites your mother probably wouldn't approve of. Perhaps you were one of the millions of people from South Africa to Australia, from New York to the Pacific Northwest, who partied like pirates on September 19th, 2003. Only 6 days to go

We were eating dinner at one of our favorite Chinese places in Chinatown (no, I'm not going to say where), when Guy asked me to step outside with him for a minute before our hotpot arrived. We walked across the street, stopped at the bank to pick up some cash, and then came face to face with the monster. "I have to eat it."

looks like females will be out of business soon (VNSFW)

still hungry? try a chicken in a duck in a turkey (or a turducken) and perhaps a whole stuffed camel which once decorated with boiled eggs and nuts. Serves friendly crowd of 80-100

from b3ta - This group of aviation enthusiasts built a beautiful radio-controlled model of a B-52 bomber, powered with jet engines. They loved it. They took it to air-shows for all to see. Then they crashed it. Spectacularly. This heart-rending series of photos made us feel truly sorry for them, even as we chortled with malicious glee.

US video game makers Acclaim has filed for bankruptcy after struggling to keep up sales in an increasingly competitive games market for some time.

Scientists at the California Institute of Technology (Caltech) and the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) set a new land-speed record for Internet2, a second-generation network serving universities and research institutes.
The team, which included folks from AMD, Cisco, Microsoft Research, Newisys, and S2io, transferred 859 gigabytes of data in less than 17 minutes. It did so at a rate of 6.63 gigabits per second (define) between the CERN facility in Geneva, Switzerland, and Caltech in Pasadena, Calif., a distance of more than 15,766 kilometers, or approximately 9,800 miles, more here

some delicious 8008135 for you from Miss Reef 2004, Tel-Aviv

or you can visit the new restaurant beavers

or this lot must keep the chiropracters busy

Blimey used to have loads of these under my bed, pinups from the late seventies and early eighties, when girls just did the decent thing and took their clothes off nicely. Lots of lingerie and high heels, no clinical shaved ultra-vixens ! And with lots of that big hair, shoulder pads, amazing wallpaper and just a little bit of cheese.

10 most searched for ladies on the net, zooweekly asked LYCOS to provide the most popular link for each of the lovelies in question. And they did. Kind, huh? So without any further ado, we'll let you get on with the ogling...

1. Jordana Jardel
Cristiano Ronaldo's ex, and brother to Brazilian footballer Mario Jardel. Let's hope the 17 year old makes a bigger impression on the modelling world than big (and we mean too-many-Burger-Kings big) bro did on Bolton.

2. Abi Titmuss
Once a mere nurse with a penchant for some nookie, she's now a sex goddess with a liking for her old work outfits; in our fantasies, anyway. There aren't many things we thank John Leslie for, but discovering Miss Titmuss is one.

3. Paris Hilton
Ridiculously Posh, horribly arrogant, stupidly named; yet brilliant on camera whether she's making a pig's arse of herself in the countryside (The Simple Life) or just showing off her own, er, countryside. See what we did there?

4. Jo Guest
These days a veteran, but still the fourth most popular lady on the net. Still possesses a finer pair up front than Sir Alex Ferguson. Rooney or no Rooney.

5. Natalie Denning
Solihull stunna (copyright The Big Book of Tabloid Puns 2004) who apparently bedded Leonardo DiCaprio in New York once upon a time. Still, we all make mistakes, right?

6. Jennifer Ellison
Singer, actress, model, cook, bullet evader, lover of Scouse scally, and possessor of the finest natural cleavage in Britain. Would it be too much to guess that she's also great in bed? Let s hope not.

7. Michelle Marsh
Big pat on the back for ourselves here: the most popular Michelle link on the net at the moment is... wait for it... us! And the best thing is, we're totally not lying. Though now you probably think we are. But we're really, really not. OK?

8. Ana Johnson
A woman who doesn't 'cry for pain', if you believe the lyrics to her upcoming single. And we won t cry either, Ana, so long as you carry on looking like a sexy, less scary version of Avril Lavigne. Cheers.

9. Kelly Brook
Magnificent in every way. Can't write more - keyboard covered in Homer Simpson-esque drool.

10. Jordan
Junglist massives = wicked.

above courtesy of zooweekly

following on from a converstaion in the office this afternoon (obviously busy) thought I would share my findings ...

