Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's soiled panties.
Saint Peter looked with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols"

Reading temporarily went sixth in the Premiership table with their third straight league victory against ten man Fulham. Bolton, who kicked-off later and defeated Arsenal to go back above Reading, visit the Madejski Stadium on Saturday as Reading look to continue their phenomenal season so far. Reading's latest victory saw them draw level on points with Arsenal and stay ahead of both Everton and Liverpool who are immediately below Reading in the table. Happy days.
Fulham were effectively defeated by a single combined incident not long after the quarter of an hour mark. Reading were already building on a very solid start that could have seen an early lead when a Little cross nearly found it's target at the far post. Little was involved again for the decisive moment when his ball to Harper saw a through ball leaving Doyle to run at goal. Pearce, the last defender, ran alongside Doyle but couldn't keep up and ended up swinging his leg through Doyle to conceed an obvious penalty. The referee had no choice but to give a straight red card and give Reading an early advantage. Doyle stepped up, the keeper went the wrong way, and Doyle's low spot-kick was to be the winning goal.
Fulham had a chance to eqaulise when a decent header saw Hahnemann made a good save. Down the other end Reading nearly doubled the lead after an excellent cross caused panic in the defence and the ball was flicked over the bar for a corner. After a lively start from both sides Reading were keen to hold the lead - even more so after Sidwell and Little were both forced to leave the pitch with injuries during the first half. Reading were happy to hold back and hang onto the lead and a few mistimed passes going forward saw us fail to build on the lead. Before the break Hahnemann needed to make a save from a header on-target and Ingimarsson made a perfect tackle as it looked like both sides were playing with ten men. The home side also made a bright start to the second half and had a penalty appeal of their own turned down, before Reading regained their composure to lock Fulham out.
The better chances of the second half then fell to Reading. Substitute Oster, who had replaced Little in the first half, had two chances to seal the win - putting one over the bar from close range after a Seol cross and then narrowly failing to connect with a low cross. Reading were good value for their win despite not making full advantage of the extra man. A tidy enough performance at a very difficult venue to take deserved points that add to an ever growing total.

Labels: Reading

Math Lesson: A new way to multiply

It is amazing what kind kind of brilliant scams people thing of.
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam. A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks.

The name of the company is ‘The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company’.

Reading took all three points this afternoon as they comfortably defeated Charlton 2-0. Seol Ki-Hyeon opened the scoring on 18 minutes, and his header from Nicky Shorey's lovely cross was just one of a number of excellent moves that Reading put together in the opening period. Glen Little and Stephen Hunt went close just before the break, and Reading stayed on top for most of the second half, with the Addicks rarely getting forward. Kevin Doyle had been unable to score from a couple of one-on-ones, but he finally had his goal on 72 minutes when he prodded home from Steve Sidwell's miskick. Overall it was a game in which Reading were rarely tested. Les Reed's bottom-of-the-table team were well beaten by a Royals side that were in the ascendancy over the pitch.

Labels: Reading

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos...... (MIDNIGHT)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".
He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. s**t!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

If you thought "rock, paper, scissors" was a game for kids, think again. The world championships were held last weekend in Toronto and were won by a Briton. Bob Cooper has now joined the elite ranks of the England rugby team, Joe Calzaghe, Beth Tweddle and Scotland's stone-skimming team.

ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper
Earliest forms thought to be in Japan in ancient times
Popular as a child's game and has been used as a means of arbitration among adults
A league exists in the US, called USARPS

So how did he achieve it, last week in Toronto, defeating a field of more than 500 contestants and an American in the final?
"Hard work, training and lots of research into tactics, body language and basic psychology," he says. His sunglasses helped him to the top prize, he believes.
"It's similar to poker when you're out there bluffing, putting out the right or wrong signals. The eyes give away a lot so the shades are a definite benefit."
Bluffing is called "priming" and enables a player to either fake a move or provoke the opponent into a wrong move, he says.
Cooper spent one or two hours each day training for the event, playing friends and colleagues or studying tactics. His passion developed from being a game he played as a child, then as a means to settle arguments, then into a sport.
In how many hobbies do you compete against national champions from Australia, America and Norway? A hobby doesn't involve national pride. "I was representing the UK, I introduced myself as being from the UK and I was proud to do so."
Cooper's victory is captured on YouTube and shouts of "UK, UK" are clearly heard from the audience, which was estimated to be about 300.
So at a time when England's footballers and rugby players are struggling, and the cricket team is facing a daunting task Down Under, could rock, paper, scissors be a source of national pride?
"Hopefully I could get nominated for Sports Personality of the Year, or we could begin a campaign to reopen nominations," says Cooper.

Reading showed great character to come from a goal behind and earn a hard-fought victory over Tottenham this afternoon.

Robbie Keane's penalty gave Spurs the lead, but Nicky Shorey's 25-yarder and a goal from Steve Sidwell put Reading 2-1 up at the interval.

The second half was a cagey affair, and sub Jermain Defoe missed an excellent chance to equalise as he shot wide on the turn.

From the resulting goal kick Spurs were made to pay, as it went long to Kevin Doyle, who turned home well for 3-1.

Both teams then hit the post in the closing stages, and Reading were good value for the win

As of today, we have picked up maximum points against the teams who are currently in the bottom half of the table. If that isn't cause for something more than just blind optimism I don't know what is.
M'boro, Man City, Sheff Utd, West Ham, Spurs. 5 games, 15 points.

Labels: Reading