“Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress,non-addictive, and gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the traditions of the religious or secular practices or traditions of your choice or, if none, without regard to any religious or secular practices or traditions at all. We wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically healthy generally accepted calendar year 2007 with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great.
The foregoing does not imply in any way that America is greater than any other country, that the United States is the only America in the Western Hemisphere, or that the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of cultures who have helped make other countries great is inferior. By accepting these greetings you are accepting the following terms. These greetings are subject to clarification and withdrawal at any time and imply no promise by the wisher to the wishee to implement any of the wishes herein. These greetings are freely transferable on the express condition that there be no alteration of the original greetings.
These greeting are void where prohibited by law and are revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. These greetings have no guarantee or warranty of any kind. These greetings are valid for a period not to exceed one year or until the issuance of subsequent greetings or until clarification or withdrawal of these greetings pursuant to the terms of these greetings, whichever comes first. The sole remedy for any dissatisfaction of the wishee is, after service of written notice on the wisher by the wishee, clarification or withdrawal of these greetings or issuance of new greetings, at the sole discretion of the wisher.”

The Gingerbreadman: Psychopath, sadist, genius, convicted murderer and biscuit is loose in the streets of Reading. It isn't Jack Spratt's case. He and Mary Mary have been reassigned due to falling levels of nursery crime, and The NCD is once more in jeopardy. That is, until a chance encounter during the Armitage Shanks literary awards at the oddly familiar Deja-Vu Club lead Jack and Mary on the hunt for missing journalist Henrietta 'Goldilocks' Hatchett, star reporter for The Daily Mole. She had been about to break a story involving unexplained explosions in Herefordshire, Pasadena and the Nullabor Plain; The last witnesses to see her alive were The Three Bears, comfortably living out a life of rural solitude in Andersen's wood.
But all is not what it seems. How could the bear's porridge be at such disparate temperatures when they were poured at the same time? Was Goldy's death in the nearby 1st World War themepark of Sommeworld a freak accident? And is it merely chance that the Gingerbreadman pops up at awkward moments?
This is the second volume in Jasper Fforde's series about Jack Spratt of the Nursery Crimes Division of the Reading police force. Spratt's triumph in the Humpty Dumpt affair ('The big Over Easy')has been overshadowed by some subsequent failures (Red Riding Hood and her Granny swallowed by the Big Bad Wolf). Now the Gingerbreadman, a psychotic killer, has escaped from jail, an investigative reporter called Goldilocks has been murdered, and there are sinister things happening in the world of competitive cucumber growing.
Inspector Jack Spratt also has other things to worry about, like revealing to his wife the awkward fact that he is a PDR (person of dubious reality), his daughter Pandora's upcoming wedding to the titan Prometheus, the trouble with the new neighbours, Punch and Judy, and their unending cycle of domestic violence, and of course there is the profound question to be debated of whether the Gingerbreadman is a cake or a buiscuit (this is more important than it might seem).
I found myself laughing at this book more than any of the previous Jasper Ffordes, the characters are amusing and interesting (especially Ashley the alien policeman, and his famly who strive not very succesfully to live like humans). The plot is ingenious as always, and there is a very exciting climax. Very enjoyable.

A specialist marksman will carry out a "humane cull" of pigeons in the Memorial Gardens, Kingston's Town Centre Management announced this week.

Now in itself not much of a story but the comments are hilarious: (not sure how long they will be up so have copied some):

Posted by: Stephanie Baxendale on 8:03pm Wed 29 Nov 06
Why not just round these flying rats up in a big net? Surely the council could find some practical use, for example setting up a tasty pigeon pie stall in the centre of town. I for one would be grateful to see these horrific beasts removed from the Royal borough altogether! They are a nuisance, and also the flying wizards of Satan. There, I've said it.

Posted by: Mr Dallinger on 9:57pm Wed 29 Nov 06
I think the correct solution would be to hack the wings off as many pigeons as possible before joining them together to create one large wing. This could be wafted at the pigeons by any member of the townsfolk when numbers got too high. Children could also shelter under it at times of heavy rain or possibly loud thunder.

Posted by: Norman Ski on 10:13pm Wed 29 Nov 06
This is preposterous! Pigeons performed a vital role in assisting communications in both World Wars and should therefore be encouraged to breed in higher numbers in order to remind us that we must never forget. Perhaps the money would be better spent erecting a large memorial of a Rock Pigeon or perhaps a Feral Pigeon - I'll leave that decision to the council. I don't think a Wood Pigeon memorial would be particularly appropriate because I don't think they did too much for us during the war. Other than food.