Carrots (Daucus Carota) are a taproot, a type of root which grows downwards into the soil and swells. Carrots come in many sizes and shapes: round, cylindrical, fat, very small, long or thin.
Native to Afghanistan, carrots were known to both the Greeks and Romans. In fact, the Greeks called the carrot "Philtron" and used it as a love medicine--making men more ardent and women more yielding. The Roman emperor Caligula, believing these stories, forced the whole Roman Senate to eat carrots so he could see them "in rut like wild beasts."
India, China, and Japan had established carrots as a food crop by the 13th century. In Europe, however, they were not well known until well into the Middle Ages. At that time, doctors prescribed them for everything from sexual maladies to snakebite--which some would argue, are biblically connected. In Holland, the original red, purple, black, yellow, and white varietals were hybridized to today's bright orange, with its potent dose of beta carotene (bet you didn't know that)
From thence, carrots moved to England, during Elizabethan times. Some Elizabethans ate the roots as food; others used their feathery stalks to decorate their hair, their hats, their dresses, and their coats.
Carrots arrived in the New World with the early colonists, but they were allowed to escape cultivation and subsequently turned into the omnipresent and delicate wild flower Queen Anne's Lace. If you doubt it, pull up a plant by the roots and surprise your nose with its carroty smell.
The folk belief that carrots enable one to see in the dark--or at least improve vision--enabled the British Royal Air Force to disguise its use of radar from the Germans during World War II. The story goes that the Air Force bragged that the great accuracy of British fighter pilots at night was a result of them being fed enormous quantities of carrots--and the Germans bought it because their folk wisdom included the same myth. if you want more look here

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. One Handed with a pencil on the ear? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £500 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber or a 'quiet one with your mate but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

The Beatles are the only British act on the list of founding inductees into the UK Music Hall of Fame, alongside Elvis Presley, Madonna ?? U2 ?? and Bob Marley.
The hall, to be the subject of a Channel 4 series, is for artists who have made the greatest contribution to "UK music culture". The artists were chosen by a panel including Sir George Martin, Trevor Nelson and Paul Gambaccini.

How unimaginative and predictable these nominations are - except for Bob Marley. The Beatles' latter work is very good though their early stuff is, lyrically speaking, awful. Elvis was a great performer as opposed to musician. How many of his own songs did he write? U2 and Madonna have great staying power and have done enough variety in the last 20 years to warrant a nomination as opposed to election. I'm not sure they are more deserving than The Kinks, The Stones, David Bowie, Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin though.

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

19. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself

Having just read the book on holiday ...

