Automated phone systems! Total crap! I hate that message "your call is important to us". Oh, really. Then why isn't somebody available to take my fecking call!?

Science paper answers

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
10. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
11. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
12. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
13. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the heart until the heart stops.
14. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
15. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
16. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends to go towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
17. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

The world's most hapless driver faces the loss of his licence and a huge fine after being flashed by the same speed camera four times in the space of one minute and 37 seconds.

A guy was working in his garden over the weekend and looking around, he realised that he couldn't find the rake. He looked up at the bedroom window and saw his wife was about to take a shower.

He yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?!!" She couldn't hear him, so she shouted back, "What?!!" He pointed to his eye, then to his knee and made a raking motion. When his wife wasn't sure, she called out "WHAT???!!!" He repeated the gestures, "Eye - Kneed - the Rake"
His wife signalled with a thumbs-up that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, then to her left breast, then she pointed to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that???" She replied, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - the Bush"!!!

Following in the Elven footsteps of Google Earth, "the globe that fits inside your PC", comes Google Middle Earth, the new lord of the satellite imagery-based mapping products. Google Middle Earth is a free, full-featured download that lets you explore the topographical majesty of the lands of Gondor, Rohan, and Mordor. Google Middle Earth's impressive geographic mapping software is definitely the one product to rule them all.

How to describe this one .... subserviant chat cutie? Meet Elita from Multipoker. This one is actually kind of fun because she types back.

Full list of commands:
Can you dance?
Strip
Put them on the glass
Get wet
Drink some coffee
Get to work
Let me see your thong
Relax baby
Do you have a dildo
I want to see your pussy
Strike a pose
I want your picture
Show me a smile
See your breasts
Any boyfriend
Talk to me goose
You are hot
Kiss me
Squirt me some
Harry Potter

Jenny McCarthy Photographing Jennifer Madden also enjoyed a lovely lady called Keeley Hazell(NSFW)

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and KFC?
A: By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose ?
A. Darling

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q: What do a dildo and soybeans have in common?
A: They're both used as a meat substitute.

Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!

You don’t have to be an ornithologist to appreciate the ungimmicky bird songs and movements of the motion-activated Singing Birds. Based on hand-sculpted models by Dr. Tsutomu Suzuki of the University of Tokyo, these freestanding birds are made even more realistic with modern microchip technology, which produces true-to-life sound and twitching in response to motion and changes in light conditions.

for a bathing experience that's certified kosher, look no further. star of david brand lemon eucalyptus kosher soap is made from natural lemon oils and eucalyptus extract, and comes in a generous 9-ounce bar. star of david brand soaps are not tested on animals and of course 100% certified kosher.

If you haven't got anything good to say, come and sit next to me. The conversation cushion is filled with 100 questions, sneakily pick one of the question ribbons from the small rips in the front of the cushion and give a tiring conversation a fresh boost. Designed by Barnaby Barford & Andre Klauser. 20 x 40cm

A horrific plane crash leaves 48 passengers alive, and stranded on a remote island in the South Pacific. The survivors include doctor Jack, now freed prisoner Kate, one hit wonder rock star Charlie, Iraqi military vet Sayid, and a mysterious man named Locke. For a while their goal is simple survival, but they soon realize that it was far more than mere chance that brought them together, and each of them has a purpose that will help them unlock the island's secrets.

Rarely was the phrase, “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts,” more fitting than for this new collection. In the most unique way, and when the collection’s four lounge chairs and coffee table are stacked, they create a remarkable tower of art.

Cartoon portraits or "icons" are a unique, fun, and eye-catching way of adding a personal touch to your online identity, without compromising your privacy. They can be used as buddy icons in instant messenger programs, or as user icons for computers with multiple users. Add one to your email signature, forum avatar, or weblog. They never fail to grab attention.

rnd_time is a fascinating wall clock from the minds of progetti srl, italy. the most unusual feature of this clock lies in its entirely random application to the wall, hence the name "rnd_time", where "rnd" is used to indicate the random factor. each cube is made in nylon plastic, one cube for each hour, another to house the clock hands and battery. all the elements attach to the wall using screws and wall plugs provided, according to your own design sensibilities. rnd_time is available as black cubes with white numbers and visa versa. quartz movement.

cleverly designed by eric janssen, these colorful devices clip to the stems and rims of glasses so everyone can keep track of which glass belongs to whom. janssen displays a no-nonsense approach to form, often derived from simplified geometry or a particular method of production. his keen interest in materials, emphasis on product functionality, and subtle sense of humor also factor largely in his work. stemmarkers are made of non-toxic EVA foam, the set of ten disks comes stacked on a spool for convenient storage. each disk approximately 1" in diameter.

On an August morning in 1978, French filmmaker Claude Lelouch mounted a gyro-stabilized camera to the bumper of a Ferrari 275 GTB and had a friend, a professional Formula 1 racer, drive him at breakneck speed through the heart of Paris. The film was limited for technical reasons to 10 minutes; the course was from Porte Dauphine, through the Louvre, to the Basilica of Sacre Coeur.
No streets were closed, for Lelouch was unable to obtain a permit.
The driver completed the course in about 9 minutes, reaching nearly 140 MPH in some stretches. The footage reveals him running real red lights, nearly hitting real pedestrians, and driving the wrong way up real one-way streets.
Upon showing the film in public for the first time, Lelouch was arrested. He has never revealed the identity of the driver, and the film went underground until a DVD release a few years ago.

At the conclusion of the Oct. 19 episode of "Lost," a sonorous male voice narrated a preview of the next original installment of the popular ABC series. "Every season, there's one episode people will be talking about all year long," he intoned. "This is it." Over spliced images of various cast members in peril - Sawyer collapsed, Shannon screamed, Ana-Lucia pointed a gun - the narrator made a promise. "Three weeks from tonight, one of these survivors will be lost. Forever."
Here we are three weeks later ....

In an effort to stop spoilers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, two executive producers of "Lost," said they have no idea how the purveyors of spoilers get information about their series. They have put in place a numerical coding system to keep track of scripts, but it doesn't seem to fix the problem. At the end of last season, when the writers were determined to keep a kidnapping in the finale a secret, they were driven to extremes. Internally, the scene was referred to only by a prosaic nickname: "the bagel." And only the actors in that particular scene received script pages.

A man went to the zoo.
When he got there he found it had only one animal - a dog.
It was a Shitzu.

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A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I think you're the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy shit," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

some films due out shortly:

King Kong : Official site / Trailer site / Look inside

Chronicles of Narnia : Official Site / Trailer
Ice Age 2 : Official Site / Trailer

The Da Vinci Code : Official Site / Trailer