29.4.05
tourists and things to try in the lift ...
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwillgwyngyllgogerychwyrndobwilliantysillogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress: "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us?"
"Sure", replied the waitress.
"Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
"The waitress leaned over and very slowly said: "Burrrrr-gurrrr-Kinngg."
and for afters, next time you are in the lift try ...
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5.Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6.Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's Mine!"
7.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
8.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
10.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
28.4.05
mieten Sie einen Deutschen ...
rentagerman.de offers a wide range of Germans for your personal and social needs.
You can select the German of your choice for an exclusive lifetime experience: Imagine to appear with your German at parties, family events, or just hang out with them at the local shopping center. No matter which occasion you choose, you will surely impress your environment by presenting an original German.
A Darth Vader impersonator found the Force was against him — after he was fined by cops for not wearing a seatbelt. Chris Gedge, 39 — who was with two pals in Stormtrooper outfits — joked with police and told them his bulky Vader chest armour made it difficult to wear a seatbelt.
But they saw the dark side — and hit him with a £30 fine.
Sabrina Ferilli extremely hot girl with bit of a Sophia Lauren
thing going onEven though it is in German I think we can all learn a few valuable forklift safety lessons from this video. We all have seen so many tragic forklift accidents and
it is time to end the horrible cycle.
26.4.05
guess the google ...
cool game - 20 images and guess the keyword that brought them up as a result
http://www.weavedigital.com/guess-the-google/ managed 289 so far ...
fantastic stuff - a site dedicated to tiger wood heroics on the 16th at Augusta and there is no physical evidence supporting the myth that his shot went in without assistance. That being said, within my theory there are many sub-theories, which can be viewed
on this site
amazing bit of work here, a non-commercial animated short that is so spooky and so well-done (imho)
8008135 - Deanne’s credits include, the role of aerobics instructor in Eric Prydz' video "Call On Me", the successful tour of "Long Way To The Top" as a featured dancer, Caroline O’Connor’s - Stage To Screen at the Sydney Opera House, Cairns Casino- Mysterium and on P&O Pacific Sky Cruises, various television commercials and music film clips.
Deanne has worked with some of Australia’s leading choreographers and has supported such artists as Cliff Richard, Kylie Minogue, Vanessa Amorossi, Rebecca Cartwright, Marcia and Deni Hines in addition to being in demand for parade and photographic modelling.
25.4.05
HSBC ...
HSBC Bank is pleased to announce the installation of 'Drive-thru' cash-point machines at key retail outlets where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without having to leave their vehicles
To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities, we have conducted intensive studies to come up with the appropriate procedure for their use.
Please read the procedures that apply to you, and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into the machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.
8. Go on the lash.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car window with the cash machine.
3. Restart the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat and locate card.
6. Turn the radio down.
7. Attempt to insert card.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19. Re-check make-up.
20. Drive forward 2 meters.
21. Reverse back to cash machine.
22. Retrieve card.
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull away.
25. Drive for 2 or 3 miles.
26. Release hand-brake.
here kitty kitty ...
Lion plus tiger equals a huge ass beast. He looks like something from a prehistoric age or a fantastic creation from Hollywood. But Hercules is very much living flesh and blood - as he proves every time he opens his gigantic mouth to roar. Part lion, part tiger, he is not just a big cat but a huge one,
standing 10ft tall on his back legs.
Called a liger, in reference to his crossbreed parentage, he is the largest of all the cat species. On a typical day he will devour 20lb of meat, usually beef or chicken, and is capable of eating 100lb at a single setting. At just three years old, Hercules already weighs half a ton. When he is fully grown he is expected to reach 12ft, and almost 90 stone.
Hercules has the strength of a lion and the speed of a tiger, reaching 50mph. He will also grow a mane like his father, but just a small one, and sports his mother's tiger stripes on his huge body. And when he opens his fearsome mouth he can both roar like a lion and give a purr-like snort like his mother.
