Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.
And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.
After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.
Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...
And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.
Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.
And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.
So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

Tips To Improve Your Posts

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

It's been a while since I've seen something that elicited an honest-to-goodness WTmotherF? Your guess is as good as ours here. How long were you able to watch?

New Rule: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You're not the chief communications officer of the Starship Enterprise. You're a shoe salesman asking your mum if you can bring over your laundry. If I wanted to overhear every tedious scrap of brain static rattling around in your head, I'd read your blog.

New Rule: Lotto winners must stop saying they're not sure if they're going to quit their jobs. Of course you're going to quit your job. And I have news for you. Your co-workers want you to quit your job. Nobody wants to be on the pork-processing line next to the unbearable ass in the Gucci smock.

New Rule: If your people are so desperate mannequins make them horny, there's something wrong with your religion. This week, police in Iran confiscated 65 mannequins for being too sexy. Guys, I'm sorry, but it's the mannequins that are supposed to have the sticks up their asses. In the free West, we don't have impure thoughts about inert hunks of tit-shaped plastic. We have Britney Spears.

New Rule: Words printed on a coffee cup will not turn you gay. A Baylor University dining contractor has banned Starbucks cups that have a quote from a gay author. Listen, breeders, you can't get AIDS from a Styrofoam container. And besides, if you're holding a double half-caf, vanilla mocha latte, extra foam sprinkled with nutmeg, you're already gay!

New Rule: If your razor has five blades, it's not a razor, it's a weed-whacker. With the new Gillette Fusion razor, the first blade lifts the stubble; the second severs the hair follicle; the third slices your skin; the fourth scrapes bone marrow; and the fifth was used by O.J. Simpson to kill his wife, and he wants it back.

New Rule: The fortunes in fortune cookies have to be fortunes. "You surround yourself with good friends" is not a prediction. It's a compliment. Quit kissing my ass, cookie! If I'm going to sit through a plate of MSG-laden, twice-cooked kitty-cat, I want a real fortune like, "That meal you just ate is dog."

New Rule: There aren't "101 Sex Tricks." In fact, ladies, there is only one. It's called the blowjob. Do it 101 times.

And finally, New Rule: When a woman over 60 has a baby, it's not a miracle from God. It's a miracle from genetic engineers, fertility experts and the good people at Merck. Here in California last week, a 62-year-old woman with 11 children, 20 grandchildren and three great grandchildren, gave birth again. To a 40-year-old man who walked out. At an age when most women are content to putter around the garden or perform the opening number at the Grammys -- Janise Wulf, age 62, told the press at a news conference, "Age is a number. Every time you revolutionize something, there's going to be naysayers." To which the reporters replied, "We're over here!" And, lady, let me tell you something. You're not a revolutionary. You're a vagina with no off switch. Twelve kids? Let me guess. You're either a Catholic or a hamster. Look, I don't want to be the one to say that this lady is too old and she's already had enough children. But, this lady is too old and she's already had enough children! Hey, when you're 62 and you want children, you have two choices: a) in vitro fertilization, or b) luring them into a house made out of candy. But, in vitro fertilization is not for 62-year-old grandmothers. It's for 35-year-old lesbians.

Palace's win makes our promotion bid clearer

Leeds' defeat at home to Crystal Palace last night means that Reading now know all the possible permutations for promotion this weekend.
Three points in our game at Leicester on Saturday would mathematically guarantee promotion for Steve Coppell's men, and this was always the case regardless of the result at Elland Road. Reading can also take the title this weekend, but they must win and then rely on Sheffield United losing.
The Royals can also be promoted if they draw or lose at Walkers Stadium, but there are many different results that are required. Please read below for all the possible permutations.
All three of our promotion rivals are at home this weekend - Sheffield United take on Southampton, while Watford play Millwall and Leeds face Stoke.

The permutations in full:

If Reading win then Watford and Leeds cannot catch us and we will be promoted.
If Reading win and Sheffield United lose then Reading will be champions.
If Reading win and Sheffield United draw then Reading would be 18 points clear with only 18 more available. The Royals would also have a goal difference of at least 33 better than the Blades, but even so we would not be mathematically champions.
If Watford win, we have to win in order to go up. A draw for Reading would not be enough.
If Reading draw, we need Watford and either Leeds or Sheffield United to drop points. This is because Leeds face Sheffield United later in the season, so they could not both win all their remaining games.
Reading cannot draw and take the title.
If Reading lose, we require Watford to lose and in addition Sheffield United must lose or Leeds draw or lose.

