Text from website - Follow the rabbit tracks. BAM! The tracks suddenly end where the wing prints of an owl start. This picture was taken by a friend of a friend who teaches in Bethel,Alaska. Photo by Susan Barstow.

Embrace: World At Your Feet
The official England World Cup song. Officially rubbish. Well, a bit harsh, but it's no World In Motion. Listen to it on Embrace's website.
Verdict: Was a huge favourite to get to number one, but bookies soon changed their mind once they actually heard it. Should chart in Top 5 easily though, given that you only need to sell about 17 records to get into the charts these days.

Three other songs (well two that are better and 1 complete waste of space) are

1. Hurry Up England - Ex Sham 69 singer Jimmy Pursey is set to record an alternate England World Cup Song. Going head to head with those middling indie warblers Embrace, Pursey is releasing a re-working of the band’s hit ‘Hurry Up Harry’ titled ‘Hurry Up England.’The song was voted for by listeners of Virgin Radio. Breakfast show host Christian O’Connell said: Unlike other football songs, this will truly be a single made by the fans, for the fans." All proceeds from the track will go to the Teenage Cancer Trust

2. Joe Fagin - That's England alright - 'Yeah, we'll play the game, until it's Auf Wiedersehen…' Lyrical genius that puts Embrace to shame. This truly is the song of the people. Uplifting, witty and very, very English. Official site here

3. ShailerRyde Music - "Come on England (Time for Glory)" - something to do with singers I can only presume as the song is crap

To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air.
Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fcuk is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fcuknig right! What good is a cake if you cant eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look" . Of course it is. Why the fcuk would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who
and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film " did you see that? "No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fcuknig floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' . Which is it? If it's new,then there has never been anything b4 it. If its an improvement,then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short" . What the fcuk?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fcuknig does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks,"Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, K**bhead?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears,Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice? ' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fcuking McTosser.

fantastic creative work by students

Les Stewart from Mudjimba, Australia, holds the world’s record of typing all numbers from one to one million in words (not numbers). He began in 1982 and finished with the entry "one million" on November 25, 1998.

Seven manual typewriters, 1000 ink ribbons, 19,890 pages, 16 years and seven months later, he finished with the lines

"nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine.
one million."

When asked why he has undertaken this time consuming and repetitious task, Les says that he has little else to do now that he has been classed as an invalid, and can no longer work. Besides that, Les enjoys typing and used to be a police typing instructor before his sickness which meant his withdrawal from the force. Typing an average three pages a day with one finger since April 1982, Les said his secret was to type for 20 minutes on the hour, every hour

Shortpacked by David Willis

A US marine stationed in France returning to base, is wandering through the train carriages looking for a an empty seat, the only one he finds is occupied by a little French poodle, he approached the woman and asks "Excuse me ma'am, could I please take that seat ?"
The woman replied,
"You Americans are so rude, my little Fifi is sitting there, find another"
The marine wanders the entire length of the train again and can find no empty seats, so he returns to the lady with the dog.
"Excuse me ma'am, I really need to sit down, I've been travelling for 18 hours, I am really tired, I really need to sit down, please can you move your dog and let me take that seat"
This time she replies,
"Not only are you Americans rude, you are so arrogant too, no, my little Fifi needs that seat, go find another"
The marine doe one more circuit of the train in desperation, and finding no other seat returns to the carriage picks the dog up and throws it out of the window.
"You awful terrible man", The woman cries, and to her travelling companions declares "Will no-one defend my honour ?"
An Englishman stands up and addresses the marine, "You Americans are always doing things wrong, you eat with knife and fork in the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road, and now Sir, it appears you have thrown the wrong bitch off the train"

taken yesterday courtesy of Ryans mobile phone

Real ads from Scottish lonely-hearts columns...

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks petite nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box 06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, swearing, Celtic football club and starting fights on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by long-time fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets all slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*****d living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive, willing 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering various animals in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Mayhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm. Box 18/51

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes that the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".

... a true story.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S. Berman

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the three hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The six bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the three bars I left today, as my instructions from the management are to leave three soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy - Relief Maid

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added three little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left three hotel soaps which we are instructed to do by the management. I took the six soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the three complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.
Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty

it gets better ...

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.
If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen - Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another three bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of three bars on the bath-room shelf.
In just five days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps.
If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen - Housekeeper

this had me laughing ...

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave three bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder - Assistant Manager

and this is fantastic ...

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here?!
All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the three Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the three daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen - Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item: I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S.Berman

Maxim magazine celebrated its 100th issue by building a 75-by-110-foot billboard featuring its cover image of Eva Longoria, billed as "TV's Sexiest Earthling." The billboard doesn't tower over a highway, however. It's flat on the ground so that it can be seen from a satellite.

This is Rachel Plefger’s Psy-Shirt. Very clever, indeed - found at MadeinDesign

The UK flag turns 400 years old this week.

James I of England (James VI of Scotland) commissioned it to represent the union between England and Scotland and, though the flag has been through a few minor changes, the red, blue and white stripes have symbolised Britain since 1606.
The flag flies from royal palaces, government buildings and is draped across the shoulders of victorious sportsmen and women. Though for some it has become a symbol of skinheads and the far right.
What does the union jack mean to you? What place do you think the flag has in today's Britain? Are you proud of your national flag? Would you fly a flag or have you ever been stopped from flying one?

IMHO - The union flag has become meaningless in a segmented society that was formerly Great Britain (it even sounds archaic). There isn't a Britain anymore, other than for political purposes. There are four nations who have their own flags and seem to pride those more - and rightly so. I am English and fly the flag of St. George. The Union Flag means nothing to me. Like the UK itself it is running on borrowed time. Long live England!

Part of Jenna Jameson’s success as a universal fantasy object involves her ability to be all things to all people: for some, she’ll always be the sweet-faced naughty girl Jenna of her early career, while others prefer the harder-edged, glam goddess Jenna of “The Masseuse” and “The New Devil in Miss Jones”. Now, masochists with a giantess fetish have one to call their own thanks to this new advertising spot by NYC design studio Tronic, in which a larger-than-life Jenna spills out of a skintight white dress while playing one of the sexiest games of Whack-A-Mole we’ve ever seen. We’re not sure exactly what the ad is supposed to be selling, but Jenna looks mighty good selling it anyway.