Other exotic hybrids include the zeedonk, a cross between a zebra and a donkey; the zorse or zebroid, a zebra/horse cross; and the beefalo, an American bison/ domestic cow cross. Another rare creature is the wolphin, the offspring of a whale and a dolphin (and its not 1st April either).
no idea what this is but it wasted 2-3 minutes
http://www.superbad.comPretty impressive 360 degree photography, you know this kind of thing is going to be the norm
5 years down the line.OneLook's reverse dictionary lets you describe a concept and get back a list of words and phrases related to that concept. Your description can be a few words, a sentence, a question, or even just a single word. Just type it into the box above and hit the "Find words" button. (Keep it short to get the best results.) In most cases you'll get back a list of related terms with the best matches shown first.
22.4.05
Top 100 ladies according to FHM (with links) ...
21.4.05
top 100's ...
according to channel 4 they have completed a number of top 100's which looking at the results makes me wonder who voted for these ...
Top Cartoons (where is Scooby Doo (49th), Flintstones (11th) and Wacky Races (100th))
- The Simpsons
- Tom and Jerry
- South Park
- Toy Story/Toy Story 2
- Family Guy
- Shrek/Shrek 2
- The Lion King
- Spirited Away
- The Incredibles
- Bugs Bunny
Top Albums (where is Automatic for the People (11th), Led Zeppelin IV (17th) and Screamadelica (81st)
- Radiohead - OK Computer
- U2 - The Joshua Tree
- Nirvana - Nevermind
- Michael Jackson - Thriller
- Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon
- Oasis - Definitely Maybe
- Beatles - Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
- Madonna - Like a Prayer
- Guns 'n' Roses - Appetite For Destruction
- Beatles - Revolver
Top Films (agree with these but thought that Taxi Driver and Great Escape would be higher)
- Star Wars (1977), Star Wars Episode V (1980)
- Godfather (1972), The Godfather Part II (1974)
- The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
- Pulp Fiction (1994)
- Some Like It Hot (1959)
- Gladiator (2000)
- It's A Wonderful Life (1946)
- Blade Runner (1982)
- Schindler's List (1993)
- Goodfellas (1990)
Top Comedy Moments (OK with these apart from two glaring omissions Only Fools & Horses where Del Boy falls through the bar and Gerald the Talking Gorilla from Not the Nine O'Clock News)
- Lou and Andy (Swimming Pool) - Little Britain
- Petshop/Dead Parrot - Monty Python's Flying Circus
- Tubbs and Edward (Road Men) - The League of Gentlemen
- Vicky Pollard (Swimming Pool) - Little Britain
- Four Candles - The Two Ronnies
- Going For An English - Goodness Gracious Me
- Acorn Antiques ? Victoria Wood, As Seen On TV
- Breakfast - The Morecambe and Wise Show
- Ted and Ralph (Drinking Game) - The Fast Show
- Good Aids/Bad Aids - Brass Eye
fan club ? ...
all of the above and more papal merchandise avaliable from
http://www.ratzingerfanclub.comAlmost all of
Vatican City's 921 citizens live inside the Vatican's walls. The Vatican citizenry consists mostly of clergy, including high dignitaries, priests, nuns, as well as the
famous Swiss Guard, a volunteer military force. There are also about 3,000 lay workers who comprise the majority of the Vatican work force, but who reside outside the Vatican. The official language is Latin, the otherwise extinct language that originated in Rome and has remained in use in the Roman Catholic Church. Italian and, to a lesser extent, other languages are generally used for most conversations, publications, and broadcasts. Swiss German is the official language of the Swiss Guard.
The eyes of the world turned to
The Sun chimney last night as we revealed our Labour election endorsement. A day after the Vatican signalled the new Pope’s appointment with a plume of white smoke, they erected a giant chimney at their Wapping HQ to announce their own
"historic verdict" to the world.
20.4.05
papal fact of the day ...
in celebration of a new pope a different papal fact every day for the next week or so (or until I get bored)
The Church's 265th pontiff, Ratzinger is the oldest man to be elected pope for three centuries and the first German pontiff for a millennium.
Italian press have dubbed him the "panzer cardinal" and "God's Rottweiler".
