... you lucky people, nothing from me for two weeks as on holiday :)

Check out this awesome QT movie called Balancing Point

The USA is now ranked higher than England, Spain, France and Germany in the official FIFA ratings. The Yanks are 6th, France are seventh, we're eighth. HOW?? Their typical opponent is Honduras (ten chicken farmers and a postman) ours is Germany (combined squad value roughly £250milion)... that's how.

more here

Doom 3 trailer, ok storyline will be poor but effects look awesome

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now.
But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

......................................................

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language). After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

.......................................................

Finally three short clips, glacier makes one hell of a splash , severe motion sickness and ouch that's got to hurt

some news stories that made me smile ...

A flock of man-hating seagulls which dive-bombs male posties has forced Royal Mail bosses to use female staff on the delivery route ...more here

A group of grannies have appeared in court charged with criminal trespass after attempting to sign up for military service in Iraq ... more here

An Italian couple stole 50,000 euros from a woman in the Sicilian city of Palermo after convincing her they were vampires who would impregnate her with the son of the Anti-Christ if she did not pay them ... more here

Some 80 Santas from around the globe meeting at their World Congress debated establishing a second Christmas in July to ease their December workload, but finally decided that the holiday would be feted only once a year, the Danish Santa host says.
"There was a proposal from the Japanese Santa Claus that was hotly debated, but the delegates, even if they were in favour of the idea, did not want to adopt it because it risks upsetting the children of the world," Denmark's Father Christmas told AFP ... more here

The Queen has reportedly ordered a DVD box set of the latest Dr Who series for her summer hols. She has become a huge fan of the BBC show starring Christopher Ecclestone ... more here

A German magazine sold out in a day after offering readers vouchers for a free sex session at a brothel in Austria. Readers of the Freizeit Magazine said they were shocked when they opened the mag to find a full page advert for a brothel in Salzburg. Prostitution is legal in both countries and the ad promised "half an hour free sex with a lady of your choice" for anyone who cut out the coupon and brought it with them on their next visit ... more here

The Queue: Artist Kallus has created 180 (and counting) "Spores." They're waiting, though for what, we're not sure.

So hackers got in to BF2 [Battlefield 2] servers and unlocked ALL weapons for certain serial keys after repeatedly telling EA that their servers have many many holes. Looks like they didn't listen - but this is one way to get their attention.

from the forum: "Well, what a wonderful few days it has been. Since EA didn't take the time to respond (or maybe even read) our emails about various stats-server security holes, it clearly showed us how much they care. Therefore, we came to the conclusion that modifying 5 million accounts wouldn't be that big of a deal."
"That being said, accounts with ids from 40,000,000 to 45,000,000 now have all of their weapons unlocked."
"What will be next week? Perhaps we'll give everyone their Distinguished Service Medal, or maybe we'll elevate everyone to the rank of Sergeant Major."
"The ball's in your court, EA. Time's up at the buzzer, how well will you play?"

more here ...

Drinks companies have been ordered to use uglier men in their advertising campaigns. The Advertising Standards Authority believes "balding" and "paunchy" men would be less likely to encourage women to drink to achieve social success. The new advertising code stresses that links must not be made between alcohol and seduction.
A campaign for popular sparkling drink Lambrini has become the first to fall foul of the new rules. The Authority objected to a poster which showed three women "hooking" a slim, young man in a parody of a fairground game. The industry regulator instructed the firm: "We would advise that the man in the picture should be unattractive - ie overweight, middle-aged, balding etc.
"In its current form we consider that the ad is in danger of implying that the drink may bring sexual/social success, because the man in question looks quite attractive and desirable to the girls. "If the man was clearly unattractive, we think that this implication would be removed from the ad."
Lambrini owner John Halewood said the Authority should not be in the business of defining who was and was not unattractive enough to star in ads. He said: "It makes some very understandable rulings to encourage sensible drinking but we're not sure they're qualified to decide for the nation who's sexy and who's not.
"Sexual attraction is happily one of the few things in life that can't be governed."
Links
http://tvnz.co.nz , Times Online

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

supplied by elisha at work

The story goes something like this: Some kid is trolling a forum talking about how he's got an XBox 360. Everybody calls him names (of course), so he shuts them down by posting pictures of himself with the console, not to mention pictures of his step-dad's business card showing he works for Microsoft. Except kids don't know about NDA's, and now everybody involved is totally screwed.

click on picture for video

For those of you who don't have kids or are far too young to remember the splendid children's TV programme "Rainbow", this may be a little lost on you......innuendo all the way....

