Did you hear about the gay magician? He disappeared with a poof!

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes? A: A Piiig

A man goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "My god man, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "28 pence."

Two cows are stood in a field, and one says, "moooooo."
The other says, "You bastard! I was gonna say that."

A man was driving along in his car one Sunday Afternoon when he was pulled over by a police car. "Have you been drinking sir?" Said the polce officer. "No", said the man, "Why was I driving badly?" "No said the Officer, you were driving splendidly, it was fat ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

Parts of Liverpool were closed off today after a suspicious device was found on a car. Police later found out it was a tax disc.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave til its Bill Withers

Husband walks into his house with a duck under his arm. "Here's the pig I've been shagging," he says.
His wife says, "but thats a duck."
And he says, "I was talking to the duck."