c'mon URzzzzzzzz

A man & a women go to a country pub for a nice, evening meal one Saturday night. Thay get put on a table next to a drunk.
Throughout the evening, the woman keeps looking over to the drunk, so her man says, 'I've noticed you've been staring at him all night, what's wrong?'
'Nothing,' she replies, 'I left him at that table 6 years ago when i divorced him'
'That's incredible' says the man
'What? The fact he's in the same place as he was 6 years ago?' she asks.
'No,' he says, 'I didn't know anyone could celebrate for that long'
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After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''
The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''
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I went into a petshop today and asked how much do you sell bee's for?
The lady replys: sorry but we dont sell bee's.
So I replyed: When I walked past the other day there was two in the window then!!
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A man is in need of a job and walks into a blacksmith's, he says to the blacksmith "can i get a job please ?". The blacksmith says do you have any experience? have you ever shoed a horse for instance ?
"No" the man replies "but i told a donkey to fuck off once."

A win at Leicester on Saturday would mathematically guarantee the Royals promotion into the Premiership. The game is completely sold out for Reading fans.
Steve Coppell's men are currently 16 points clear of Sheffield United and 20 ahead of Leeds. Sheffield United face Leeds on 17th April, meaning that it is not possible for both those teams to win every one of their remaining games.
If Reading win on Saturday, they would reach 94 points. Assuming they win their games this weekend, Sheffield United can get a maximum of 96 points, while Leeds' maximum is 95. However they cannot both reach these maximums, due to their game against each other, meaning that Reading would be guaranteed to finish above at least one of these teams.A win on Saturday would guarantee Watford cannot catch us - their maximum haul is 93.
A point or even a defeat at the Walker's Stadium could even be enough, and it is also possible Reading could win the title if results go their way. The draw/defeat scenarios will become clearer after this week's games - Watford are away to Southampton on Monday night, and Leeds host Crystal Palace on Tuesday evening. On Saturday, Leeds are at home to Stoke, and Watford play Millwall at Vicarage Road. Bramall Lane sees Sheffield United take on Southampton.

Desktop Earth is a wallpaper generator for Windows. It runs whenever you're logged on and updates your wallpaper with an accurate representation of the Earth as it would be seen from space at that precise moment.

The Calvin and Hobbes Searchable Database Just type in a search and hundreds of their toons come up

When it comes to alarm clocks, their job is to get you out of bed. Here are 10 alarm clocks that get you out of bed in a very annoying fashion.
My favourites has to be Clocky. For those of you who are not familiar with Clocky, it is an alarm clock for people who have trouble getting out of bed. If you hit the snooze button, Clocky will roll off of the nightstand, fall to the floor, and run around the room, searching for a place to hide. Making you get your butt out of bed to find it and turn it off. Sounds like the most annoying alarm clock in the world? Maybe. But will it do it the job? You bet.

Scientists have produced superheated gas exceeding temperatures of 2 billion degrees Kelvin, or 3.6 billion degrees Fahrenheit. This is hotter than the interior of our Sun, which is about 15 million degrees Kelvin, and also hotter than any previous temperature ever achieved on Earth, they say.
They don't know how they did it.
The feat was accomplished in the Z machine at Sandia National Laboratories.
"At first, we were disbelieving," said project leader Chris Deeney. "We repeated the experiment many times to make sure we had a true result."
Thermonuclear explosions are estimated to reach only tens to hundreds of millions of degrees Kelvin; other nuclear fusion experiments have achieved temperatures of about 500 million degrees Kelvin, said a spokesperson at the lab. The achievement was detailed in the Feb. 24 issue of the journal Physical Review Letters.
The Z machine is the largest X-ray generator in the world. It’s designed to test materials under extreme temperatures and pressures. It works by releasing 20 million amps of electricity into a vertical array of very fine tungsten wires. The wires dissolve into a cloud of charged particles, a superheated gas called plasma.
A very strong magnetic field compresses the plasma into the thickness of a pencil lead. This causes the plasma to release energy in the form of X-rays, but the X-rays are usually only several million degrees.
Sandia researchers still aren’t sure how the machine achieved the new record. Part of it is probably due to the replacement of the tungsten steel wires with slightly thicker steel wires, which allow the plasma ions to travel faster and thus achieve higher temperatures. live science link

The dog's diary:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home, Mom! My favorite!
7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home, Dad! My favorite!
8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!


The cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity . . .
My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return, he is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in a metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait; it's only a matter of time.