The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana...
Zippy: " One skin, two skin, three skin, four "
George: " Zippy, where is Bungle?"
Zippy: " I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"
We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from Behind it.
Bungle: " Geoffrey, I can't get it in"
Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"
Bungle: "I know, let's try it round the other way. Ooooooh, I've got it in"
Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit
Bungle: " Would you stick this on the shelf, George"
George: " I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself,
Geoffrey (to camera) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"
Bungle: " Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"
Geoffrey:" Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?"
George:" Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?
Bungle: " Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."
Geoffrey (to camera) Have you seen Bungles twanger?
Zippy:" Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."
Bungle: " It's my plucking instrument."
Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle
Zippy:" I can, I'm the best plucker here."
George;" And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?
Zippy:" Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."
Geoffrey;" Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."
Bungle (excited) " Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Roger can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."
Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter.
Freddy:" We could hear you all banging away"
Rod: "Banging can be fun."
Jane:" Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Freddy."
Freddy (looking sad) " Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."
Rod (to Jane) " Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"
Jane: " Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you like to play with my maracas?
Zippy; " No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."
George:"Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is."
Zippy;" I've got a big red one."
George: " I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it."
Geoffrey (to viewers) " Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking song."
Everyone in studio: " Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all day."

full video here

The UK's ISP trade group has contacted Bulldog over an increased number of complaints about its broadband service, The Register has learned. ISPA contacted Bulldog - the local loop unbundling (LLU) operator owned by telecoms giant Cable & Wireless - a couple of weeks ago to discuss a spike in complaints it had received.
The trade body is due to discuss the issue at an industry meeting today. It expects to contact the broadband provider again shortly concerning the complaints. It is understood ISPA intends to escalate its concerns to senior management at Bulldog.
Last week Bulldog was ticked off by the advertising authority for running misleading radio commercials. More here and here

first off check this movie clip, from what I can see Russian Scouts / Guides convention and as part of this they release a white dove, think the kids may have been a little nervous and gripped too hard .... you can guess what happened next

and for number 2 this got a bit of a chortle around the office, mostly from the married men obviously ...

Programme of events [Sneak preview]

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a person of the city (preferably from Tower Hamlets), wearing the traditional hoody. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'London' athletes.

100 METRE SPRINT - Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.

100 METRE HURDLES - As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)

HAMMER - Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING - A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk , bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.

BOXING - Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS - Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT - As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, snorting a line, joy riding and arson.

THE MARATHON - A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING - Competitors will be thrown off the bridge into The Thames. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals

MEN'S 50KM WALK - Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include: -
Formation rave dancing by members of the Peckham Health-in-the-Community anti-drug campaigners.
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.

The human brain anticipates unimportant sensations, such as your own touch, so it can focus on important input like, say, a tarantula crawling up your neck. The results might explain why it's hard to tickle yourself, scientists said today.
The information we get from our senses is always a little out of date, because it takes time for the electrical signals to travel from the finger, ear or eye to the brain.
"Although this delay is only a fraction of a second, that is long enough to make impossible anything that involves accurate control over our bodies or moving objects," such as catching a ball," Bays told LiveScience. "By combining what our senses are telling us with a prediction of what we expect to be happening we can get an accurate picture of the current state of our bodies and the outside world."
The study is detailed in a recent issue of the journal Current Biology.
full story here

Adults have long compiled lists of things to achieve before they die - but now youngsters are being encouraged to tick off their own "must do" list.
Making a mud pie and organising a teddy bears' picnic are two of the activities kids should apparently indulge in before their 10th birthday.
The list for under-10s has been published to boost development and encourage children to spend more time playing outdoors.
Up to 1,000 adults were polled for the list which forms part of Persil's Dirt Is Good campaign to encourage children to exercise.