MILAN (Reuters) - The guide ushering tourists into the former monks' dining hall that houses Leonardo da Vinci's faded masterpiece "The Last Supper" tried in vain to interest her audience in art history, technique and aesthetics. She knew that sooner or later the questions -- about the Holy Grail's presence or absence from the work, or the real sex of the disciple to the right of Christ -- would come.
"Of course, you know there is now 'The Da Vinci Code'," Danish-born interpreter Hanne Munk told the guide at the end of her 15-minute viewing of the 30-foot (9-metre)-long painting, famed for its psychological realism and innovative use of perspective.
The guide, Lidia Sanvito, nodded wearily. The 34-year-old has heard of little else since U.S. author Dan Brown's runaway bestseller was published in March 2003, first from American readers, then starting late last year, from Italians and others as foreign translations hit bookstores worldwide. "They torture me," she said of the curious visitors. "I wasn't surprised about the Americans. But it really did shock me that Italians, with their strong Catholic traditions, would also ask these questions."
Few who visit the 500-year-old painting have not heard of the book. Many visitors nowadays admit the sensational tale of scheming priests, secret societies and pagan symbols was the main reason for their visit to Santa Maria delle Grazie church, on an otherwise quiet street in Italy's business capital.
"The Last Supper" has always been a top tourist draw in a city whose artistic treasures pale beside those of Rome, Venice and Florence. Even in August, when a mass holiday exodus leaves Milan virtually deserted, the small square outside the church bustles with activity.
A "sold out" sign hangs on the ticket office door, though admission to the painting has long been by reservation only. Sanvito reminds visitors that Leonardo painted onto a dry wall, meaning Brown was wrong to describe the work as a fresco, which are done on wet plaster and tend to age better. Just 25 people at a time are allowed to visit the work, whose once vibrant colours took Leonardo four years to complete and started deteriorating 20 years later, triggering a long series of attempts to preserve and restore it. The painting has endured indignities ranging from a widening of the door in the wall it occupies -- eliminating Christ's feet -- to a 1943 bombing raid which felled one of the walls of the refectory but miraculously spared Leonardo's work.
"The museum has seen renewed interest from people curious about seeing the masterwork for themselves since the book became an international hit," said Giuseppe Napoleone, the state-appointed director of the exhibit. "Working at the Last Supper and showing it to visitors, (the book) has become almost required reading for staff," he said. "More than ever they are asking which figure is John's, and about the V shape formed between his body and Christ's." The book says the effeminate apostle next to Jesus is not John at all, but actually Mary Magdalene who was secretly Christ's wife and the mother of his child, and that the V shape is a symbol for the Holy Grail, the "sacred feminine."
"The Da Vinci Code" is a modern-day quest for the Grail, the chalice from which Jesus and his disciples are said to have drunk at the Last Supper. The book argues that the Grail and Mary Magdalene were actually one and the same. Brown portrays "The Last Supper", as well as the Mona Lisa and other works by Leonardo, as brimming over with clues which his heroes use to unravel the truth about the Grail and its elite guardians.The Milan painting is one of several tourist sites worldwide to reap the benefits, including the Louvre in Paris, where guides are also constantly asked about the novel and firms have created tours tailor-made for fans.
"John looks a little bit feminine," Sanvito tells a group of South African high school students, pointing out that there is no shortage of androgynous young men in Renaissance art. "He was a young man." That does not discourage fans of the book, which has sold more than 10 million copies worldwide. "I think (the book) is actually very believable," said one of the students, 15-year old Victoria Sinton of Johannesburg. "We did try to ask (the guide) about the Holy Grail, but she didn't understand what we were saying."
Others were more sceptical, but still curious.

Don't tell the health and safety people but Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his trusty assistant, Beaker, have topped a poll of the UK's favourite cult TV boffins.

The crazy duo whose experiments usually end up destroying their Muppet Labs facility received a third of the votes. They easily beat Star Trek's Mr Spock and Dr Who's Time Lord in a fun survey to mark the British Association's Festival of Science in Exeter. More than 40,000 votes were cast in the poll through the bbc.co.uk/cult website - more here and here
UK's TOP CULT TV BOFFINS
1. Honeydew and Beaker (The Muppets) - 33%
2. Mr Spock (Star Trek) - 15%
3. The Doctor (Dr Who) - 13%
4. Q (James Bond) - 9%
5. Dr Emmett Brown (Back To The Future) - 8%
6. Dana Scully (The X Files) - 8%
7. Dr Strangelove - 5%
8. Frank 'N' Furter (Rocky Horror Picture Show) - 4%
9. Dr Evil (Austin Powers) -4%
10. Dr Frankenstein - 1%

Having recently read Michael Moore's book and seen the film this sparked my interest

As everyone knows, on 11 September, less than an hour after the attack on the World Trade Centre, an airplane collided with the Pentagon. The Associated Press first reported that a booby-trapped truck had caused the explosion. The Pentagon quickly denied this. The official US government version of events still holds. Here's a little game for you: Take a look at these photographs and try to find evidence to corroborate the official version. It's up to you to Hunt the Boeing!

in other news ...

Students at a Catholic school complained about new Haribo sweet wrappers which they claim portray fruit having sex.

In a letter to the firm, they wrote: "We are shocked at the shameless presentation of sexual practices on the wrapping, which includes not only sexual intercourse but also fellatio and cunnilingus. The letter added: "It's irresponsible, to expose children to such pornographic representations." The sweets wrapped in bright yellow, red and green colours show lemons, limes, strawberries, cherries and oranges romping with each other.

