and they are clean :)

A Bear , a Lion and a Chicken meet.
Bear says "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest shivers in fear"
Lion says "If I roar in the desert the entire desert trembles in fear"
"Big deal" says the chicken, "I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself"

------------------------

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the golf course and I was at the beginning of my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Ignoring it didn't work; a moment later, again came the announcement: "Would the gentleman on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating. The third time, the man was practically yelling: "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee!!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back, "Would the idiot in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?!"

Pull a favorite book from your library shelf and watch a cabinet section recess to reveal a hidden passageway. Twist a candlestick and your fireplace rotates, granting access to a hidden room. Custom designed switches allow you to activate your automated feature any way you wish. Prefabricated kits available for the do it yourselfer. Link

Reading 19 points from 10 games To guarantee championship
To guarantee automatic promotion 14 points from 10 games
To guarantee a play-off spot 1 point from 10 games

Which Horrible Affliction are you?
A Rum and Monkey disease.

If the lack of mobility in a sleeping bag has ever been a concern for you, you’ll want to check out this Selk’Bag concept, designed by Musuc. Essentially a sleeping bag that you wear like a body suit, the Selk’Bag could change the way people camp in the cold. Doesn’t getting up in the morning to gather wood for a fire look a little less painful in this thing? (No word on if and when it might be going into production).
Not sure that this thing is being sold anywhere, nor was I able to find a price. At the moment, it’s just a concept, though there seems to have been at least a prototype built. The Selk’Bag, from company Musuc is pretty much a sleeping bag that you wear. Get inside, zip up and go out in the cold wilderness. Getting a little sleepy? Plop down on the snow and, eh, sleep.

Human Upgrades was founded in 2001 by Doc. FoVU. Petr Skala CSc. and his team from Institute of DNA Modification in Brno in Czech Republic. Since the contactsaround the world and first class experiences of the team Human Upgrades was able to offer unprecedented portfolio of surgeries based on the newest discoveries in the field of DNA manipulation. Blah Blah Blah ...

Shop this site for some nifty upgrades to the human body. (Some NSFW content)

Yes, it's that time of the year again my friends, the #1 selling Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition is now on-line. Gone are the days when you had to sneak the magazine into the bathroom ... here's to you, Mr. Al Gore, for inventing the "interweb".
While most guys just hitting puberty (or with a premature ejaculation disorder) won't last past the cover, make sure you check out Rachel Hunter

... At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point Hair Dryer At Passing cars. See If They Slow Down.

Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They want Fries with that.

Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favours"

Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

Don't use any punctuation

As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

Sing Along At The Opera.

Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds all day.

Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To have To Let One Of You Go."

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes ever

"Two heavyweights slugging it out," was Steve Coppell's verdict of the dramatic 1-1 draw at Sheffield United. "Both teams at times looked good going forward and looked vulnerable defensively. At the end, I suppose a draw was a fair result.
"I don't think it was 100% pleasing on the eye and I know both teams have played better, but when you're confronted with a forceful side who stop you from playing, you can appreciate the power of both sides.
"I said beforehand, psychologically it was important for both teams to try to win. But with us being the away side, the outcome is in our favour I suppose.
"They were on the front foot in the second half and we were massive defensively, but wth the penalty it makes you think. If we had scored though, we would have felt that we'd nicked the result."

Music video of Gorillaz and Madonna from their live performance at the Grammy Awards. Gorillaz played "Feel Good Inc" which morphed into the Madonna song, "Hung Up".

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'c***'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on he other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. lan J., London

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. Stan

If you're feeling brave, the second beta of Internet Explorer 7 has been made available to the public by Microsoft. It's a vast improvement upon IE6, for those of you still using it, but it's a beta, so proceed with caution.

I had no idea CG had come this far when it comes to simulating water. Check out both of the movies, the first is full of scary sharks, and the second is more of a demonstration of the technology.

Dennis Nelems, 65, of Cleveleys, near Blackpool, spent £30,000 and six years to turn his Lancashire retirement flat into a copy of French King Louis XIV's Palace of Versailles.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order : "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

...Now you know everything

1. "I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
2. "I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
3. "How about never? Is never good for you?"
4. "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
5. "I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way."
6. "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."
7. "I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
8. "I don't work here. I'm a consultant."
9. "It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying."
10. "Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again."
11. "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid."
12. "You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."
13. "I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn."
14. "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."
15. "I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
16. "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
17. "The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
18. "Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
19. "What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"
20. "I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."
21. "It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off."
22. "Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
23. "And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"
24. "Do I look like a people person?"
25. "This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."
26. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left."
27. "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
28. "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
29. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."
30. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
31. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
32. "A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
33. "Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?"
34. "Too many freaks, not enough circuses."
35. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"
36. "Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done."
37. "How do I set a laser printer to stun?"
38. "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary."
39. "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
40. "Oh I get it... like humour... but different!"