The 33 things to do by age 10 with the ones completed by Rachel marked:

1. Roll on your side down a grassy bank.
2. Make a mud pie - Done
3. Make your own modelling dough mixture
4. Collect frogspawn
5. Make perfume from flower petals - Done
6. Grow cress on a windowsill
7. Make a papier-mache mask - Done
8. Build a sandcastle - Done
9. Climb a tree
10. Make a den in the garden
11. Make a painting using your hand and feet - Done
12. Organise your own teddy bears' picnic
13. Have your face painted - Done
14. Bury a friend in the sand
15. Make some bread
16. Make snow angels
17. Create a clay sculpture - Done
18. Take part in a scavenger hunt
19. Camp out in the garden
20. Bake a cake - Done
21. Feed a farm animal - Done
22. Pick some strawberries
23. Play Pooh sticks
24. Recognise five different bird species
25. Find some worms
26. Ride a bike through a muddy puddle
27. Make and fly a kite
28. Plant a tree
29. Build a nest out of grass and twigs
30. Find 10 different leaves in the park
31. Grow vegetables
32. Make breakfast in bed for your parents - Done
33. Make a mini assault course in your garden

Letter to terroists ...
What the fuck do you think you're doing? This is London. We've dealt with your sort before. You don't try and pull this on us.
Do you have any idea how many times our city has been attacked? Whatever you're trying to do, it's not going to work.
All you've done is end some of our lives, and ruin some more. How is that going to help you? You don't get rewarded for this kind of crap.
And if, as your MO indicates, you're an al-Qaeda group, then you're out of your tiny minds.
Because if this is a message to Tony Blair, we've got news for you. We don't much like our government ourselves, or what they do in our name. But, listen very clearly. We'll deal with that ourselves. We're London, and we've got our own way of doing things, and it doesn't involve tossing bombs around where innocent people are going about their lives.
And that's because we're better than you. Everyone is better than you. Our city works. We rather like it. And we're going to go about our lives. We're going to take care of the lives you ruined. And then we're going to work. And we're going down the pub.
So you can pack up your bombs, put them in your arseholes, and get the fuck out of our city.

Couldn't have put this better myself

Athletes competing in an international triathlon are to be insured for up to £1m in case they fall prey to the Loch Ness monster. An insurance company is providing the cover for more than 100 people who are taking part in the Visit Scotland Adventure Triathlon being staged at Loch Ness later this month.
Teams from the UK, France, South Africa, Italy and Germany are required to swim two laps of the notorious Urquhart Bay in Loch Ness - the scene of many of the most famous sightings of Nessie.
They are now being protected by insurance company NIG in case the legendary beast makes an appearance and eats a competitor.

full story:
Highland International
Guardian

In further news: A teenage sleepwalker was rescued after being found fast asleep 40 metres up on the arm of a crane, police said on Wednesday. Emergency services were called to a building site in London after a passer-by spotted the 15-year-old girl curled up on top of a concrete counterweight high above the ground.
The teenager, who has not been named, had climbed up the crane and walked across a narrow metal beam while fast asleep during the incident, which happened on June 25.
It is believed the teenager had walked out unnoticed from her home near the site in Dulwich, southeast London.
She was brought down in a hydraulic lift after a two-hour rescue operation.
"Police and London Fire Brigade attended and the woman was brought down from the crane at around 4:00 a.m. and taken to hospital for precautionary checks," a police spokeswoman said. The girl was unharmed and later went home.

Get your girlie on your car to really show off http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/heysucker.html

Beloved pet fun http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/fu/oa/hamster1.mpg

Old but one of the funniest clips I have seen: news report

Tiger keepie-uppie and done in one take as well http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/fu/oa/tiger.wmv