According to Zoo Weekly web site - 2004 saw some of the hottest music videos ever released. Here are their Top Ten of the year; try to avoid working up too much of a sweat.

Britney Spears – Toxic
A libidinous air-stewardess entrancing her jubilant passengers, before turning into a Mission Impossible-style action chick, this ranks as one of Britney’s sauciest offerings.

Jessica Simpson – Sweetest Sin
Newlywed Jessica teases her man about having to wait until after marriage get some action. Who would have thought she had it in her to be just a little bit naughty?

Eric Prydz – Call On Me
The dance hit of the summer, this erotically charged video actually makes aerobics look fun. Blimey.

Beyonce - Naughty Girl
Within the backdrop of an Art-Deco style nightclub, Ms Knowles shakes her considerable booty along to an eastern sounding beat, in an attempt to seduce fellow R&B star Usher.

Christina Milian – Dip It Low
The young popstress turned ripened vixen goes all oriental before rolling around in some tar, all the while enlightening us about her oral techniques. Dip it where, Christina? Oh...

Kylie – Red Blooded Woman
The diminutive Aussie minx sings and dances her way through a traffic jam, clearly enjoying herself as she writhes all over a petrol tanker along the way.

Kelis – Milkshake
In this innuendo-filled video, the crazy-haired Kelis has all the boys salivating at the prospect of one of her ‘special’ desserts.

Rachel Stevens – Some Girls
Rachel finally discards the girly S-Club 7 image with a seductive performance in this video. How do we like it? Covered in raspberry ripple ice cream. Cheers Rach.

Girls Aloud – Love Machine
The girls turn retro in this 60’s pop-influenced video, and manage to attract the attention of all males over the age of 14 with their endearing allure.

Britney Spears – My Prerogative
In this cover of the Bobby Brown hit, Miss Spears drives a Porsche into a swimming pool before prancing around semi-naked in her lingerie.

ed's note : Eric Prydz has to be the best although still a way to go to catch Benny Benassi's Satisfaction, mr. Benassi dropped a massive, industry changing instant dance classic track on the world. All hail Benny for helping push forth and develop this unique sound. Tasty vid. and could not go without a mention for Chris Cox and his megamix of Britney Spears

Watched the extended version of Return of the King last night and wow.
Of course, the movies are not a perfect adaptation. No book is ever adapted directly to the screen. There are purists who objected, and there are some points to be made. When he sticks to Tolkien, Jackson is at his best. When he starts to deviate, well, it depends on your viewpoint. Some of his humor borders on demented (especially one new scene on this DVD), other things just don't work.
Jackson made some choices that caused controversy, but they were made for the sake of filmmaking and I found myself in agreement. Moving the hobbit/Shelob confrontation from The Two Towers to this film was one of them. Jackson argued that without it, there was little for the Halflings to do in film three. As for some of the other changes, hey who knows why Hobbits all have permed mullets like the members of Def Leppard or Europe back in the 1980s.
On http://dvd.ign.com I found a list of some of the extra 48 mins of scenes and have listed a couple of my favourites below.

Peregrin, Soldier of the "Tower of Guard"
Faramir is amused to see Pippin dressed as a guardsman of the Tower and wearing the old uniform that he wore as a boy. A sweet scene with the two and it builds a connection between the two, which helps set up Pippin's willingness to save Faramir from his father later.


OK who called me dumbledore ?

The Corsairs of Umbar
Aragorn blocks the Corsairs at a dock and orders them to stop. The Corsairs laugh. Aragorn asks Legolas to shoot a warning arrow close to the Boatswain's ear, but Gimli bumps Legolas and the Boatswain takes it in the chest. (Look close. The Boatswain is Peter Jackson). The Corsairs demand to know with what army will the trio take their boats. "This one" says Aragorn, and the Army of the Dead attack. Probably the second-best scene on the Extended Edition, but again, it takes away the surprise of the undead army arriving later.

The Battle of Pelennor Fields
Longer battle sequence with some gruesome shots, shows Eowyn fighting sans helmet, with Theoden momentarily stopping in disbelief at the sight of Eowyn kicking ass. We see the fate of Gothmog, the Toxic Avenger-like orc that was leading the army. Also shows Merry fighting and dispensing serious ownage to a number of orcs.

The Mouth of Sauron
The Black Gate opens and the Mouth of Sauron comes out to welcome them. It's literally a mouth, as it takes up half the face of the creature talking to them. The Mouth holds up Frodo's Mithril shirt as a taunt, saying Frodo died painfully. Aragorn snaps and beheads the bastard. His behavior here will also be the source of much debate.

OK who set fire to my sword? Cut ....

wouldn't mind a couple of these under my tree tomorrow morning ...