Posted by: Norman Farnsbarns McArthey on 11:56pm Wed 29 Nov 06
I say train the blighters to do an honest days work and to earn their right to live in Her Royal Majesties Royal borough. Maybe they could be trained to assist the police as they could spot crime while on high and report back to the station swiftly. The more aggressive ones could become a sort of elite police flighting unit that could intervene in violent incidents that are sadly becoming all to common in our wonderful town.

Posted by: Mrs D. Smithers on 12:05am Thu 30 Nov 06
I was once saved from certain death when a pair of woods grasped me by the shoulders and flew me from the path of an oncoming car. Now these feathered heroes follow me everywhere and they often speak to me too. I will be going out tomorrow tooled up to protect this noble race of animals and if I find the marksman then it will be me or him. I say NO to the slaughter of the innocents and am willing to lay down my life in their defence. As for them being the spawn of Satan, well, that is obviously a comment from a very deluded person, get help is all I can say to that, everyone knows they are God's messengers.

Posted by: Roland Runtfarmer on 12:29am Thu 30 Nov 06
What a lot of fuss over nothing. Everyone knows pigeons can't be killed, they are immortal and immune to bullets. Where I come from we worship the pigeon deity and never look them in the eye as this can turn a man to stone. I can only warn the gunman chappy that if he should lift a finger against but one bird he will incur their never ending wrath and more than likely burn in **** for his actions.
I would not risk it myself, it's just not worth it. Leave it !!! Many have tried and even the mightiest have failed! The only way that may have some effect is to tie them down and chant incantations while you flay their hides with an stout oaken branch blessed by a high priest of Nayhead. Mr McNally, the orchestrater of this ill thought out plan I say unto you beware the consequences of your actions against the blessed ones.

Posted by: Fancy Coo-Coo on 12:57pm Thu 30 Nov 06
I'm horrified at the very idea anyone might want to harm these gentle creatures. I myself was raised by pigeons after being abandoned in Trafalgar Square as a young nipper. Therefore I know how noble and generous a species they really are. If anyone were to kill a pigeon in this way, it would be as though they are slaughtering one of my own family. It's murder, I say!

Posted by: Free Willy on 3:24pm Thu 30 Nov 06
I know what you mean, reader. I was raised by yaks but I'm sure the experience was similar. How about a council worker cull instead.

Posted by: Michael Hunt on 4:17pm Thu 30 Nov 06.
Pigeons can be very intelligent creatures. This is because they are actually bred from dolphins and can travel vast lengths underwater as well as through the air. I warn you now Council folk, if you so much as dare remove or cull any pigeon from Kingston or the surrounding local I shall withhold my council tax! I'm prepared to go to prison to save these beautiful specimens of birds so just forget it ok?

Posted by: Mr Snorter on 4:57pm Thu 30 Nov 06
Pigeons are kind and caring. Two come and visit me each day and tell me things. They told me not to discuss this with anyone so none of you say anything if they should ask you. OK?

Posted by: Mr Dallinger on 5:06pm Thu 30 Nov 06
My elder sister was held captive for nine days by a flock of rock pigeons on a small island near Malta in 1979 - it may have been Gozo but I'm not too sure. (Sorry about that.) As you might gather she suffers from nightmares and flashbacks but she has also developed a loathing of millet seeds for some strange reason. She is in full support of the cull and, in actual fact, she has already applied for the job and fully intends to carry out her duties as soon as possible - whether she gets the job or not. Be careful around town folks - she's not a good shot.

Posted by: Mrs Dallinger on 5:18pm Thu 30 Nov 06
Dear Margaret. As you can see I've finally mastered this email thing! Sue and John came to visit today, which was nice, and it was Sue who taught me how to use the email. I shall be writing to you often now that I have figured it out. Please send my love to Helen and the boys. See you soon Love Mum xxx

Posted by: Mrs Dallinger on 6:27pm Thu 30 Nov 06
Dear Mr Umbuku Please excuse any email fau pas I may make as this is only the second email I have ever written. Isn't it exciting? I was so sorry to hear about your plight with the Nigerian authorities and the subsequent demise of your mother, it must be a very difficult time for you my dear. My husband was saying only yesterday that the pond needed a new liner and the amount of money you are offering is quite staggering. Those Nigerian authorities have no right to withhold all that money, especially as it belongs to your family. Mr Dallinger has asked that I reply to you and confirm that the amount you wish to place into our bank account is indeed $645,00000? It does seem rather a lot. I look forward to your reply. Your sincerely Mrs D Dallinger

Posted by: Dave 'The Kod' Johnson on 1:45pm Dec 1Let's just relax here - they're just PIGEONS, bear that in mind. They're just fluffy little critters who are cute and tickle you with their whiskers ... ah no, that's kittens. Sorry.