The students were especially opposed to the lemon flavoured chews, which "undoubtedly show a green figure having sex with a lemon". "The lemon, which from the drawing looks female, is obviously enjoying it with the greatest of pleasure." Haribo bosses admit the new packaging is "very racy", but said in tests no complaints had been raised. Spokesman Marco Alfter said: "The new wrapping is certainly fruitier than the old. But we have not had any other complaints. In fact until now the feedback has all been positive."

lastly found this on Fazed ... A time-lapse music video filmed over a seven-day period at 1 frame per second (10fps at night), compressing the journey into less than 4 minutes.

woot this is my 800th post according to blogger

also found on the bbc science site is an ideal job role questionaire (well the last one did say I was unhappy in my job) test here

Knowing the types you most (and least) fit can help you think about the types of role that may suit you.

Read below to find out what careers you seem to be suited to based on your results in the test:

Investigative
Your results suggest that Investigative type work might suit your interests and preferences.
Investigative types prefer thinking to action, they like working with information and may prefer working with ideas rather than with people. They tend to like jobs in which they can research, analyse and solve problems (or come up with new problems!) and prefer using their brains to their interpersonal skills. Typical roles that suit Investigative types are scientist, engineer, laboratory worker, computer programmer, pharmacist and vet.

Conventional
Your results suggest that Conventional type work is less likely to suit your interests.
Conventional types are happy to work within systems and large organisations and tend to focus on accuracy and efficiency, preferring to know what is expected of them. They tend to like things to be organised and predictable and are often involved in roles that involve recording, sorting, documenting and organising. Typical roles for Conventional types include the range of administrative and clerical roles (e.g. in the government and financial sectors) as well as accountancy, banking, bookkeeping, secretarial work and some inspecting roles.

Artistic
Your results suggest that Artistic type work is less likely to suit your interests.
Artistic types are interested in creativity and art, preferring freedom and independence to following rules and procedures. Self-expression is very important to Artistic types and they may prefer to work alone. Typical roles for Artistic types include artist, singer, designer, photographer, musician, writer and actor.

and my capability of becoming a millionaire ?

What is your millionaire potential?
Your score is: 16
You're in the middle group - score 9 - 16
You've got plenty of millionaire potential, but have some way to go if you want to be seriously rich. Are you prepared to make the necessary sacrifices? Can you be sufficiently dedicated - and do you want to be? Can you learn to use money more efficiently?
(obviously have not seen my bank balance)

Didn't watch the BBC personality program last night but seems everyone else in the office did so I found the test and these are the results ...

Your answers suggest you are a Strategist
The four aspects that make up this personality type are:


Summary of Strategists
Quiet, easy-going and intellectually curious
Use logical, objective thinking to find original solutions to problems
Think of themselves as bright, logical and individualistic
May be impractical, forgetting practical issues, such as paying bills or doing the shopping

More about Strategists
Strategists are quiet people who like to get to the heart of tough problems on their own and come up with innovative solutions. They analyse situations with a sceptical eye and develop ways of measuring everything, including themselves.

Strategists are the group most likely to say they are unhappy in their job, according to a UK survey.

Strategists are generally easy-going. They are intellectually curious and enjoy abstract ideas. Sometimes they like thinking of a solution to a problem more than taking practical steps to solve it.

In situations where they can't use their talents, are unappreciated, or not taken seriously, Strategists may become negatively critical or sarcastic. Under extreme stress, Strategists could be prone to inappropriate, tearful or angry outbursts.

Strategists may be insensitive to the emotional needs of others or how their behaviour impacts the people around them.

Strategist Careers
Strategists are often drawn to technical or scientific careers, where specialist knowledge is required. They also seem to enjoy jobs that involve long-term planning, abstract thinking or design.

The Flinstones' pet dinosaur Dino makes an appearance in New Zealand. Scientists using a camera to monitor a remote New Zealand volcano over the Internet have struck an odd problem - a pink dinosaur.New Zealand's Geological and Nuclear Sciences (GNS) has installed a digital camera in the crater of a volcano which makes up most of White Island in the Bay of Plenty, east of Auckland.The often-active volcano draws tourists by boat but most people do not go ashore on the uninhabited, rumbling island (more here)

Sometimes the games that work the best are the simplest - Hangman

Woman goes from Boring to Bland... kansascity.com

spiderman comics that didn't make it LOL ... (click on one to go to the index of these)

Use your digital photo to take the risk out of a new haircut. Use our hair cut-outs to try out new hairdos before you start chopping.