Darth Vader "Luke, I know what you are getting for Xmas"
Luke Skywalker "How can you know that"
Darth Vader "I felt your presence"

Presents for Premiership managers
Alex Ferguson - Some more toys to through out of his pram
Harry Redknapp - Map of South Coast so he can find his next football job
Jose Mourinho - Magnified rear view mirror so he can see Arsenal and Man United way behind him ;)

Why do lightbulbs work!? Surely its just electricity passing through a wire!?
A normal light bulb is made up of a fairly large, thin, frosted glass envelope. Inside the glass is a gas such as argon and/or nitrogen. At the center of the lamp is a tungsten filament. Electricity heats this filament up to about 2,500 degrees C). Just like any hot metal, the tungsten gets "white hot" at that heat and emits a great deal of visible light in a process called incandescence.

To spread the christmas joy this year i bring you a memo from HR that we recieved yesterday, merry xmas ....

All staff,
Please note that tomorrow, December 24th 2004, is officially a full working day.
Please respect normal working hours unless of course you have previously received approval from your manager to take tomorrow as annual leave.
If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact your manager.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so to cheer us up ... if you've got $699 around, you want a laser "pointer" that can burn holes in cups from across the room, casts a visible beam until it hits a cloud, or you have a pet shark, this is for you.

Greatest Music Video Ever

topless rodeo looks quite good

old favourite that appears every year tramp-o-claus strikes again

Chav Aid To be sung to the tune of Band Aid - marvellous!

It's Christmastime, there's no need to be afraid
At Christmas time, we all go out, coz we just got paid.
And on a night on Broad Street, we can spread a smile of joy.
Throw your arms around a chav at Christmastime.

But say a prayer,
Pray for the chavvy ones,
At Christmastime its hard, but when you're having fun
There's some chavs outside your window,
And we're dressed in Burberry gear,
Where the only water flowing,
Is our Tennants Super Beer
And the Christmas bells that ring there,
Are our clanging golden hoops.
Well tonight thank God its them instead of you!

And there won't be chavs in Reading town this Christmas time,
The greatest gift we'll get this year is ice,
(Oooh) Coz they all wear sovereign rings,
And cheap gold chains for bling.
Do they even know they're chavs at all?

(Here's to you) - raise a tin for everyone
(Here's to them) - with their Kappa tracksuits on.
Do they even know they're chavs at all?

(courtesy of elisha at work)

Dover Athletic Football Club has just over a month to raise £48,000 or face going under, according to bosses at the Ryman Premier side. The club has been hit by an unexpected £25,000 VAT bill for hot food sold inside the Crabble Athletic Ground over a 2 year period.
Now my maths is a little rusty but with VAT at 17.5% thats a pie bill of £ 142,857 before VAT and with the average pie costing £ 2.50 that's a whopping 57,142 pies consumed over two seasons (28,571 per season) and with 23 home games per season making it 1,242 pies per match consummed. With their average attendance coming to 600 per game thats at least 2.07 pies per person per match.
To help please visit their website to make a donation

Lift up the front and have a good hard look.
Check the spare tyre and any handles.
Make sure the top can come down and look good in the summer.
Are the bodywork and lines to your liking.
Ensure it response well when you are in the driving seat.
Fit a child lock.
Make sure any unusual noises can be safely ignored.
Ensure sole ownership.
If possible test drive several times before committing to ownership.
Make sure that there is a proper response when you put your foot down….
and that it is easy to control.
Ensure that no joy rider can get their hands on it.
See if the coil needs replacing.
Watch out for any nasty emissions.
Keep all leather accessories in order.
For your own safety never attempt to handle when drunk.
Never let your friends have a go.
German models- tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent brief usage.
Italian models- are very responsive but change hands often and often make worrying noises.
American models- tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.
British models- especially the attractive ones, are hard to find and expensive to maintain.
Swedish models- are usually versatile and safe.
Japanese models- are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.
French models- are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.

A man walks into a store and asks the clerk where he can find the tampons, so he can pick some up for his wife. He is directed to the appropriate "nasty women stuff" isle. He returns a few minutes later with a bag of cotton balls and a roll of kite string. The clerk hesitantly asks, " I know it's none of my business, but weren't you looking for tampons?"
The man replies, " Yeah, but then I remembered the last time I sent my wife out to get me cigarettes and she came back with a pouch of tobacco and some papers because it was cheaper. So this time she can roll her own."

The British no longer wants America. We do not wish to drop our average I. Q. To allow distinction between Britain and America the following will be implemented.