Posted by: Kim Jon Il on 2:53pm Dec 1
I just hope the council don't get more than they bargained for. I have heard the PLF (Pigeon Liberation Front) have been actively sourcing arms from overseas and are preparing for a military cooooooo!

Posted by: Hertz Van Rental on 4:24pm Fri 1 Dec 06
Is deze de weg naar Amarillo? Iedere nacht ik heb omhelsd mijn kussen dat dromen van Amarillo Droomt waar Marie die mij wacht op

Posted by: Mr Umbuku on 5:20pm Fri 1 Dec 06
Dear Mrs D Dallinger,
I have deposited the $645,000 into your account. Your kind offer of 50 viagra tablets would be most welcome.
I am also sorry to hear about the pigeon problem in your local area. For a small sum, say $10,000, we could arrange to protect these precious creatures.
Humbly yours,
Mr Umbuku

Posted by: Mrs Dallinger on 2:52pm Sat 2 Dec 06
Dear Mr Umuku
I fear a terrible mistake has been made!
My bank has informed me that my account is overdrawn to the sum of £325,531. On today's currency markets that would equate to roughly $645,000 which was the sum you had kindly offered to us.
I'm sure you've just made a silly mistake my dear but I ask that you rectify the problem at the earliest opportunity as I am accruing massive interest charges.
Yours sincerely
Mrs D Dallinger

Posted by: Mrs Dallinger on 3:08pm Sat 2 Dec 06
Dear Joe
I am somewhat surprised that you are still sending me offers for Viagra - 17 this week!
As explained earlier I am quite satisfied the with the staying power of Mr Dallinger and therefore I shall (still) not be requiring your product.
Yours sincerely
Mrs D Dalinger

Posted by: Mrs Dallinger on 3:39pm Sat 2 Dec 06
Pigeons pecked my old aunty Betty to death at Lourdes in 1944. At first we we were very upset but we can all see the funny side when we look back now.

Posted by: Tania on 12:15am Mon 4 Dec 06
Well firstly these idiots that are posting complete rubbish should have their posts removed.
There are also some very ignorant people out there who just see pigeons as pests.
A cull will not work - sure for a little while there may be a few less but that void gets filled by the remaining pigeons who will have more food ( people will still feed them belive me) and they will breed and the numbers will just increase again. Catch 22!!
Kingston Council should have contacted PICAS who give advice on non-lethal ways of controlling pigeons.

Posted by: Mrs Dallinger on 9:18am Mon 4 Dec 06
Tania
Sensible comments only please.

Posted by: Roger Boat on 1:10pm Mon 4 Dec 06
I find it preposerous that Tania suggests that we all catch 22 pigeons each. Why should I do the councils work ? I fear this proposal is dangerous, difficult and totally unworkable. She should have her post removed the silly nilly.

Posted by: Mrs Dallinger on 2:36pm Mon 4 Dec 06
Dear Joe
Enough is enough now!
I have already responded to 47 of your emails regarding the cheap viagra and, for the 48th time, I do not wish to take up your kind offer at this moment, thank you very much!
Yours sincerely
Mrs D Dallinger

Posted by: Horatio Phtang-Phtang Guttershrub on 2:50pm Mon 4 Dec 06
What a wonderful and charming read this debate has been.
Maybe a solution to the problem has been overlooked in all this excitement.
Would it not be possible for Mrs Dallinger's rigidly endowed husband to humanely kill these flying rats by clubbing them to death with his viagra gorged tally-wacker?