Pay close attention... you could miss something.

"Giuseppe Cannella had a big surprise for his mother-in-law when he put a jet engine on the back of her wheelchair." We'll work on how to stop it later... Mr Cannella says the chair can now do top speeds of more than 60mph and has proved the star of a model plane championship during the Bank Holiday. "It is just the wheelchair with the engine bolted on the back and steering on the front," he said. "Originally it was a gimmick. I had a jet engine and I was going to put it on a go cart. "But the missus says put it on something unusual and so I put it on the mother-in-law's wheelchair," said Mr Cannella, who is from Luton in Bedfordshire.

Had a fantastic holiday in Cala Mandia in Mallorca, kids made loads of friends , apartment's were spotless and food and beer cheap :) weather was incredible with only 1.5 days with any cloud, heartilly recomended. Managed to read 4 books all of which I really enjoyed and in no particular order:
...Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett ...Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
...Dude, Where's my Country ...Full Time by Tony Cascarino

Watched Kill Bill 2 / Scooby Doo 2 / Cheaper By The Dozen on DVD over the weekend.

Kill Bill 2 - There’s bloody revenge, eye-gouging, poisonous snakes, and a kung-fu move called “The Five-Point Exploding Heart Technique,” so in other words, a good time at the movies. But that feeling you get as it all winds down towards the surprisingly conventional ending? That's the realization that "Volume One" had promised something us stranger, weirder, and better by the time The Bride finds Bill. Maybe if Tarantino hadn’t sprinted so hard early on, he wouldn’t have run out of puff right when it mattered.

Scooby Doo 2 - Well Scooby fans... This is a review from a person who has loved the cartoon ever since the day that I could understand it. I thought that the first Scooby Doo movie was decent so I knew that I would have to get out to see the sequel. Scooby Doo: Monster Unleashed decides to go the potty humor way which I think is just wrong for scooby doo. This movie also suffers from an awful storyline which is hard to keep track of, thanks to all of the breaks to get in the not very funny humor. I think that Shaggy and Fred were the only two that did a satisfying job, otherwise the acting was Medoicre

Cheaper by The Dozen - The film never really explains what the deal is with the 12 kids; even the most maternal of souls could hardly be interested in having a brood of that size. At any rate, Tom ends up coaching division three football in the hicks, while Kate becomes mostly mom and a part-time writer. By chance, they both get the opportunity to change their lives and fortunes. Her book is going to be published but it means weeks on a book tour; he's given the job of his dreams coaching division one football at his alma mater but it means moving the family. The kids whine and bitch and ruin everything. The moral of the story: You can't have it all, so choose family. Whatever. Frankly, "Cheaper by the Dozen" is less a family comedy than a film-length pitch for birth control.

Currently playing Doom 3 and City of Heroes although these may go on back-burner for a week or so as courtesy of Marc I have borrowed the 3rd series of 24 which me & the missus are looking forward to.

Doom 3 - The setting might not be anything new, but it is indicative of developer id Software's intentions; with Doom 3 they're not trying to redefine the FPS genre - they're just trying to make a very scary game. This much is clear once you get into the action, where the shooting is decidedly 'old-school', primarily consisting of despatching mindlessly charging enemies with an impressive selection of weaponry. In terms of atmosphere and immersion, it is in a league of its own. Doom 3 begins as your marine arrives for his first day of work at the Union Aerospace Corporation's research facility on Mars. Within a few minutes, all hell has broken loose (literally), and in time-honoured tradition, your marine is the only man who can save the day. However, what follows is not quite what Doom veterans might have expected. Rather than facing endless hordes of enemies which must be mown down one after another, instead the action is divided into sporadic battles with two or three demonic opponents at a time.
It's clearly a deliberate move, based on the premise that in terms of building fear, less is definitely more - you see, Doom 3 isn't a straight shooter; it actually plays rather a lot like a survival horror game. As you stalk around the space station's oppressively narrow corridors, worrying about your short supply of ammunition, with flickering lights barely illuminating the path ahead, the fear of the next encounter is often worse than the event itself. Darkness is used to maximum effect, with your handheld torch frequently required in order to progress through the shadows - the problem being that you can't wield a weapon while holding it.
Even more important is the intelligent use of sound. Whether playing in surround sound or through headphones, Doom subtly attacks your nervous system via your eardrums. The groans, shuffling footsteps and occasional cries of demons warn of terror ahead, and when you do encounter an enemy, their attacks are usually accompanied by stomach-turning shrieks, or worse, devilish laughter.
Clever use of technology helps to keep you on the edge of your seat, but some of the other methods Doom 3 utilises are a little more rudimentary, such as the way that enemies suddenly materialise when triggered by your movements, or the way the game limits you to just one (over-writeable) mid-level save point. Still, regardless of the methods used, the outcome is clear: playing Doom 3 is an incredibly tense experience.