1. The English language is English as the name English suggests; new dialects made from the non-English are to be banned. The English decide how the English language is to be spoken. As none of you know how to speak English, we think the best idea would be for you to make up your own language, you’ve nearly done so already. It’ll be easier than learning correct English. We advise that the creation of the new language “American” should be left to the few of you with I.Q.s larger than 60. English will now be studied as a foreign language at all stages of education; you may just learn it that way. Your country does not have a higher number of English speakers, what you speak is not English. There is no such nationality as Scotch; it is Scottish. DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW WE DEPICT YOU WHEN YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE’RE CALLED.

2. Hollywood is to acknowledge what really happened in all war films. You did not have the “U-571” mission. That was the British. We Were Soldiers is to have a new ending. You did not win Vietnam; the film should show this. Hollywood is to create 10 films of what America did wrong in wartime, we all make mistakes, no wonder you are all bigheaded.

3. Sports are from now on allowed no padding. We can cope without it, you will be surprised to find that no other country does this and it is not necessary. We created the first football, so we decide what is football. Your sport football is now called American Women’s Rugby. Basketball will be called Men’s Netball. You have realised that less padding is better, bouncing the ball will not be allowed. In Hockey only the goalkeeper will wear pads, and you are only allowed to hit with one side of the stick. Cricket will be taught from an early age, while the adults can’t understand, the children might still develop an I.Q.

4. Star Spangled Banner, is now to be used as the theme tune for Sesame Street. The existing one is a little too intelligent for American children. As for the adults, the Sesame Street theme tune is on the same level as your intellectual abilities and is now your National Anthem. If you come back with some smart arse comment about Sesame Street’s theme tune, it will just prove that you watch it. Think carefully.

5. Teletubbies was intended for child’s television. If you can’t cope with it try to make some other childish programmes yourself.

6. Adverts can only be shown twice every 30 minutes on television. TV is for programmes not advertising. Shopping channels will be merged with ordinary stations; this will reduce your advertising, and will reduce the cost of your cable bill.

7. Again, we made beer, so we decide what it is. Budweiser is not beer; beer tastes good.

8. In the next U.S election you will vote for someone that has the mental age of at least 12. It’s not much, but improvements should be gradual. If you elect someone with a mental age of more than 18, each of those that voted for this person will be presented with a certificate of sanity and mediocre intelligence.

9. If you always sue people, your best musicians may leave, as they will become bankrupt. Michael Jackson, and Eminem is evidence that all your successful people just get sued all the time. With this it is no surprise that no-one has an I.Q. of above 60, as the ones that do have to give their money to those that don’t

10. You are not Irish. The real Irish get pissed off when you claim that you are once a year. If you insist on this habit, you may become part of Ireland, but that will mean that you have to learn English, rather than create American (see clause 1).

11. We don’t have handguns; our guns are used for hunting animals not people. You should adapt to do likewise. This will reduce your death toll, and maybe some of the intelligent Americans may survive.

Thank you for your co-operation. We believe if you do the following, your average I.Q. may rise by 50%. You may now continue watching Teletubbies.

Dying hamsters, overhead jets, aliens and a desperate need for the toilet have all been offered as excuses by speeding motorists.
Speed camera organisation The Northumbria Safety Camera Partnership has publicised the zaniest ways that drivers hoped to avoid a penalty.
Manager Ray King said everything from the wind behind the car to a vibrating surfboard were quoted by motorists.
"This is a light-hearted look at excuses for speeding but it is a serious issue - we'd rather not be getting any letters at all because no one is breaking the speed limit and no one is receiving a ticket," he said.
"It is quite amazing the lengths some drivers will go to to avoid £60 and three points, when really the alternative is extremely simple - keeping within the speed limit."

The 10 most elaborate excuses given by drivers caught by speed cameras were:

:: I had passed out after seeing flashing lights in the distance, which I believed to be UFOs. The flash of the camera brought me round from my trance.

:: I was in the airport's flight path, and I believe the camera was triggered by a jet overhead, not my car.

:: I had a severe bout of diarrhoea and had to speed to a public toilet.

:: There was a strong wind behind my car which pushed me over the limit.

:: My friend had just chopped his own fingers off, and I was rushing the digits to hospital.

:: The vibrations from the surfboard I had on the roof rack set off the camera.

:: I had to rush my dying hamster to the vets.

:: A violent sneeze caused a chain reaction where my foot pushed down harder on the accelerator.

:: There was a suspected case of foot and mouth and I had to rush to see the cow concerned.

:: The only way I could demonstrate that my clutch was faulty was to accelerate madly.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
"This was done on the top on the bus.
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um ... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod???
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?
Madam?......Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Why men don't talk to each other in public toilets ..

I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hi ya mate, how are you going?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was .....

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dickhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say."


supplied by Ryan at work