A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

What do you see frog or horse or both ?

How do they know how many people watch a certain programme?! For example, when they report that "13million people watched the England game last night" - how do they know???

My theories:
1. They measue the rise in demmand in electricity just after the show finishes, or in the ad break, then work out how many kettles being switched on that equates to.
2. There are 65 million people in the country. There are 5 people working at the ratings board. Every morning they come in and ask each other what they watched last night. They count up the number of people who said 'footy' for instance, and multiply it by 13 million.
3. Cameras in our light fittings.

Research shows:
The Broadcasters' Audience Research Board (BARB) is responsible for providing estimates of the number of people watching television. This includes which channels and programmes are being watched, at what time, and the type of people who are watching at any one time. BARB provides television audience data on a minute-by-minute basis for channels received within the UK. The data is available for reporting nationally and at ITV and BBC regional level and covers all analogue and digital platforms.

Viewing estimates are obtained from panels of television owning households representing the viewing behaviour of the 24+ million households within the UK. The panels are selected to be representative of each ITV and BBC region. The service covers viewing within private households only.

Panel homes are selected via a 'multi-stage, stratified and unclustered' sample design. What this means is that the panel is fully representative of all television households across the whole of the UK. A range of individual and household characteristics (panel controls) are needed to ensure that the panel is fully representative. As estimates for the large majority of panel controls are not available from Census data it is necessary to conduct an Establishment Survey to obtain this information.

Marmalade's most famous fan has turned to the dark side. After 50 years of nibbling sandwiches made from the orange sticky stuff, Paddington Bear will today have his first taste of Marmite.
The teddy has been brought back to life in his animated form for the first time in 20 years in an advert for the savoury spread.
It has the slogan: 'You love it or you hate it.'
The commercial has the bear, who was found by the Brown family at Paddington station in West London, tasting Marmite for the first time since his arrival from Peru in 1958. He loves it and shares his sandwich with a pigeon, who hates it.
The U-turn was thrashed out in a deal between food giant Unilever, which owns the Marmite brand, and Paddington and Company, owner of the rights to the bear.
Cheryl Calverley, of Unilever, said: 'The Marmite brand and Paddington Bear are British institutions and have broad appeal, transcending generations.'
However, the move has got the bear in a jam with Dundee marmalade maker Mackays. A spokesman said: 'Paddington has sold out. It's a very sad day for marmalade.'

NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
* A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
* Women love cats.
* Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
* Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Reading 0 West Ham 3 (this cheers me up though)

Two successive heavy defeats against teams Reading might have expected to pick up points have given Steve Coppell plenty to think about this weekend. Although Reading were at home and enjoyed more possession than the Hammers, they never looked likely to breach their defence. It is the manner of the defeat, which will give Royals fans the greatest concern. There was no real spark to suggest they might recover from Bellamy's early strike, and as the game drew to a close the hammers looked likely to score every time they attacked.
Bellamy opened the scoring after six minutes when he broke from the half way line exposing Ingimarsson's lack of pace and fired a crisp shot inside the far post. The goal came just as the fans in the East Stand had begun to taunt the away fans with reminders of last season's six goal drubbing. Last season this would have produced a massive reaction from the team and the fans. Today a cloud of gloom seemed to descend on the Madejski. The crowd was subdued and the team lacked ideas. As the Hammers attacked, the Royals defensive unit was all over the place and opponents found time and space with ease. Marking was loose to say the least. Harper had a half chance but it only provided an opportunity to demonstrate his left foot is not as potent as his left. Hunt clipped a shot against the bar just before half time, but in spite of a succession of corners Reading had not really tested Green. In fact Reading were looking extremely vulnerable to counter attacks from their set plays.
The second half brought little change. Etherington played a very neat but simple one-two on the edge of the box and lashed the ball confidently into the net to put the visitors in complete control. Reading just didn't have any idea hoe to break down the Hammers defence. Fae had shown he has the acceleration to go past players in the first half, but he faded as the game progressed. Kitson and Convey came on to liven thing up but it was a case of too little too late. Kitson went down under a challenge from Green to give Reading a way back in to the game with only fifteen minutes left. Doyle failed to convert the spot kick, which just about killed off any hope a recovery and is a good indictor of his significant loss of form this season so far. Hahnemann pulled of two saves to keep the score respectable before Etherington finally broke through and finished clinically. Harper completely missed the ball when presented with a scoring opportunity and Cisse failed to find the net from an even better position.
So with five league games gone we are still waiting for one our strikers to find the net and the defence is leaking goals too easily. The system seems to have gone wrong. The midfield is not working as a unit to protect the defence and Murty in particular allowed himself to be pulled out of position far too often. Sonko will certainly tighten things up at the back when he resumes his very effective partnership with Ingimarsson, but unless Little can make a speedy recovery a lot rests on Convey to open up opposing defences. Coppell's post match analysis was as always clear and accurate. Reading fans must console themselves with the knowledge that they at least have a good manager who more than capable of putting things right. It might also help if the crowd could do their stuff again this season.