City Of Heroes - Let's face it, at some point in your childhood you always wished you could be your favourite hero, whether it's one of the X-Men, Spiderman or Superman. Alas, us mere mortals have to make do with our lack of powers, and no matter how many times you stick your hand in a tarantula's glass box and it bites you, you're never going to be spinning webs any size. Luckily for comic book and superhero fans, Cryptic Studios are at hand with their MMORPG City of Heroes. An MMORPG without dwarves and Elves? Surely not! Yes' it's true a persistent online world that is not based on the usual RPG fantasy roles.
A key component of any MMORPG is the character creation and as soon as you've logged in and registered, it's the first task of any would-be hero. Crytpic Studios have created one of the most interesting and fun character creation systems of any current MMO title, the options are simply vast. In fact I defy you to start a character and be truly satisfied with his/her appearance and the next time you login you'll probably start another character just so you can mess with the creation process all over again. Every colour, just about every superhero costume you could think of, and a good variety of body types make the characters very complete. Love it!
Each character is based around five Origins, Technology, Mutant, Science, Natural and Magic but it's little more complex than that, you also have to choose your character Archetype from either the Blaster, Controller, Tanker, Scraper or Defender. The Archetype sets your character's specialty, for example a Tanker is great in defense and can dish out slow but powerful attacks. On the other hand the Blaster is effective at ranged combat but is not too great in defense. Setting up the character can take some time as you get down to selecting your initial character skills based on your character's Origin. Once you're done with the character selection it's time to enter Paragon City for the first time.
Crytpic are obviously well aware of the initial drudge of many MMORPGs and they've kept CoH easy to understand and quick to learn. You start the game with a basic tutorial which includes a few simple missions allowing you to get to grips with the game's interface and control, all of which are pretty simple and can be completed inside 10 minutes. With the training done it's time to enter Paragon City.

reviews not written by me but closest I could find to my thoughts on the games :)

So one day I stumble into my flatmates room as hes forgot to turn his alarm off, now I'm a very curious person so when i see a box in the corner i wonder whats in it. very funny

Pt. 1 of wtf? A company called Lisy Corporation distributes the candy bags. Lisy says they bought the toys, sight unseen, from L and M Import/Export of Miami. We talked to L and M and they say they have no problem at all with the toy and don't consider it offensive at all.

Pt.2 of wtf? A drunken driver hit a telephone pole support wire that decapitated his passenger, police said. He then drove 12 miles home and slept in his bloody clothes, police said, leaving the headless body in his truck.

Pt.3 wtf? Saturday just wasn't Jesse Huffman's day. First the Great Falls, Mont., 19-year-old was stopped coming over the U.S. border from Canada. Then he was arrested after clogging up a government toilet. "I've never been arrested before or anything like that, and I get arrested for taking a dump,"

very busy as first couple of days back at work :(

some links for your enjoyment ...

Behemoth music archive to be marvelled at, especially if you're reading this in an anorak. Browse audio clips of every UK Number 1 single ever.

It's a peculiar lost feeling when a page on the web steals your mouse pointer. How steady is your hand?

'Can a rodent generate enough electricity to power a light by running on it's wheel?' That was enough inspiration for us to start the project, and we soon added Skippy the Hamster to the Otherpower.com payroll. He's a Syrian Hamster, and we chose that breed since they are nocturnal and like to run on the exercise wheel.

404 URL Not Found - a gentler version

Penguins rock! Watch the magical Indianapolis Zoo webcam, handily located in a penguin enclosure.


beach volleyball mmmm...

And finally - in an unashamed bid to prolong summer: dozens of bikini babes.

sources include FHM, B3ta