from a lady friend ....

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back, licks the £20 note and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a £50 note, calls the guy over and licks the £50 note. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks also.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me,
and the guy is egging me on to try to top the £50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do????
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt and grabbed the eighty quid!

Customer to shopkeeper...

Worcester Sauce please mate.
Sorry, can't, its off the shelves, cancer scare.
Oh right, uh Chinese Chicken Wings?
.. err that's the same mate, cancer scare
Hamburger Relish?
Cancer scare
Sausage and Mash?
Cancer scare
Cottage Pie?
ok.....no wait, cancer scare.
So they're all off the shelves because of a cancer scare?
Yup.
That's crazy, just give me a packet of fags then.
No worries mate, £4.75 please.

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."


A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says: "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut? " The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says: "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says: "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says: "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
"He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says: "Your house!"

hungover, knackered and my throat hurts after last nights exertions, and that was just watching the game.

In an effort to stop this becoming just a chelsea site thought I would post some links to some amusing stuff ...

origin of superman the comic "filthy eraktonians"

wouldn't want to get my nadgers caught in this

interesting read, damn it Valentines has gone, would have made a perfect present for the missus

crash the bike into the girl and make her fly, 1009.58 is my best so far

10 things you ladies should know about our dangly bits...

How fast is your reaction speed? I can't get under .192 :-(

8008135 - FTV girls at http://www.thepornguystgp.com/ftvthumbs/

finally some cool artwork