1. Viagra
Men being treated for erectile dysfunction should salute the working stiffs of Merthyr Tydfil, the Welsh hamlet where, in 1992 trials, the gravity-defying side effects of a new angina drug first popped up. Previously, the blue-collar town was known for producing a different kind of iron.
2. LSD
Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann took the world's first acid hit in 1943, when he touched a smidge of lysergic acid diethylamide, a chemical he had researched for inducing childbirth. He later tried a bigger dose and made another discovery: the bad trip.
3. X-rays
Several 19th-century scientists toyed with the penetrating rays emitted when electrons strike a metal target. But the x-ray wasn't discovered until 1895, when German egghead Wilhelm Röntgen tried sticking various objects in front of the radiation - and saw the bones of his hand projected on a wall.
4. Penicillin
Scottish scientist Alexander Fleming was researching the flu in 1928 when he noticed that a blue-green mold had infected one of his petri dishes - and killed the staphylococcus bacteria growing in it. All hail sloppy lab work!
5. Artificial sweeteners
Speaking of botched lab jobs, three leading pseudo-sugars reached human lips only because scientists forgot to wash their hands. Cyclamate (1937) and aspartame (1965) are byproducts of medical research, and saccharin (1879) appeared during a project on coal tar derivatives. Yummy.
6. Microwave ovens
Microwave emitters (or magnetrons) powered Allied radar in WWII. The leap from detecting Nazis to nuking nachos came in 1946, after a magnetron melted a candy bar in Raytheon engineer Percy Spencer's pocket.
7. Brandy
Medieval wine merchants used to boil the H20 out of wine so their delicate cargo would keep better and take up less space at sea. Before long, some intrepid soul - our money's on a sailor - decided to bypass the reconstitution stage, and brandy was born. Pass the Courvoisier!
8. Vulcanized rubber
Rubber rots badly and smells worse, unless it's vulcanized. Ancient Mesoamericans had their own version of the process, but Charles Goodyear rediscovered it in 1839 when he unintentionally (well, at least according to most accounts) dropped a rubber-sulfur compound onto a hot stove.
9. Silly Putty
In the early 1940s, General Electric scientist James Wright was working on artificial rubber for the war effort when he mixed boric acid and silicon oil. V-J Day didn't come any sooner, but comic strip image-stretching practically became a national pastime.
10. Potato chips
Chef George Crum concocted the perfect sandwich complement in 1853 when - to spite a customer who complained that his fries were cut too thick - he sliced a potato paper-thin and fried it to a crisp. Needless to say, the diner couldn't eat just one.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."
"Jason is on his skateboard...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

Let's start at the beginning. My preferred medium is clay. My favorite surface is terra sig. It is a smooth white creamy surface that begs to be touched. So of course I wanted my whistles begging to be touched. The last several months have been filled with pitfalls and challenges while I tried to make pussy whistles. link


A trailer for the next X-Men 3 movie has been released. It appears that this movie won't suck, but I've been tricked before :-) link

OK got some sympathy for the re-runs of Lost now ... how do people think they are going to make episodes within a week so it can go out on time? ... it cant happen without making sacrifices to the quality of the show.....
It takes 11 days to film 1 episode, there is no logical way to make it screen without gaps! Unless you want them to stop now - and film the remaining episodes so you can watch the last 12 gap free.... so lets figure out how long we would have to wait :

11 days x 12 episodes left to finish series = 132 days - thats over 18 weeks / well over 4 months - how long it would take to film the WHOLE SERIES before screening it..
we would be waiting 9 months between series!

now which would you prefer?

I've got an idea if you're getting tired of the reruns...
1) stop watching the show
2) so as not to inadvertanly be exposed to information about new episodes, get yourself lost on an unmapped tropical island, and don't come back till about 2015 (just to be sure).
3) upon your return, go to cornershop. buy a weeks supply of cheetos, mars bars, diet coke, and Pro Plus.
4) then go to best buy and get the box set for every season you missed.
5) go home, park your fat ass on the couch, and indulge
6) after your done, pull yourself up from the puddle of p*ss and drool you're sitting in, take a shower, and move on with your life.

... or maybe you could just play a game of monopoly with your kids; or take your wife out to dinner; or ...

Pick a breast size, pick a type of physical activity, and then see in elaborate detail how the naughty bits will look in the following scenarios: No Bra - Normal Bra - Shock Absorber.

Car ice hockey, car ice skating and ski-jumping a snowmobile? Yea, it's the Olympics, Top Gear style.