Posted by: Mrs Dallinger on 3:10pm Mon 4 Dec 06
Dear Mr Phtang-Phtang Guttershrub,
I wish to make it clear that Mr Dallinger's 'tally-wacker' is not, nor has ever been, gorged with Viagra.
This is not the first misunderstanding I have had to put up with lately. In fact it is the 3rd this week! Only yesterday the bank called to inform Mr Dallinger and I that they would be foreclosing on our mortgage as a consequence of us not being able to keep up with some rather large interest payments.
Thank you
Mrs D Dallinger

Posted by: Mrs Dallinger on 3:23pm Mon 4 Dec 06
Dear Joe
Events in the Dallinger' household have, to put it mildly, been a little strained lately and, as a result, Mr Dallinger appears to be having some difficulty raising his stature sufficiently to meet bedroom expectations.
Would you therefore dispatch the 100 Viagra tablets at your earliest convenience.
Many thanks,
Yours sincerely
Mrs D Dallinger

It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the greatest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was a rocket scientist... really!
This year, the nominees were:
Semifinalist #1 A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2 Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3 A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
Semifinalist #4 A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
Semifinalist #5 Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.
Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award:
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist...had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not on the ground.

this junction in Moscow wins the "Arrrrgh!" contest:
To make a left turn from Rosanov Street to the adjacent Khoroshev Street, you will have to embark on quite a journey:

follow the arrows on the picture

The crowd is getting ugly. Soldiers roll up in a Hummer. Suddenly, the whole right half of your body is screaming in agony. You feel like you've been dipped in molten lava. You almost faint from shock and pain, but instead you stumble backwards -- and then start running. To your surprise, everyone else is running too. In a few seconds, the street is completely empty.
You've just been hit with a new nonlethal weapon that has been certified for use in Iraq -- even though critics argue there may be unforeseen effects.
According to documents obtained for Wired News under federal sunshine laws, the Air Force's Active Denial System, or ADS, has been certified safe after lengthy tests by military scientists in the lab and in war games.
The ADS shoots a beam of millimeters waves, which are longer in wavelength than x-rays but shorter than microwaves -- 94 GHz (= 3 mm wavelength) compared to 2.45 GHz (= 12 cm wavelength) in a standard microwave oven.
The longer waves are thought to limit the effects of the radiation. If used properly, ADS will produce no lasting adverse affects, the military argues. more here

Reading's confidence and status continues to grow with yet another fine home performance. The winning goal came from the prolific Kevin Doyle after thirty-four minutes following a move of true Premiership quality. It gave Reading a deserved three points against a team regarded as one of the stronger and more established clubs in the division. Reading played the more enterprising and controlled football throughout. Bolton's direct approach was nowhere near subtle enough to trouble Reading in their current run of good form.
From the outset Reading played with a fluidity and confidence that has grown with their recent success. Bolton gave the Reading defence a few problems in the air with Davies winning a fair share of long clearances from Jaaskelainen. Nolan threatened with some well timed runs from midfield but Hahnemann was rarely troubled. Harper shot narrowly wide from outside the area on four minutes as Reading put the visitors under pressure. Several promising situations ended with a loose final pass. With Little missing through injury Oster seized his opportunity to make his mark with an outstanding first half display on the right of midfield. He looked assured in possession, passed the ball superbly, and was full of energy. Ingamarsson had a good chance to open the scoring when he was first to meet an Oster corner at the near post but the ball was deflected over.
Reading's goal came about when Storey slipped past his marker and switched the play to the right with long ball to Oster. Oster's close control and shimmy gave him the space for a beautifully flighted cross to the far post where Doyle had pulled away to meet it with a carefully placed header back across the 'keeper just inside the post. The main source of entertainment in the remaining period up to half time cane from Kingsley as he imitated Diouf's pathetic dive which the referee correctly ignored.
The second half was fast and open. Bolton pressed forward more frequently and Reading absorbed their pressure and broke out with some intelligent and controlled football. It was good to watch. Hunt wriggled past his man to set up Oster with a good scoring opportunity but he lost composure and hoofed over by some distance. At the other end a scramble in the box gave Nolan a sight of goal but he dragged his shot wide. Shorey looking very assured, and getting forward frequently into good positions, hit an excellent shot just over from outside the box.
As time ticked away Bolton became more desperate and supplemented their main ploy, the long throw, with some over robust challenges which might have earned more yellow cards than they actually received. Davies and Nolan were the main culprits. Lita came on for a weary looking Seol and won headers with some amazingly high and well-timed leaps. He almost finished Bolton off when he beat the offside trap and hit a great low shot which was well saved. Bolton continued to bombard Reading with long throws and Jaaskelainen even joined the last desperate onslaught. The Bolton 'keeper capped his performance with a foul on Hahnemann as he attempted to throw the ball upfied towards the unguarded net. The booking was seen as lenient by many but probably fair.

Labels: Reading