Odds on the new Pope favoured Ratzinger but for a long shot you could have backed
Father Dougal MaGuire of Craggy Island, a long shot at 1,000 to 1.
19.4.05
complaint letter ...
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
worth a listen (IMHO) ...
found a few excellent CD's I had not heard before, some new, old and ....
Most fans thought it would never happen, but Guy Evans, David Jackson, Hugh Banton and Peter Hammill have reunited as
Van der Graaf Generator. This is not a nostalgic reunion to relive past glories, however, but a coming together of new experiences and fresh perspectives for the creation of a brand-new studio album, Present. The studio sessions provided 16 new Van der Graaf works spread out over two CDs. One CD consists of rehearsed songs/structured pieces , the second CD features an hour's worth of improvisations.
Wake Up," a track from, Funeral, the debut full-length by Montreal's
Arcade Fire, builds from a midtempo strum into a "You Can't Hurry Love" gallop, which singer Win Butler interrupts with a yell: "You better look out below!" Somehow, none of this hits the ear as over-emotional. Throughout Funeral, the band augments its five-piece line-up with string sections, weaving a near-cinematic, folk-influenced chamber pop that slots in somewhere between Belle and Sebastian's delicacy and the robust classicism of '80s New Zealand bands such as the Chills and the Verlaines. The album drips with enough romanticism to rival Jeff Buckley's Grace, from the dreamscape of "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)" ("Meet me in the middle of the town... forget all we used to know") to the epic realism of "In the Backseat." One of the indie rock community's most beloved finds of 2004, Arcade Fire are poised to win over even more listeners.
Here's what they say about
Jeff Buckley: "He died too young". Here's why they say it: Grace is simply one of the most amazing things you can do with your ears and a little digitally-encoded disc. He inherited the voice of his father, the legendary Tim Buckley--seven octaves, each of them only just enough to cram his big feverish dreams into--but his music was all his own. Think Van Morrison's Astral Weeks on drugs--but then drugs could give some kind of comfort, and there's no comfort in Grace; just constant flux between crippling despair and an almost violent joy. When "Last Goodbye" unfolds it's third different middle-eight of Bollywood strings and Buckley's ecstatic scatting, it's hard to believe an ordinary human could have had a hand in something so extraordinary.
15.4.05
some spurious links ...
Prepare yourselves for...(drum-roll)
Sac-Free Today there is sacfree®, the first boxerslip of the world. sacfree® brings you pleasant liberty and defines your necessity. Briefly: A new dimension of comfort and liberty for your balls. And... sacfree® is sexy. (their words not mine)
couple of games for you to try -
pitstop (my best is 13.004) and
VR Racing (managed to score 105)
amazing diving pictures here
4mins 34 secs of
laughable old music video, can anyone tell me who this is ?
I want, I want ... please? Like to see someone in Reading cut me up
when driving thisYaGoohoo!gle ~ split screen results for your search query.
Linux sex positions - the open source karma sutra with patching the kernel below (click the picture for more)
girls , girls , girls ...
12.4.05
17" monitor black case going f.o.c. ...
Managed to get rid of the monitor that's been taking up room in my garage to Howard at work with the following funny e-mail reply from him
Ah, I only wish you had mentioned earlier the monitor was black. I have nothing against black monitors some of my best monitors are black. It's just that well, I'm am running a computer room and I have to consider the other monitors as well and their reaction to a black monitor. I know the colour of the monitor doesn't effect performance and that extra thicker and longer VGA cable will come in handy, it's just that I have to consider the other monitors.
Look, I'm not being funny and don't take this the wrong way but do you have anyone else who wants a black monitor. ????
No, ok I'll take the monitor but only on a three month trial. If it anything goes wrong and it's not fitting in with the rest of the monitors you've got to take it back
1.4.05
Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time ...
saw a couple this morning thanks to
Marc which I have listed below, also visit
www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/ for their list of the top 100 april fools.
Ones pointed out to me
Atlantic Tunnel
USB desktop fondue set
ICopulate
Webnose
